Sorry I forgot Wednesday's flogging, I'm in Mexico at a writer's conference to do a workshop and I was distracted. Buenas dias.
Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
Attention all flogees: As posted earlier, I lost my hard drive and the backup didn’t work. I’m waiting to hear from a data recovery company. Meanwhile, please resend your submissions for the flogometer so I can carry on.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Heather has sent the first chapter of A Midwinter Night's Revolution.
Lyta waited until the coachman had fallen asleep, then pulled her cloak around herself and ducked into the night. She hurried away from the lanterns and carriages and throngs of happy revelers gathered by the palace gates, into the snow-clad garden. Tonight was the eve of the Grand Masquerade, and Lyta was too young to attend.
Music drifted from the balconies above her, accompanied by the sounds of dancers -- the rustle of voluminous petticoats, the patter of snappy shoes, the whispered affections of new lovers. She peered through the palace's great glass windows at the twirling guests in their feathered masks and sparkling gowns. At least her father had granted her one small concession, to ride in the hired coach when it came to fetch the rest of them home, to catch a glimpse of the revels from within that cold, dark box.
The snow crunched. Lyta spun away from the window, the breath catching in her throat. A masked stranger stood in the shadows beneath an elm, barely visible, watching her. She stared back at him.
"You've lost your mask." His accent was thin, reedy, almost French.
She clutched her thick cloak and retreated toward the lamplight. She had heard tales of nefarious rogues, and had no desire to fall prey to one's designs. "I'm not here -- I mean, I'm not at the masque. I'm just waiting for my sisters to come out so we can leave."
Yes
You bet I wanted to know what would happen to this young woman and her encounter with a masked stranger who just might be a nefarious rogue. It seems like historical fiction of some sort, and that promises interest as well. The scene is set, the character is characterized, the voice is good, and a strong story question is raised. Nicely done. A few notes:
Lyta waited until the coachman had fallen asleep, then pulled her cloak around herself and ducked into the night. She hurried away from the lanterns and carriages and throngs of happy revelers gathered by the palace gates, and into the snow-clad garden. Tonight was the eve of the Grand Masquerade, and Lyta was too young to attend. The last sentence is a bit of pov shift to the author doling out information. Better if it’s in her pov. For example: The sound of the Grand Masquerade spilled from the palace and she wished once again that she wasn’t too young to attend.
Music drifted from the balconies above her, accompanied by the sounds of dancers -- the rustle of voluminous petticoats, the patter of snappy shoes, the whispered affections of new lovers. She peered through the palace's great glass windows at the twirling guests in their feathered masks and sparkling gowns. At least her father had granted her one small concession,: to ride in the hired coach when it came to fetch the rest of them home, to catch a glimpse of the revels from within that cold, dark box.
The snow crunched. Lyta spun away from the window, the her breath catching in her throat. A masked stranger stood in the shadows beneath an elm, barely visible, watching her. She stared back at him.
"You've lost your mask." His accent was thin, reedy, almost French. His voice could be thin and reedy, but not his accent, it seems to me.
She clutched her thick cloak and retreated toward the lamplight. She had heard tales of nefarious rogues, and had no desire to fall prey to one's designs. "I'm not here -- I mean, I'm not at the masque. I'm just waiting for my sisters to come out so we can leave."
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey
Recent Comments