Happy New Year!
Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
James has sent a the first chapter of Mirror Image.
I pulled out my smartphone as quickly as possible when I sat down. On the surface I looked like everyone else on the MAX - the Metro Area Express for those not from Portland - but while the other riders were calm, bored even, I was a hunted animal.
The video couldn't load fast enough for me, despite the extra fast connection I paid so much for. I kept checking to my left and right to see if anyone was watching me. Of course someone was watching me, I just wanted to see them doing it.
Once the video started I locked in. The squealing train wheels and muttered conversations faded as I saw the jujitsu maneuver explained by "Billy" the friendly internet black belt. In two minutes the video was over and the recorded voices announced the next stop in both English and Spanish.
This was my moment, in the crowds exiting at Pioneer Courthouse Square, I might be able to escape and figure out what was going on and why these people were following me. I stepped between people, ignoring their personal space, and receiving angry looks for my trouble. But I reached the doors just as the train lurched to a stop. They slid out and I immediately stepped out onto the red brick.
For a moment, I was the only one outside the train. I checked my right and left again. Then I saw him step out past several moms with strollers. He wore a tan sport coat that barely (snip)
Nope
I’ll grant you that James raises story questions that might be enough to get me to turn the page, but clarity and craft issues stayed my hand. I do like the voice and the writing—first person is a good way to utilize that quality. But there are opportunities to make the narrative crisper through deleting some of it. Notes:
I pulled out my smartphone as quickly as possible when I sat down. On the surface I looked like everyone else on the train MAX - the Metro Area Express for those not from Portland - but while the other riders were calm, bored even, I was a hunted animal. The info on MAX doesn’t contribute to story. While it details setting in a way, a train car is a train car, and this only slows and muddles the opening, which does a good job of raising a strong story question.
The video couldn't load fast enough for me, despite the extra fast connection I paid so much for. I kept checking to my left and right to see if anyone was watching me. Of course someone was watching me, I just wanted to see them doing it. More info we don’t need—his download speed. No need to tell which ways he looks—overwriting of details.
Once the video started, I locked in. The squealing train wheels and muttered conversations faded as I saw the jujitsu maneuver explained by "Billy" the friendly Internet internet black belt. In two minutes the video was over and the recorded voices announced the next stop in both English and Spanish. Clarity issue: the structure of the last sentence says that the video is where the voices came to announce the next stop, and I don’t think that’s right.
This was my moment,; in the crowds exiting at Pioneer Courthouse Square, I might be able to escape and figure out what was going on and why these people were following me. I stepped between people, ignoring their personal space, and receiving angry looks for my trouble. But I reached the doors just as the train lurched to a stop. They slid out open and I immediately stepped out onto the red brick. Needed different punctuation in the first sentence. More detail here that isn’t really contributing. Changed the first “out” in the last sentence to avoid the repetition of that word later in the sentence.
For a moment, I was the only one outside the train. I checked my right and left again. Then I saw him step out past several moms with strollers. He wore a tan sport coat that barely (snip)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey
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