Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Kevin has sent the first chapter of Codex.
The Hayyim began writing the book you are holding on a dismal day when there were few clouds in the sky, at the very moment that young Phin realized he was about to die. In a land of dreams and dead men, shook atop a wooden wall guarding the entrance to his town. He gripped the bow in his hands. The Hayyim's pen was scratching away the words in this book, and whatever the Hayyim wrote was what happened. Phin was certain that this book was about to end.
The grass rustled and Phin turned with a cry, pulling the drawstring to his cheek. It was only the wind. There was only One Wind in the land of Aswèrin and it blew past Phin, carrying smoke.
Thud-thud, Thud-thud. Drum beats, just louder than Phin's heart. He swallowed. The drums were close. Too close. Animals stampeded from the bushes – rabbits, deer, all rushing West.
The sounds of panting could be heard, and Phin stomach twisted into a kont. He wondered how many details the Hayyim would include. Would he write about every individual bone breaking? The hissing and the panting grew louder, and the ground trembled a little harder.
Phin was small and thin, his bones poking out awkwardly. He was hardly big enough to carry the bow, despite his age. He could hunt, but he was too small to fight the other young men (snip)
Nope
The scene does put the character in jeopardy, and I like that, but I found the opening confusing and too many craft issues to want to continue. The rest of the chapter was similar, with interesting promise but missing words and other craft issues. It might help if you could find critique partners to help you learn to see these shortcomings. Notes:
The Hayyim began writing the book you are holding on a dismal day when there were few clouds in the sky, at the very moment that young Phin realized he was about to die. In a land of dreams and dead men, he shook atop a wooden wall guarding the entrance to his town, gripping a bow. He gripped the bow in his hands. The Hayyim's pen was scratching away the words in this book, and whatever the Hayyim wrote was what happened. Phin was certain that this book was about to end. Missing pronoun, he. What else would you grip a bow with other than your hands? If the Hayyim writes what happens, the implication is that nothing has happened before he begins writing, yet this character has a past. Seems inconsistent to me.
The grass rustled and Phin turned with a cry, pulling the bow string drawstring to his cheek. It was only the wind. There was only One Wind in the land of Aswèrin, and it blew past Phin, carrying smoke. A drawstring is what goes around the edge of your hoodie or sweat pants. Missing comma before conjunction.
Thud-thud, Thud-thud. Drum beats, just louder than Phin's heart. He swallowed. The drums were close. Too close. Animals stampeded from the bushes – rabbits, deer, all rushing west West. I didn’t mind the sentence fragment, it contributes to the urgency of the moment. The last sentence could be improved if it led with the animals rather than telling us, eg. Rabbits and deer stampeded from the bushes (where are the bushes? set the scene), rushing west.
The sounds of Phin heard panting could be heard, and Phin his stomach twisted into a knot kont. He wondered how many details the Hayyim would include. Would he write about every individual bone breaking? The hissing and the panting grew louder, and the ground trembled a little harder. While this action increases the tension, there are several issues. Missing possessive in sorta clunky first sentence, misspelled word. Wondering about what the Hayyim would write at a moment when he is supposed to be frightened for his life seems incongruous. Hissing hasn’t been mentioned before, so making it louder is a little bit of a speed bump in the narrative. How does he know the ground trembled when he is standing on a wall—a continuity issue.
Phin was small and thin, his bones poking out awkwardly. He was hardly big enough to carry the bow, despite his age. He could hunt, but he was too small to fight the other young men (snip) Clarity issue—are his bones poking out of his skin? Unlikely, but that’s how it reads. There’s a point-of-view shift here, from close third person to omniscient, which takes me out of the impact of the scene. The reference to “his age” won’t mean anything to the reader since we don’t know what the age is. Something like “grown man” would be more clear, or another way to suggest his age. And shifting to narrative about being unable to fight other young men in the midst of some kind of attack also takes the reader out of the narrative, I feel.
There were things I liked about this story, and there’s a unique and interesting world in the offing (I think), but there’s work to be done on the craft side.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey
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