Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Jill has sent the first chapter of The Truth Reflex.
The weird thing was this: Sesh’s hair was blond again.
Like in the documentaries, before the murders.
Rhino stood with the aloof, heartsick girl inside a hollow Douglas fir, breath-puffs apart, his heart pounding so hard he felt it in his eardrums. Fir needles speckled her hair, tears single-striped her cheeks—and a golden bullet, lipstick-tube long, lay in her upturned palm.
Rhino reached for it, brushing Sesh’s icy hand. Holy ultra touch of heaven.
Suddenly the bullet became a mirror. What the— Rhino looked into it and froze. No. Holy no. It can’t be. He dropped the mirror, struggled for breath—and woke, gasping loudly.
Whoa! Not a good way to start the day.
Gulping down a swallow, he heard Tracker’s sheets rustling below, Michael’s wheezy snore across the darkened room. See? Calm down. You’re okay. He sucked in air again. You’re Rhino Rodgers. You’re at the School of Benevolent Leadership. You’re sixteen. You’re on a sweat-soaked mattress on the top bunk. Your best friend is thrashing in his sleep beneath you. You’re obsessed with a girl who will hate you if she finds out who you are.
Much better. Yes. Reality. Rhino closed his mouth, trying to calm his breath and slow his heartbeat, and suddenly the simmering ingredients of his dream coalesced and Rhino stopped breathing altogether: He knew where to find a Mind Changer. A bullet that turned into a mirror.
Yes
I know that there are those who think it’s never appropriate to open a story with a dream, but I’m not one of them. Full disclosure: my novel, We the Enemy, opens with a dream. But, like this one, it’s only a few lines long, and it does impact the story.
The writing is strong, and so is the voice. And, for me, a couple of story questions were raised that I wanted more about—the girl who would hate him and why, and what a Mind Changer was. brief notes:
The weird thing was this: Sesh’s hair was blond again.
Like in the documentaries, before the murders. a good tease, promises more—be sure to deliver, though.
Rhino stood with the aloof, heartsick girl inside a hollow Douglas fir, breath-puffs apart, his heart pounding so hard he felt it in his eardrums. Fir needles speckled her hair, tears single-striped her cheeks—and a golden bullet, lipstick-tube long, lay in her upturned palm.
Rhino reached for it, brushing Sesh’s icy hand. Holy ultra touch of heaven.
Suddenly the bullet became a mirror. What the— Rhino looked into it and froze. No. Holy no. It can’t be. He dropped the mirror, struggled for breath—and woke, gasping loudly. I found it frustrating to not be allowed to see “it”—whatever it was that he saw in the mirror that caused him to drop it. I think you should show the reader—after all, the goal is to immerse the reader into the character’s experience, and you can’t do that if you leave key parts out.
Whoa! Not a good way to start the day.
Gulping down a swallow, h He heard Tracker’s sheets rustling below, Michael’s wheezy snore across the darkened room. See? Calm down. You’re okay. He sucked in air again. You’re Rhino Rodgers. You’re at the School of Benevolent Leadership. You’re sixteen. You’re on a sweat-soaked mattress on the top bunk. Your best friend is thrashing in his sleep beneath you. You’re obsessed with a girl who will hate you if she finds out who you are. So now I want to find out what he is, too.
Much better. Yes. Reality. Rhino closed his mouth, trying to calm his breath and slow his heartbeat, and suddenly the simmering ingredients of his dream coalesced and Rhino stopped breathing altogether: He knew where to find a Mind Changer. A bullet that turned into a mirror.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey
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