Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Kay has sent the first chapter of a YA novel, The Letterman Jacket.
“Hey, Addison. You hear about Bobby Lund?”
I had no idea who Bobby Lund even was, but I didn’t have a chance to do anything but shake my head no at Don Triptow while he hoisted himself onto the table to sit by me, because the bell rang a second later.
I glanced towards the front of the room when the bell finished clanging. Mr. Senier hadn’t stood up from behind his desk to start class yet. Hadn’t even looked up from the paper he was scribbling on.
I bumped Triptow with my shoulder. “So who’s Bobby Lund?”
Triptow glanced over at Mr. Senier, too. “A kid on the debate team.” Triptow kept his voice low, darting looks around the room to make sure no one was listening. “He was wearing a letterman jacket.”
“So what?”
“So what? He got jumped by the wheels, that’s what!” Triptow hissed.
The wheels. Just thinking those two words turned me cold. Who exactly did they think they were, anyway? If you asked them, they’d say they were part of the “in” crowd. The kids everyone knew by name. Oh, the wheels were well known at West High, all right. Known for being thugs and bullies, that is. There were ten of them this year, and all of them were on the (snip)
Nope
While the voice is strong and the writing good, and we do start with an immediate scene, well, not much happens. It’s all talk, and it doesn’t concern the protagonist; there’s nothing to hint at trouble ahead—unless you want to assume that the wheels will eventually mean trouble for him, but eventually doesn’t exactly lead to tension.
I read through the rest of the chapter and came to the conclusion that Kay has started way too soon. In the rest of the chapter, the character talks with his friend some more about class, the wheels, a potential job (they’re high-school seniors), and completes a class assignment. But nothing happens that causes any trouble for the character.
This reminds me of when I brought the third chapter of one of my novels into my critique group and one member said, “The story starts here.” It took me a couple of months to get past denial, but he was right. I rewrote to start the chapter there, and it worked a lot better.
Kay, look for the moment (the inciting incident) where things go wrong for your character and he has to take action (which goes wrong) and start as close to that as possible. A few notes:
Triptow said, “Hey, Addison. You hear about Bobby Lund?” it wouldn’t hurt to attribute this dialogue and include a beat that helps the scene. Attribution would give us a name, too, without needing to try to slip it in later.
I had no idea who Bobby Lund even was, but I didn’t have a chance to do anything but shake my head no at Don Triptow while he hoisted himself onto the table to sit by me, because the bell rang a second later. POV hiccup—he wouldn’t normally think of his friend by both of his names. Also, since the narrative consistently refers to him as “Triptow,” then you should stick with that. Generally speaking, it’s a good idea to use just one name for a character, especially when introducing them. For example, the chapter starts out with the narrator being called “Addison,” which could be a first name, but it turns out that his name is Ben. If Don is always going to be called “Triptow” in the story, then there is no reason to introduce his first name. Also, this is a complicated sentence that might play better if broken up. I had no idea who Bobby Lund was, so I shook my head no. The bell rang to start print class and Triptow hoisted himself up to sit by me on the table.
I glanced towards the front of the room when the bell finished clanging. Mr. Senier hadn’t stood up from behind his desk to start class yet, so Hadn’t even looked up from the paper he was scribbling on. I bumped Triptow with my shoulder. “So wWho’s Bobby Lund?” Seems like detail that doesn’t really advance the story, and the paragraphs could be combined for a crisper pace.
Triptow glanced over at Mr. Senier, too. “A kid on the debate team.” Triptow kept his voice low, darting looks around the room to make sure no one was listening. “He was wearing a letterman jacket.” The information that he was making sure no one was listening is a break in point of view—Addison can’t know why he’s darting looks around the room, he can only assume why.
“So what?”
“So what? He got jumped by the wheels, that’s what!” Triptow hissed.
The wheels. Just thinking those two words turned me cold. Who exactly did they think they were, anyway? If you asked them, they’d say they were part of the “in” crowd. The kids everyone knew by name. Oh, the wheels were well known at West High, all right. Known for being thugs and bullies, that is. There were ten of them this year, and all of them were on the (snip) a lot of set-up exposition going on here, but nothing much happening
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey
Recent Comments