Flogometer for Sheri--would you turn the page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not the just characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Sheri has sent a revision of Favors.

The door vibrated and cracked under the weight of Frankie’s fists. “I take it back!” Sarah’s throaty voice pleaded in response on the other side.

“Open the damn door!” Frankie said. “If you don’t open it now, I’ll break it down!”

Sarah thought of their unborn child. Tears were filling her eyes. “Please,” she begged, “I didn’t mean it!”

She stared at the door, thinking maybe he had left. Suddenly a loud bang was followed by splinters of the door frame falling to the ground; the damaged door swung open with a kick to reveal a large man with his hands in fists. Sarah backed away. “I’ll leave and won’t come back, I promise!”

Frankie approached her and relaxed his fists. He lifted his arms as if to embrace her. Sarah hesitantly stepped forward to talk as he grabbed her by the throat.

“Frankie, no!” Her voice was a whisper under his grasp. She clawed at him to release her. Her right arm hit him in the face, causing him to tighten his grip.

He began shaking her over and over, backing her into the entry wall saying, “Damn right you won’t tell! I’ll shut your mouth!”

Sarah’s arms were intermittently swinging at him now, until they fell at her sides. As she began to collapse under his grip, he released her. She crumpled in a heap against the wall, her (snip)

Definite progress, but . . .

Sheri has definitely raised good story questions with this opening--it’s a strong scene, and the character sympathetic. Now all Sheri has to do is focus on writing craft. For me, there were shortcomings that foreshadowed more of the same ahead of a narrative that’s not ready for prime time. Good going on the storytelling, though. Notes:

The door vibrated and cracked under the weight of Frankie’s fists. “I take it back!” Sarah’s throaty voice pleaded in response on the other side. This feels like it’s Frankie’s point of view because her voice is on the other side, but it turns out we are in hers. Another pov glitch is “throaty voice.” While Frankie can hear it that way, she wouldn’t. Here’s how I would rewrite this: The door vibrated and cracked under the weight of Frankie’s fists. Sarah cried out, “I take it back!”

“Open the damn door!” Frankie said. “If you don’t open it now, I’ll break it down!”

Sarah thought of their unborn child. Tears filled were filling her eyes. “Please,” she begged, “I didn’t mean it!”

Silence. She stared at the door, thinking maybe he had left. Suddenly a loud bang was followed by splinters of the door frame falling to the ground; the damaged door swung open with a kick to reveal a large man Frankie with his hands in fists. Sarah backed away. “I’ll leave and won’t come back, I promise!”

Frankie approached her and relaxed his fists. He lifted his arms as if to embrace her. When Sarah hesitantly stepped forward, to talk as he grabbed her by the throat. Overwriting--too much detail and wordy, it slows the action. This should be a tense, fast-moving scene.

“Frankie, no!” Her voice was a whisper under his grasp. She clawed at him to release her. Her right arm She hit him in the face, causing him to tighten and he tightened his grip. Specifying which arm is overwriting unless there’s something significant about it, and there isn’t in this case. “causing”  is weak language. Just do it. Also, don't have body parts do things (her right arm), have the person do them (She).

He shook began shaking her over and over, backing her into the entry wall saying, “Damn right you won’t tell! I’ll shut your mouth!” I wasn’t sure what “over and over” meant in relation to shaking someone. And is “entry wall” correct? Entry hall? Needs clarification.

Sarah’s arms were intermittently swinging beat at him now, until her arms they fell at her sides. As she began to collapse under his grip, he released her. She crumpled in a heap against the wall, her (snip) Still overwriting, and a big, slow word like “intermittently” doesn’t, I think, belong in an action scene.

So how do you deal with shortcomings such as these. You might try:

1. Get into the head of the character, be the character. If you’re truly that woman in that room, then it might be harder to write about her voice being on the other side of the door, which is clearly not from inside her experience.

2. Try reading it aloud and see where you slow or stumble.

3. Question adverbs that prop up a weak noun--they’re weak in themselves; look for a strong verb that does the job.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[P A Wilson]

I agree with your comments, but I would have read a bit further before giving up.

I did wonder why the piece isn't written in first person, if Sarah is the protagonist, it's easier to get in her head, if you are writing from her head.

[EddieTol]

I agree with Ray, this was close but the writing sort of got in the way. I, too, was confused over which side of the door you were referring to. You start out great, with lots of tension and action, but the lack of clarity with your second sentence detracted from your opening.

I also struggled with some of the imagery you used. Thinking about splinters of doorframe falling to the ground didn't resonate with me. I can see splinters flying or chunks of the doorframe falling to the ground, but splinters falling lacked the impact that the scene needed.

I agree with Ray that the use of the word 'intermittently' was awkward and weakened the scene. Another word, or a reworking of that section, which Ray suggests, would help.

I liked the story and wanted to read on but the writing was a little cumbersome and made me hesitant to venture on knowing there would be more of the same. I would consider re-reading this with a critical eye toward trimming this down and looking for better, cleaner and more concise ways to convey the scene. Not only your opening, but the rest of the manuscript.

What you did well was raise a question that I wanted to know the answer to. I connected with her enough to want to know how the scene turned out.

