We pause for a note on showing versus telling

Frequently I see in manuscripts and in published work a bit of telling like this one from a recent edit:

The candidate paused, and for the first time smiled at the camera.

Here’s another one with a use of ellipses to indicate a pause and then dialogue to let you know that it was a pause:

“. . . He’s a very nice man.”

Steve noticed the pause. “All the time?

This is “telling.” It’s straightforward and common . . .  but there’s a better way to create an actual pause that the reader can feel and absorb as an integral part of what’s going on. A stronger technique is to create a pause in the reader’s reading of the narrative by showing the speaker actually pausing. You do that with action or thought beats.

Here’s the first example rewritten to create an actual pause:

The candidate stopped speaking and gazed at the camera. For the first time, he smiled.

Here’s an action remedy for the second example:

Susan studied the photo. “He’s a very nice man.”

Steve noticed the pause. “All the time?

Here’s that author using ellipses for a hesitation:

“. . . That is generous of you.”

“You hesitated. Why?”

The reader has to be told that the ellipses mean a hesitation. Instead:

“That is . . .” Susan pursed her lips. “. . . generous of you.”

Still, the fact that the listener notices the hesitation is important, but his dialogue could be more to the point:

“Why the hesitation?”

Here are more examples drawn from manuscripts and ways to show a pause rather than tell.

“Do you know Frank?”

There was a pause.

“Yes, he’s a friend. A good friend.”

Instead:

“Do you know Frank?”

Susan decided to be open about the relationship.

“Yes, he’s a friend. A good friend.”

This from an action scene:

 “I’m in a red SUV, headed straight for you.”

After a few seconds pause, Susan shouted, “Got it. We see you.”

Or, with a real pause:

“I’m in a red SUV, headed straight for you.”

He gained another hundred yards before Susan shouted, “Got it. We see you.”

How about this one?

Tutu replied, “Let me just say that one of the things we need to establish is that—” Long pause—“God is not a Christian…”

Or

Tutu replied, “Let me just say that one of the things we need to establish is that—” He peered at his audience, searching for the right words.—“God is not a Christian.”

Here’s one that already had the pause:

He paused, and wiped his mouth on his dirty sleeve, then took a deep breath and blurted his precious information.

Telling us that he paused seems redundant. Instead:

He wiped his mouth on his dirty sleeve, then took a deep breath and blurted his precious information.

So . . . illustrate a pause rather than report that there was one and you’ll come closer to involving the reader in the experience of the scene.

For what it’s worth,

Ray

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© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Whenthemusesspeak.blogspot.com]

Great article, Ray. I know that I have a tendency to tell, rather than show, and it's something that I've been working on. If you ever get over to my blog, let me know what you think.

I believe I'm getting better about it, but another opinion would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for a fun read! Keep it up.

[N A Hart]

Bless you for this! As I look over my WIP, I find that I'm not consistent in my treatment of "pauses." This is a great reminder to clean all of them up and make them more interesting and organic. Thank you.

[Heather]

I'm really trying to stop relying on this crutch, too. Sometimes, all the action flows along nicely, and sometimes, everyone keeps pausing... and staring... and gazing, etc. Pausing and gazing. *sigh* ... oh, and smirking.