Flogometer for Eddie--would you turn the page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not the just characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Eddie has sent the opening of Perception Shift.

Scott watched the warm pacific breeze lift a discarded food wrapper from the crowded walk and swirl it around the woman. If he was the type to believe in signs he would see this as an omen.

She wasn’t press, government or free lance. She wasn’t acting like any of the usual suspects. Scott was good at spotting a tail and classifying which kind of threat they posed. He’d been hunted by the best that each group offered and had become very adept at the game. In the three years since he fled the States he’d eluded so many people it had become routine.

This one was different. Not to say she was inept. On the contrary; she was exceptional. If he hadn’t been in a heightened state he might have missed her subtle attempts to track him. She blended in so well that a lesser man would have been unaware of her attention. She did nothing to give herself away and moved in and out of the crowds so well there was nothing to indicate she was trailing him.

Scott was impressed. Whoever this was, she was serious competition. He smiled. He relished the challenge she posed.

The smart thing would be to disappear. He’d done it before without any qualms, knowing it was the safe move. The problem was he didn’t always do the smart thing. If he did he wouldn’t be in the mess he was in.

Yes, but . . .

This opening did a good-enough job of raising story questions--who is the woman, why is she following him, what mess is he is--to get me to turn the page. The writing is clean as well--but I think this could be stronger.

It feels distant to me, as if this protagonist was writing a report. Much of the information seems to be coming from the author, not the character. It has a dry quality that’s not lively. I urge Eddie to dig into the character’s experience and help us to share that. For example, employ more senses--it turns out the character is in a bar looking down on a busy market in Mexico. There would be smells, and noise--but that’s not here. There’s some “telling” in the narrative that could be showing/experiencing instead. By the way, if he’s in a bar above the market looking down, how would he know that this woman is following him? This is a logic problem that Eddie needs to clear up. Notes:

Scott watched the warm pacific Pacific breeze lift a discarded food wrapper from the crowded walk and swirl it around the woman. If he were was the type to believe in signs, he would see this as an omen. "food wrapper" is vague and generic--specifics create reality. Make it a candy wrapper or something that would be typical of a Mexican marketplace. I wonder if it would be good to give a little more of why this could be an open. Thoughtstarter: ... swirl around the woman as if pointing her out.

She wasn’t press, government or free lance. She wasn’t acting like any of the usual suspects. Scott was good at spotting a tail and classifying which kind of threat they posed. He’d been hunted by the best that each group offered and had become very adept at the game. In the three years since he fled the States he’d eluded so many people it had become routine. A bit of an info dump here, yet it lacks clarity--who does “each group” refer to? Vague. What are the different kinds of threats? “the usual suspects” is a cliché, look for something fresher. I suggest you trim this by roughly half.

This one was different. Not to say she was inept. On the contrary; she was exceptional. If he hadn’t been in a heightened state he might have missed her subtle attempts to track him. She blended in so well that a lesser man would have been unaware of her attention. She did nothing to give herself away and moved in and out of the crowds so well there was nothing to indicate she was trailing him. “This one was different” is redundant--you spent the previous paragraph letting us know that. “heightened state” is telling, for one thing--and what does that mean? Can you show us through his thoughts and behavior and emotions what is meant by this? And why is he in a heightened state on this particular day? Is he always at a heightened state? This description causes more problems than it solves, IMO.

Scott was impressed. Whoever this was, she was serious competition. He smiled. He relished the challenge she posed. The sentence I deleted is more “telling.” And redundant--the rest of the paragraph lets us know.

The smart thing would be to disappear. He’d done it before without any qualms, knowing it was the safe move. The problem was he didn’t always do the smart thing. If he did he wouldn’t be in the mess he was in.

I suggest you whittle this even more than I have and then insert some of the feel of the scene, the sensory aspects, and try to slip us more into his head. It would be good to give some idea of how he came to know that she is following him, especially in the light of the later revelation that he isn’t even on the street--which seems like it would make him darned hard to follow.

