Flogometer for MK --would you turn the page?

Writerly Tidbits for the FtQ Crew Here are a couple of things that may be of interest to you.

Chainbooks.com The idea behind it is that the authors for the site write chapter 1 of a book. Someone else writes chapter 2. A third person chapter 3 and so on until the book is complete at 24 chapters. There’s no pay involved, but it’s a pretty fun process and the books, when completed, get published so every writer can say they are then a published author.

Advice from Algis Budrys as relayed by author Mark Sumner in his “We’re going to write a novel” post on a political blog--the post has nothing to do with politics, and I think is worth a read.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

MK has sent the first chapter of FLAGSHIP! Riven Dawn

Scarlett hefted the butcher knife in her trembling hand. Her battered right eye swelled shut, the pain throbbing with each rapid heartbeat.

 Patrick’s terrified screams from upstairs accosted her ears. Luke’s loud drunken curses interjected, but the baby shrieked all the louder. Scarlett paused a second to quell her panicked breathing. Then she tightened her grip on the hardwood hilt and bounded up the stairs.

“Mommy’s coming, Patrick.”

Sunday, 1 April - 0430 SGT (2030Z) - South China Sea

Kate Mahoney woke up frightened and tremulous — again.

“What?”

Her eyes flitted about in the dark, searching for grounding clues. As her senses cleared, she recognized the rocking ocean motion, background machinery noise, faint odor of oil and metal, and the windowless confines of her second deck stateroom.

“BLUE RIDGE,” she muttered aloud in the dark grayness. “Underway on patrol.”

She had fallen asleep atop her rack still wearing her olive green Nomex flight suit from the prior day. An embroidered patch over the right breast bore the U.S. Navy 7^th Fleet logo in gold and silver thread against a royal blue background. A smaller rectangular patch of the same royal blue over her left breast boasted naval aviator wings of gold; her name and title, “CAPT Kathryn (snip)

I didn’t turn the page.

I don’t hold with the sentiment that it is ALWAYS a bad idea to open with a dream, but in this case it didn’t work for me. The dream itself could, with editing, make a suspenseful opening to a story. But then the narrative shifts to someone with a completely different name--and it’s not even clear that she was the one having the dream. Although the writing is clean, I found some craft and storytelling issues that forecast rough sailing ahead. In fact, the narrative quickly leaves Kate and visits the points of view of the commanders of two other vessels, North and South Korean warships on course for a hostile encounter. Now, that is interesting to me, and I wonder about starting with a dream that doesn’t seem to relate and then a character waking and going back to sleep. Some notes, and then an alternative opening taken from later in the chapter, with poll.

Scarlett hefted the butcher knife in her trembling hand. Her battered right eye swelled was swollen shut, the pain throbbing with each rapid heartbeat.

 Patrick’s terrified screams from upstairs accosted her ears. Luke’s loud drunken curses interjected, but the baby shrieked all the louder. Scarlett paused a second to quell her panicked breathing. Then she tightened her grip on the hardwood hilt and bounded up the stairs. I do not recommend using uncommon words such as “accosted” and “interjected” in an action scene. And it’s passive. To say this in an active voice: Patrick screamed upstairs.

“Mommy’s coming, Patrick.”

 Sunday, 1 April - 0430 SGT (2030Z) - South China Sea

Kate Mahoney woke up frightened and tremulous — again.

“What?” Here would have been the place to let us know that the dream was hers, and to relate it to her. As it is, we have no clue. The different names are confusing to me.

Her eyes flitted about in the dark, searching for grounding clues. As her senses cleared, she recognized the rocking ocean motion, background machinery noise, faint odor of oil and metal, and the windowless confines of her second deck stateroom. Eyes don’t “flit about.” Again, this is passive. Involve the person, not her body parts. For example: She searched the darkness etc.

“BLUE RIDGE,” she muttered aloud in the dark grayness. “Underway on patrol.” The names of ships are italicized.

She had fallen asleep atop her rack still wearing her olive green Nomex flight suit from the prior day. An embroidered patch over the right breast bore the U.S. Navy 7^th Fleet logo in gold and silver thread against a royal blue background. A smaller rectangular patch of the same royal blue over her left breast boasted naval aviator wings of gold; her name and title, “CAPT Kathryn (snip) ACK! Now we slip into info-dump. Stay with the action, with the story, not a detailed description of her uniform and what she’s wearing. As mentioned, after one more paragraph of description from completely outside this character, she goes back to sleep.

Now for something completely different. Here is an excerpt from later in the chapter that I think would make a better opening:

“Hostile contact, bearing 320, range 25 miles, high speed, moving south.” The rookie South Korean Navy (ROKN) watch officer spoke in staccato Hangul, high-pitched. “Approaches Northern Limit Line.”

