Flogometer for John --would you turn the page?

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Welcome to the replenished Flogometer--thanks to a number of enlightened writers, there’s enough for a month or so. But don’t let that stop you from submitting.

And there’s a new question about the title in the poll. I don’t know if it will stay, but it seemed like a useful bit of information to gather for the writer.

Also, you may notice the addition of a validation thingy for commenting--I just get too much spam these days, and it takes time to delete it. I hope this won’t trouble you but will cut way down on the spam.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

John has sent the first chapter of Into the Mystic.  

 Near the old Judean port city of Joppa a hardscrabble house made of rock sat near the edge of a wide plain bordered on the east by rolling hills. The old roads that traverse this plain had been traveled over for centuries by armies in pursuit wealth and glory. Soon enough, more armies would come and come again.

The house was stark and bleak. A hundred or so goats were grazing near it and running amongst them were several dogs keeping them confined in a ragged herd. Inside the house a boy of twelve years named Joshua was sitting at a table reading a scroll. Just then his father entered.

“Joshua, we must tend to the goats,” said the father. “You keep reading the teachings but we have work to do.”

“Father,” said Joshua expectantly, “Tell me again about the Teacher of Righteousness.”

 “Son, he came to be because of the sin of pleasure.”

“You have told me that forever but why is pleasure so bad?”

“It corrupts the soul. You will yearn for more and more is never enough. The goodness man truly seeks can never come from pleasure. As you become a man you will better understand this.”

“Is this why we live like we do and why we pay tribute to the Romans?”

“Yes son. Poverty and deprivation will conquer your passions. Come, now, let us take the goats to water.”

I didn’t turn the page.

While the story does start with a scene, the narrative never got around to raising story questions for me, thus there was no tension to motivate a page turn. Not much happens I this scene--a little talk about religious principles and then they return to tending the goats. If the boy were rebelling against the teachings and there were consequences for that behavior, then my interest level would have risen. This chapter seemed to be laying ground work (throat clearing), but it didn’t get to story, only to the notion that the boy needs to go study more in a different place.Notes:

Near the old Judean port city of Joppa a hardscrabble house made of rock sat near the edge of a wide plain bordered on the east by rolling hills. The old roads that traverse this plain had been traveled over for centuries by armies in pursuit wealth and glory. Soon enough, more armies would come and come again. This suggests conflict to come, which is good. It isn’t delivered, which is not good.

The house was stark and bleak. A hundred or so goats were grazing grazed near it, and running amongst them were several dogs that kept keeping them confined in a ragged herd. Inside the house, a boy of twelve years named Joshua sat was sitting at a table reading a scroll. Just then his father entered. I advocate avoiding the use of participles, the “ing” words. They feel passive and add to wordiness. Also, an adjective like “several” is vague--“three” (or any specific number) would have been a better word to use because it creates a picture in the reader’s mind; “several” doesn’t. Also, "stark and bleak" is "telling." Show us visually and let us understand that rather than tell us.

“Joshua, we must tend to the goats,” said the father. “You keep reading the teachings, but we have work to do.”

“Father,” said Joshua expectantly, “Tell me again about the Teacher of Righteousness.” I’m not sure what “expectantly” means in terms of saying “Father.” Adverbs just don’t make good description--it would be better, IMO, to show the boy’s behavior that communicates this, or to give his thoughts that created the attitude.

 “Son, he came to be because of the sin of pleasure.”

“You have told me that forever, but why is pleasure so bad?” We could use an action beat here--and in other places in this dialogue string--to characterize and, perhaps, increase tension. For example, if interior monologue/thoughts show the boy internally disagreeing with this, conflict is introduced and we know more about him.

 “It corrupts the soul. You will yearn for more and more is never enough. The goodness man truly seeks can never come from pleasure. As you become a man you will better understand this.” Description of what he does physically would be helpful in picturing his attitude. As it is, this is just a platitude. Is he fervent? What?

 “Is this why we live like we do and why we pay tribute to the Romans?”

 “Yes son. Poverty and deprivation will conquer your passions. Come, now, let us take the goats to water.”

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[EddieTol]

While John didn't offer any real tension or story, I would turn the page. I liked the opening and I appreciate the fact John took the time to set the scene with both a location and a timeframe. Too many times I'm dropped into the middle of the action on a story and I have no clue where I am. John offered me context in which to frame his story. Now, if he doesn't get to the point on the next page, my interest may wane and I may stop reading.

Also, his curious use of the sin of pleasure did spark my interest, enough to see where he was going with it.

My two cents

ET -

[Doug]

What Ray said.

Me, I liked the title but not the "movie script" feel of the writing: it starts with an establishing shot that leads to a zoom in on the main character, then records the scene with camera and microphone.

This "objective third-person" point of view (PoV) probably still gets some usage in literary fiction (I don't read literary, so I can't say), but for genre fiction today you're going to need something really special to make it palatable, and what we're shown in these few lines isn't really special.

In genre novels we are almost always let in on what the PoV character is sensing, thinking, and feeling. We can bond with the protagonist. This is something that movies and TV can't do, which is one reason that movies rarely make it past one or two sequels while book series can go on for a dozen titles or more.

The "Hollywood dialogue," where the two characters rehash information they already know, just for the benefit of the reader, also added to the feeling that this was a movie script and not a novel. So did the characters addressing each other by name in their first lines.

[Lexi Revellian]

The title niggles me, as 'mystic' is usually an adjective, not a noun. Into the mystic what, I thought.

The conversation struck me as stilted, not the way a child or father would be likely to speak to each other. Novels require naturalistic speech (though I know fantasy often seems to get away with murder in this regard).

[Scott]

First time poster, never been published, but I am a reader so take this for what it's worth:
I'm with Doug on the movie script analogy. As I read these lines, I visualize an opening sequence in a Disney theatrical cartoon. I mean no offense, but I see the camera slowly zooming in towards it's intended target (the boy at the table inside the home). As it moves closer, there is a static backdrop with a few obligatory movements in the foreground to give the scene flavor. Maybe there is even a narrator reading the opening paragraph as we close in on our main character (we're magically transported through the wall where we see Joshua just as the narrator says, "Soon enough, more armies would come and come again").
I feel like I'm watching it, in other words, instead of really experiencing the sensations of the environment. I'm not there, in mind or in body. Having never been to or studied Joppa, I know nothing about the life and atmosphere there, but I'm sure so much more rich detail can be offered to give me a good idea of what it's like. Is it dusty? Does it smell like the ocean? Is it sparsely populated? What makes the house stark, bleak and hardscrabble? Even if there was a little more depth to the history the author begins to introduce (e.g. were wars fought in these hills? Has the scenary/population suffered as a result?) I think it would help transport the reader.
In terms of story, again, Doug nailed it. It feels scripted: "Cue the boy to read. Here comes dad. And... action!" I don't feel like there's anything to connect to with either character. I don't get a sense of their mannerisms, moods, I have no idea what they look like (not that you should do all the work, but at least give me a little something to work with). They're almost afterthoughts.
As far as tension, when I read "more armies would come..." I anticipated seeing maybe a battalion cresting one of the hills, or a harbinger of sorts warning of impending doom. The following narrative was kind of a let down. Or, perhaps instead of Joshua asking about the pleasure vs sin thing, dad could catch him in the act of doing something "sinful"... maybe dad walks in and finds the boy stealing a bite to eat even though the family food supply is way low. It's an "in" for dad to remind him about the story of the Teacher of Righteousness.
Finally, language: Presumably, in Joppa the native tongue is non-western? In other words, the conversation (any conversation) would, in reality, be affected by dialect, idioms, maybe even a little native slang. