Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Alissa has sent the first chapter of The Rabbit Chronicles.
White Rider tower housed a famed sentry, Venice Foster. The human.
Venice grinned, feeling luxury course through his veins as he beheld The Grand Wall stretching in the distance. His tower rose over Afonbost, city of dazzling lights and sky-breaking towers. Bedded down between coverlets of broad woodland, the prosperous vicinity glimmered gold. Of course, he thought. Like none other this city, birthed from hands of an extraordinary race, would shine. Merchants and traders from all corners of the far flung world were drawn here by promises of foreign wonders and the glimmer of diamonds.
A soft raping on the door caught his ear. "Ryn,” Venice said, standing up in surprise. “What are you doing here at this hour?”
“Couldn’t sleep,” the pale youth mumbled, huffing into the room, his broad shoulders drooped.
Venice nodded in understanding. “Your brother keeping you up with the dreams?”
Ryn nodded, his fur moved with his head, as white as a fresh snowfall. “Is sleep the most important night of my life too much to ask?”
“It’s not his fault.” Venice said. In part, Ryn’s own senses were the problem. As a rabbit, a Moddick, as his race preferred to be called, hearing was one of Ryn’s most finely attuned senses.
“I wish I were a snake. Snakes are deaf!” Ryn laughed, seemingly at the thought of (snip)
Nope
This is an engaging world with interesting characters, but for this reader there wasn’t anything in the way of story questions raised or tension. Several pages of exposition follow until, on the sixth page, a giant creature attacks. Seems to me that needs to come up front. The leisurely description of the city is nice, but doesn’t do much to further story. While the scene needs to be set, here I think it could have been much briefer. And there were other issues. Notes:
White Rider tower housed a famed sentry, Venice Foster. The human. I just didn’t get what this was. It’s sort of like a headline. It’s from the author, it seems, not the character. Confused me.
Venice grinned, feeling luxury course through his veins as he beheld The Grand Wall stretching in the distance. His tower rose over Afonbost, city of dazzling lights and sky-breaking towers. Bedded down between coverlets of broad woodland, the prosperous vicinity glimmered gold. Of course, he thought. Like none other this city, birthed from hands of an extraordinary race, would shine. Merchants and traders from all corners of the far flung world were drawn here by promises of foreign wonders and the glimmer of diamonds. as indicated, I think there’s far too much narrative spent on the description of the city. I think it could be done in just a few sentences.
A soft raping rapping on the door caught his ear. "Ryn,” Venice said, standing up in surprise. “What are you doing here at this hour?” How does he know it's Ryn if the door is closed? Also, “standing up in surprise” really doesn’t contribute—a touch of overwriting (details that doesn’t matter) Why doesn’t he say come in?
“Couldn’t sleep,” the pale youth mumbled, huffing into the room, his broad shoulders drooped.
Venice nodded in understanding. “Your brother keeping you up with the dreams?”
Ryn nodded, and his fur moved with his head, as white as a fresh snowfall. “Is sleep the most important night of my life too much to ask?” This alludes to something we don’t know about, so it doesn’t make a lot of sense. You might want to be specific. However, since the topic doesn’t relate to what happens next, what is it doing here?
“It’s not his fault.” Venice said. In part, Ryn’s own senses were the problem. As a rabbit, a Moddick, as his race preferred to be called, hearing was one of Ryn’s most finely attuned senses. This is fun
“I wish I were a snake. Snakes are deaf!” Ryn laughed, seemingly at the thought of (snip) Yes, but where are the story questions? Nothing much is happening here, just two characters chatting about things we don’t know about.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey
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