Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Alys has sent two prologues and the first chapter for Sacred Blood.
Frantic hands folded and packed football gear. Juliette St. Claire gasped, twitching at the slightest sound. The jersey she needed was still in the living room. She sprinted to get it, hoping he would be lenient.
"Hurry up, Wench! The team and I have to take off. Get my stuff packed up!" Robert Jensen slugged the arm of the frail young woman who hurried past him, smirking ad her shocked scream as she crashed into the cream wall and fell. Roughly he grabbed her arms and turned her to face a the hallway mirror. "Do you see that? Do you want another?"
Juliette stared at the newest bruise around her eye. She nodded and shook her head in turn to his questions, longing to get away from the hands that hurt her. Those hands turned her around to look at him and he slapped her across the face.
"You didn't answer me! Did you see that, and do you want another?"
"Y-yes, Sir, an-and no, S-S-Sir!" She wanted nothing more than for him to let go. His fingers digging into her flesh were bruising her, and the location of his punch smarted.
As if to answer her wish, he shoved her back into the wall. "Hurry up then! Or you'll get worse. Finish up!"
The injured woman ran as fast as she could to continue gathering and packing his gear, glad he was going to be gone for a week and that she'd have several days without physical pain.
Nope
While this is an immediate scene with conflict, tension, and story questions raised, and I like that, I’m afraid that craft shortcomings kept me from turning the page. A suggestion: sometimes reading your text aloud will help you avoid glitches such as the “a the” in the second paragraph and the later misspelled “at.” Notes:
Frantic,
hands Juliette folded and packed football gear. Juliette St. Claire gasped,
twitching at the slightest sound. The jersey she needed was still in the living
room. She sprinted to get it, hoping he would be lenient. Whose frantic hands? Yes, we learn that
they are Juliette’s, but why start with disembodied hands? It’s Juliette who is
doing the packing. Even though I’ve used a character’s last name right out of
the box before, I’ve come to think that it’s better to leave that until later
(if at all). I deleted the line about gasping and twitching because it seemed unmotivated, and there were no sounds to twitch at. What had she done to be concerned about him being lenient? Seems unmotivated to me.
"Hurry up, wenchWench! The team and I have to take off. Get my stuff packed up!" Robert Jensen slugged the Juliette’s arm of the frail young woman who when she hurried past him. smirking ad He smirked at her shocked scream as she crashed into the cream wall and fell. Roughly he grabbed her arms and turned her to face a the hallway mirror. "Do you see that? Do you want another?" “the frail young woman” is a big jump out of the close third-person POV that we started with. We should stay in Juliette’s mind, and she would not think of herself as that. When he grabs her arms, he should lift her to her feet before he turns her to face the mirror.
Juliette stared at the newest bruise around her eye. She nodded and shook her head in turn to his questions, longing to get away from the hands that hurt her. Those hands turned her around to look at him and he slapped her across the face.
"You didn't answer me! Did you see that, and do you want another?"
"Y-yes, sir Sir, an-and no, S-S-Sir s-s-sir!" She wanted nothing more than for him to let go. His fingers digging into her flesh were bruising her, and the location of his punch smarted. The “location of his punch” is on the awkward side, it seems to me, and I forget where the punch landed. Instead, why not something clear such as and her arm hurt where he’d punched her.
As if to answer her wish, he shoved her back into the wall. "Hurry up then! Or you'll get worse. Finish up!"
The injured woman She ran as fast as she could to continue gathering and packing his gear, glad he was going to be gone for a week and that she'd have several days without physical pain. Another POV slip—she would not think of herself as “the injured woman.”
The first page foreshadows the rest of the manuscript, and you’re going to need to work on the craft side of things and take more care before agents will be willing to read on.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey
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