Flogometer for Natalie--would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not the just characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Natalie has sent the opening of a middle-grade novel, working title The Giant Killer.

Every few steps, David stopped to scan the top and sides of the hill. After yesterday, he couldn’t let his guard down. To the north was an outcropping of rocks, some of them big enough for a predator to hide behind.

A goat pushed his tunic between his legs as he loaded a palm-sized stone into the sling and looped the leads loosely around his fingers. The stone swung in the breeze. His knees were bent, ready to spring, but he could barely swallow past the knot in his throat. He let off a high lob that landed on the biggest rock with a loud crack. A few of his sheep bleated and shied away, a bird squawked and fluttered off. But nothing else.

He clambered onto that big rock and crouched, running his fingertips over the gravel and flipping over loose stones at the base. No big scat, just bird droppings.

From his vantage point, he could see that all the surrounding outcroppings were low, shallow. Not big enough for anything to use as cover, but to make sure, he stood and let out a piercing ki-yi-yi-yi. In his imagination, it rolled over the hills and swooshed through the valleys, letting everything know: don’t mess with David, son of Jesse.

In reality, all it did was spook the flock.

Most of the sheep fled into the safety of the group, comfort-loving animals they were, forming a squirmy knot, but the goats always made him work harder. Of course, he couldn’t run (snip)

Another near miss

I liked the writing and the voice--good stuff. And the opening couple of paragraphs  promised some tension.

But then the threat went away and there was no danger, no jeopardy, nothing much for David to deal with. There’s much better tension and story later in the chapter. While this throat-clearing may work for middle-grade readers, I don’t see why there can’t be tension as well.

More than that, this story is set in biblical times, near Bethlehem. I think the latter fact should definitely be on the first page--yes, I know that will be in a blurb or pitch letter, but still . . .

Later in the chapter, conflict shows up, David’s older brother who has been sent to mind the flock. He’s resentful and abusive to David--he had planned to go to the feast, but for some mysterious reason David had been requested to attend instead. I’d figure out a way to start there.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kristy]

I voted yes to turn because I was immediately intrigued by idea of a novelized version of the David and Goliath story. The conflict in the story is so well-known that it was very interesting to me as a reader to see this relatively subdued scene at the beginning to ease me into the world.

[Karen E.]

Almost. . .I felt that the writer succeeded in portraying young David as a boy testing his mettle in that wild, beautiful place. I could almost hear the crack of the rock smacking against that larger boulder, and the boy's piercing call rolling across the hills and valleys. Good imagery.

A couple of questions: At the beginning, the sentence: "After yesterday, he couldn't let his guard down." I wondered what had happened and wished there had been a bit more info provided. . .example: "After yesterday's near-fatal brush with the mountain lion, he couldn't..." Just a thought.

I found myself a little confused with the sentence about the goat, pushing the tunic between his legs. Whose legs? What goat? My first thought was that the protagonist was a goat. . .then there was the remark about his fingers and that threw me, as goats have cloven hooves. EEK.

I didn't catch the David and Goliath theme. Maybe I'm dense! Now that I understand that, I have a better sense of the story, so I certainly appreciate that.

I think it's a good start, especially for the audience Natalie is targeting. I wish we could read the entire chapter.

[EddieTol]

This is tough for me because I wasn't engaged, but I'm not the target audience. I can appreciate good writing and good scene setting, but for me it was too much scene setting and not enough captivating story line (s). If I had the attention span of a middle grader I would need to be hooked a little stronger than this does.

Yes I got the David angle right away but will your target audience? Will it be enough to make them turn the page? for the 11 year old in me, it didn't.

[Melody]

Like Karen, I was very confused about the goat--so much that I was distracted through the rest of the page. I imagined a goat behind David, sticking its head between his legs, which should elicit some kind of reaction from David... right? Or did I miss something crucial to the understanding of that line?

[MK Mariner]

Good writing and imagery.
By the second paragraph I realized it was the Biblical story, and I thought, "Oh, I know this story already," and wanted to quit reading. That, and the regression away from tension moved me not to turn the page. The page needs a hook to make me continue reading a story I think I already know. The goat didn't do it for me. Knowing more about what happened yesterday, as Karen suggests, might have been more enticing.

[http://nataliehart.com/]

Thank you all for your honest responses. This is invaluable for getting out my head and my intentions!

[P A Wilson]

Almost. I agree the voice is good and for me the tension would have taken me a bit further to find out why David was so worried.
What made it a no for me was the fact I wondered if it was the story of David and Goliath being retold, or not. I would think being up front for the reader is important because they don't read the pitch or cover letter.

[Beth]

The sentence about the goat was confusing. The two halves of the sentence had nothing to do with each other and I was completely lost until I figured out it was a story about David and Goliath.

The page as a whole seemed to ramble. It wasn't moving towards anything.

Re the title -- Giant Killer needs to be hyphenated. I misread it at first, thinking it meant a killer who was really big...