Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Holly has sent the first chapter of Hollow Point, a mystery novel.
Lisa Varela was just approaching tipsy as they neared the club. She looked at Eddie Chang, fidgeting in the driver’s seat, his pupils huge and glassy.
Oh great, he’s really messed up. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea.
Her head jerked forward as he slammed the BMW to a stop in front of the Grotto, sending the waiting crowd that had spilled into the street, scurrying. Eddie jumped out, tossed the keys to the valet, and ran to the passenger door. He jerked it open and grabbed Lisa’s arm.
“Come on, Baby.” He pulled her out of the car, jerking her toward the club.
Lisa stumbled on the uneven edge of the sidewalk, nearly falling. “Slow down Eddie. I don’t want to fall.”
“Fuck it, come on.”
He had his full swerve on, black Armani, with side orders of silk and gold. Nobody was going to get in the way of his good time. The Grotto was a two-story art deco building with no windows and painted a dark crimson. If you were well known, you could get in. If you were famous, you could get upstairs where the A-list stars played. Eddie wasn’t famous but he was connected. He pulled her past the rope line, the bouncer, and then through the entrance. Very few people were sitting. Most of them were on the postage stamp sized dance floor or hanging around the bar. Fake beautiful trying to hook up with fake beautiful.
Close, but not yet
I like the voice and the writing (“full swerve on”), but didn’t get enough of the story or tension regarding Lisa to feel compelled to move on. On the next page, Eddie gives her a drugged drink and she passes out. If there’s a way to start inside the club—there’s no real story reason to start with their arrival—and get to that point on the first page, I would definitely have turned the page. While nicely done, there’s a little too much time spent on set-up that robs the first page of tension.
I think starting a little later could work just fine—a noisy night club scene should be easy to paint in a couple of strokes, and then you could get to the trouble that happens to Lisa. BTW, I’m not even sure that she’s the protagonist at this point—I didn’t know whether the drug had just knocked her out or killed her. But she is robbed. She may be the first victim in this story.
In that case, I’m not sure I’d start with the murder but with the primary protagonist. Good start, though, and keep at it. Notes:
Lisa Varela was just approaching tipsy as they neared the club. She looked at Eddie Chang, fidgeting in the driver’s seat, his pupils huge and glassy.
Oh great, he’s really messed up. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea.
Her head jerked forward as when he slammed the BMW to a stop in front of the Grotto, sending the waiting crowd that had spilled into the street, scurrying. Eddie jumped out, tossed the keys to the valet, and ran to the passenger door. He jerked yanked it open and grabbed Lisa’s arm. change made to avoid echo of “jerk” in the next paragraph
“Come on, Baby.” He pulled her out of the car and jerked, jerking her toward the club. changed to be crisper and avoid the participle “ing”
Lisa stumbled and nearly fell. on the uneven edge of the sidewalk, nearly falling. “Slow down Eddie. I don’t want to fall.” mentioning the uneven edge of the sidewalk is a little bit of overwriting—minute detail that doesn’t really move the story and slows the pace
“Fuck it, come on.”
He had his full swerve on, black Armani, with side orders of silk and gold. Nobody was going to get in the way of his good time. The Grotto was a two-story art deco building with no windows and painted a dark crimson. If you were well known, you could get in. If you were famous, you could get upstairs where the A-list stars played. Eddie wasn’t famous but he was connected. He pulled her past the rope line, the bouncer, and then through the entrance. Very few people were sitting. Most of them were on the postage-stamp sized dance floor or hanging around the bar. Fake beautiful trying to hook up with fake beautiful. While this characterizes Eddie and sets the scene in a nice way, I think you can do as well if you start inside just before he dopes her. Give it a try.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
“I'm a rank newbie with just my first draft under my belt and a bad case of "Now what?" I've read many books on writing and editing, but Flogging the Quill is the first to give me hope that I may indeed be able to whip my creation into a novel-like shape. I especially recommend it for NaNoWriMo. FTQ makes an excellent read in December after the chaos of November fades. Ray shows you, very clearly and with humor, what needs to happen after 'The End.'” Elizabeth
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey
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