The officer of the deck gazed at the oscilloscope. “KPN. We hail it on bridge to bridge.”

The OOD keyed the transmitter. “Vessel approaching Northern Limit Line, this is Republic of Korea Warship 773. Please identify yourself and say intentions.”

Silence. Dead silence.

 “I say again, vessel approaching NLL, this is ROK Warship 773. You encroach on ROK territorial waters. Please acknowledge and say intentions.”

 Still silence.

 The OOD picked up the ship’s intercom and dialed his captain.

 “Captain, Bridge. Unidentified contact advances on NLL, not answering queries. Believe KPN with hostile intent. Please come to bridge.”

 A hundred miles to the east, the Korean Peninsula — the “Land of the Morning Calm” — basked in early spring sunlight. In the West Sea (the Yellow Sea to most of the world) dawn broke over Baengnyeong Island, known to U.S. forces as “P-Y Do.” One of the Republic of Korea’s five (snip)

What do you think?

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Doug]

For the original, I'm in full agreement with Ray.

For Ray's alternative selection:

I liked the content, until it discarded all of the tension and action of the naval encounter and switched to a pastoral scene of the sun rising. But the writing didn't work for me at all.

Rethinking the paragraphing would help. Removing the Charlie Chan stereotype wording in the dialogue would help a lot, too — these are professional naval officers. And streamlining by removing the many explanatory interruptions would also help.

[EddieTol]

I cringed at the dream sequence opening, but read on to see where this was going. It didn't. I was left wondering about the dream and why it left her feeling frightened and tremulous. Muttering the name of the (supposed) ship didn't work for mke either. I just don't see characters muttering to themselves like this and this seemed more to impart information to the reader than something in-character. You hint at tension, but don't develop it.

I liked the alternate opening Ray selected and, with some tweaking, would work nicely. This offered real tension and action that engaged me and would have had me turning the page.

ET -

[Scott]

It took me a couple of tries to switch gears from the domestic violence scene to the Naval ship. If the author wanted to use the domestic incident as foreshadowing, perhaps it might work better as a prologue...? Just a thought.

While the language was difficult (I agree w/ Ray about the usage of uncommon words), and the original opening sequence was a little confusing, I think that the overall submission (original and Ray's choice for a better intro to the story) definitely hints at something that could be thrilling and suspenseful for the reader. Just don't try so hard to make it exciting. It should be so because it is so. Not because you want it to sound like it is.

As for Ray's opening suggestion, I like it as a better option. I'm not big on military history or jargon so I kind of just focused more on what the author was trying to get across overall rather than to really absorb the language. However, looking back now I can see what Doug was talking about with the stereotyped Korean-speak. In my ignorance of military comms protocols, I initially took it as communications etiquette... kind of just straight and to the point. It might detract from the story experience for those readers who have a military background/ties/interests.

[Holly]

Not sure about the use of "oscilloscope" as a piece of gear on a bridge. Spectrum analyzer or radar perhaps.
Otherwise, I haven't read any stories about naval conflict between the north and south. I'd be interested.

[Bree]

I didn't catch on that the opening scene was supposed to be a dream. The line of text in between stating the date, time and location made me assume that the first bit was more of a separate prologue-type thing than a connected piece with the main narration. Looking back, I'm still not convinced that the first paragraphs are a dream sequence, but as Ray read more, I'm willing to believe that it might become clearer that it is later on.

I was intrigued enough by the first scene with Captain Kate to keep reading, but I definitely feel like I need to know why she's on a naval ship in Korean waters pretty soon in order to keep going.
I was turned off by all of the military jargon in the second scene. Didn't turn the page on that one.

[Melody]

I agree with Bree--the jargon was mind-numbing for me. I have read books in which this kind of vocabulary is necessary, but those books gave me more than a solid wall of jargon.

[Beth]

So this opens with something that could be a dream, though that's actually not clear, followed by a character waking up, with no apparent connection between the two.

Neither is a good place to start.

Ray's fix definitely has more tension, but there's a lot of jargon and no character to engage with. Both get a no from me, I'm afraid.

[me]

"An embroidered patch over the right breast bore the U.S. Navy 7th Fleet logo in gold and silver thread against a royal blue background. A smaller rectangular patch of the same royal blue over her left breast boasted naval aviator wings of gold; her name and title, “CAPT Kathryn (snip)"

It would be more efficient to begin with "Captain Kate Mahoney woke up frightened and tremulous — again," or have another character address her as Captain.

"The rookie South Korean Navy (ROKN) watch officer spoke in staccato Hangul, high-pitched."

Hangul is the writing system of Korean, not the language itself. It's also redundant to specify that a Korean sailor is speaking in Korean.