As I think about this, I realize that I didn't find it very involving. I think it's the lack of sensory details (where's the heat and sweat of being a human being) and in the aloofness of the character, who doesn't seem to feel a lot.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[MK Mariner]

My first impression was, "Too many words." Second impression, "Too much passive voice." Nonetheless, I wanted to know where the story would go. The pace needs to match the intended pace, and draw the reader into the scene. I felt like I was watching someone else from far away.

[Beth]

Too much explaining. The voice is flat. The descriptions are generic. This story needs some life breathed into it.

[Karen E.]

Hi, Eddie. I read your submission, Ray's comments, and the two comments before mine. Then, I read your submission again.

I said no, but wait. . .there's a story there. The key is to breathe life into that story by breathing life into the characters who are telling it, right? As Ray wrote, 'where's the heat and sweat.'

I have a suggestion: read some of Elmore Leonard's stuff. Go online and find excerpts, blogs dedicated to his work, interviews, his 10 rules of writing, etc.

One reviewer wrote: "Extraordinary, that after dozens and dozens of novels, Leonard still breathes life into just about every line. . ."

That's what you have to do, Eddie. That's what we're waiting for.

Good luck, Karen

[Heather]

I thought the writing was fairly clean and there were some story questions raised. I had two issues:

1) I agree with Ray that this needs a trim. Like Beth, I felt there was too much explaining and redundant explaining, at that. For instance:

"She wasn’t press, government or free lance. She wasn’t acting like any of the usual suspects. Scott was good at spotting a tail and classifying which kind of threat they posed. He’d been hunted by the best that each group offered and had become very adept at the game . In the three years since he fled the States he’d eluded so many people it had become routine."

I feel like every sentence in that paragraph is just a slightly different way of telling me that he's been on the run so long that he's become adept at evading the normal agencies, so he knows she's different. I don't want to be told the same thing three times with subtle variation. Craft one sentence that does that and then give me something new in subsequent sentences. Same issue with the following paragraph. You indicated she was different from everyone else in the paragraph before, so you don't need another paragraph to explain it all again.

2) I didn't feel much tension in this, and I think it's partly because of the lack of any action. Even the descriptions of what she's doing are explaining how she moves rather than actually showing her moving. There are also no real stakes implied here--some hint at what happens if he gets caught. Is he a criminal, a terrorist, a spy, a witness? How would getting caught jeopardize his goals? Right now, I feel like I'm just observing a guy observing a gal, not much more than bemused by her success in following him. (And, actually, she's not very successful. He seems to easily have noticed her despite her awesome and unusual trailing abilities.)

What I'd much rather read is a passage where he's doing something more active than sitting in a bar, gets caught off guard when he notices her tailing him, and then subtly tries to evade her, weaving in the backstory about him fleeing the States and evading everyone. I'd rather be brought into a moment of actual threat, rather than where he's safely pinpointed her from on high and is removed from the scene below.

[Chris Fries]

I liked the voice, but I have to agree with Heather above. Her point number two is exactly what I was going to say -- the only action here is a swirling piece of trash, and the tension is completely missing. He doesn't seem like he's at any risk or have anything to lose, so why should I be concerned?

I think there's likely a fine story here, but it needs more of a grab at the beginning. At least give me a hint of why I should care about the protagonist -- his cocky nonchalance does little to pull me in.

[Kristy]

I voted yes because I think there is a story here and I did want to read on, but I agree with all the other comments. Any threat here is meaningless because he is already aware that he is being tailed and is obviously experienced enough in being pursued that we know he's going to find a way out. I also definitely would have liked to see more showing and less telling.

[Doug]

I'm piling on. I voted yes for the story questions and generally clean English writing.

It sounds like a good spot to start the story, but it's dawdling with the infodump-y second paragraph and by regularly repeating information we readers already have learned. At the same time, it's withholding information that we need and reasonably should have.

We're also being kept at a distance from Scott by the passive voice and the "telling." Move us in closer, with the additional disclosures that involves, tighten up the infodumps and the repetition, maybe add a bit more action, and this will probably be a winner.

[EddieTol]

Thanks all, and Ray especially. I needed to hear this and it has inspired me to clean this up and try my best to remove 'me' from the writing (thanks Karen). This advice was very helpful.