Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometerposts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Debbie has sent a story, Unclimbed Mountains.
Kate’s heavy boots make a satisfying clomping sound with every step she takes on the old wood porch. She likes the sound. It makes her feel tough, like an outlaw, clomping up to a saloon door. With every pass she makes across the porch, she jerks open the screen door and lets it slam shut. Whack. Thump. Clomp. She has been doing this for a good hour now. It is getting old and she is getting bored but then she looks down. A tearful eye looks up at her from the knothole in the wood. This reminds her why she is doing this and she keeps going.
The eye belongs to her husband Wayne. He is lying under the porch, watching her walk. She tries to time her steps just right so every pass deposits a little sand and grit right into his watching eye. She absently licks blood off her fat lip. The lip is courtesy of Wayne, the punishment is his own. He often comes up with elaborate punishments for himself after one of his transgressions. A push or a shove might have him doing dishes or taking out the trash but if there is blood, he gets creative.
Now, her husband Wayne is not a smart man but he can think on his feet. This was a particularly hard punch, right in the mouth. As soon as his fist connected with her face, he knew it was going to be bad. Kate’s uncle was local and the sheriff. One call from Kate meant big trouble for Wayne. He immediately threw himself out the screen door, crying and carrying-on in the front yard. He offered up his punishment and Kate accepted. When she married Wayne a (snip)
Yes
While there are no high stakes in this first page, there is the story question of how this is going to work out. And, I’ll confess, I liked the voice and the character, and wanted to see what more she would do to or about gool ol' Wayne. Notes:
Kate’s heavy boots make a satisfying clomping sound with every step she takes on the old wood porch. She likes the sound. It makes her feel tough, like an outlaw, clomping up to a saloon door. With every pass she makes across the porch, she jerks open the screen door and lets it slam shut. Whack. Thump. Clomp. She has been doing this for a good hour now. It is getting old and she is getting bored but then she looks down. A tearful eye looks up at her from the knothole in the wood. This reminds her why she is doing this and she keeps going. I deleted the sentence about liking the sound because the previous sentence let me know that with “satisfying.”
The eye belongs to her husband, Wayne. He is lying under the porch, watching her walk. She tries to time her steps just right so every pass deposits a little sand and grit right into his watching eye. She absently licks blood off her fat lip. The lip is courtesy of Wayne, the punishment is his own. He often comes up with elaborate punishments for himself after one of his transgressions. A push or a shove might have him doing dishes or taking out the trash, but, if there is blood, he gets creative.
Now, her husband Wayne is not a smart man but he can think on his feet. This was a particularly hard punch, right in the mouth. As soon as his fist connected with her face, he knew it was going to be bad. Kate’s uncle was local and the sheriff. One call from Kate meant big trouble for Wayne. He immediately threw himself out the screen door, crying and carrying on in the front yard. He offered up his punishment and Kate accepted. When she married Wayne a (snip)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
“I'm a rank newbie with just my first draft under my belt and a bad case of "Now what?" I've read many books on writing and editing, but Flogging the Quill is the first to give me hope that I may indeed be able to whip my creation into a novel-like shape. I especially recommend it for NaNoWriMo. FTQ makes an excellent read in December after the chaos of November fades. Ray shows you, very clearly and with humor, what needs to happen after 'The End.'” Elizabeth
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey
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