ET -

[N A Hart]

I second (or is it "fourth" by now) everything Ray said. The point of view issues confused me and I kept trying to figure out whose head I was in, less on what was going on.

As far as what's going on, this is where it gets subjective: I don't like the first page finding someone in a horrible, violent situation. It's too much of a slap in the face and it actually gets in the way of me attaching to the POV character. I'd rather know something, anything, have any minor connection before seeing her/him in such peril. But others probably prefer an opening like this one :-)

[Doug]

I agree, it's the writing craft that's a problem. Most of the glitches are small stuff, but there are a *lot* of small glitches in here, especially in the way that actions are being connected together.

In addition to what's already been mentioned:

In paragraph 4: "maybe he had left" would be better as "maybe he had gone." Generally, "left" isn't used alone: "He left his keys," "She left home," or "They left for the coffee shop."

Immediately following that is the word "Suddenly," which is like an exclamation point: use it sparingly, and for effect.

Paragraph 5: Ray already fixed it without comment, but the "as" in the final sentence of this paragraph is incorrect because it says that Sarah stepped forward at the same time that he grabbed her by the throat, with no cause-and-effect.

Paragraph 6: The participles ("ing" words) have over-run the first sentence. You've got three things going on simultaneously: shaking, backing, and saying — do those really need to be simultaneous? The most amusing part is that the wall is saying "Damn right..."

The big glitch: "Damn right you won’t tell!" Where did this come from? Sarah had been pleading "I take it back," "I didn't mean it," and "I’ll leave and won’t come back," but there's nothing there about telling. I'll grant that it's reasonable that Frankie and Sarah have different understandings as to what the fight is about — maybe that's why there's a fight in the first place — but if that's the case, I don't know that I'd want it just dropped on us poor readers without any foreshadowing or other hints.

Paragraph 8: I didn't understand how swinging at him led to her arms falling to her sides. I suspect that the word "until" isn't what you were looking for.

"As she began to collapse" is confusing. The "began" suggests (duh) the beginning of an action, but the "as" says that the action is on-going. We also have Frankie simultaneously releasing her, which means he formed the intent to release her before she began to collapse, again with no cause-and-effect. Ray's discussed this before:
http://www.floggingthequill.com/flogging_the_quill/2006/08/watch_your_as.html

The content is there, but the writing keeps the actions from flowing.

[flibgibbet]

Action scenes are difficult to write well. They can easily devolve into melodrama, are often over-written, and that's how this one read to me.

Action in the opening scene is harder still, and writer's often succumb to the "as you know Bob..." to reveal as much backstory as possible. I see a little of that here.

I think the story has promise, but the craft needs work. I'd suggest an opening line dedicated to scene sitting, as in "Sarah sat crouched in the corner of the entryway(wherever)as Frankie's fists threatened to break down the front door..."

And while I'm a big fan of "said" as a tag, I don't think it works here for Frankie's first line. I'd break the "rules", leave off the exclamation point, and use something like "commanded". In fact, I think it's more frightening if Frankie isn't shouting, but speaking in a barely controlled voice. I'd also work on his and her dialogue. As written, I see it as a missed opportunity to reveal specific characters, and as Doug said it doesn't make sense.

In order to show and not tell that Sarah is pregnant, perhaps she could try and protect her abdomen/unborn child during this fight.

My biggest bugaboo though, has to be her backing up, then moving toward him once he puts his arms out (as if to embrace her). I just can't see that as a rational action/reaction from either one of them.

Once again, the story has promise and with practice this could be really good. Best of luck author.

[Beth]

The lack of clarity in POV was the first problem I noticed, followed by other writing issues. But what really kept me from engaging with this was not knowing that they're fighting about. There's a lot of sound and fury, but it doesn't signify much with motivation. I would guess that there's a better place to begin this story.

[Beth]

Oops! I meant to say, "...it doesn't signify much withOUT motivation."

[Sheri]

Thanks, you guys. This gives me a lot to work with. She actually dies in this scene (house history)and then the story fast forwards to present time, yet she never really leaves the house. The book deals in unraveling what is happening in this scene, among other issues.

[N A Hart]

Sheri, it sounds like this scene is more of a prologue, telling the reader what they "have to know" before the story starts. This is so subjective, but as a reader, I don't like prologues. I have to be talked into buying books with them. If I open a book by a new-to-me author and I see a prologue, I put it down and walk away.

How would your story change if you didn't give this scene to the reader first? If you started in at the beginning of the story and hinted at this scene in little drips until the moment it is really important for the current participants in the story to know? By then, we might really care for Sarah and we will be terrified and weepy while we're reading because it's happening to someone we *know," so it's personal and not just a tease.

I apologize for being so passionately anti-prologue, but I encourage you to imagine how it would change if you withheld this story at the beginning. Sounds like a lot of deep things will be happening in your story.

[Bree]

Sheri,

Knowing that she dies at the end of the first scene (as NA Hart says, the prologue) makes me *less* likely to want to read ahead. I agree with NA and think that maybe starting in present time and then weaving the history into the story elsewhere might be more effective.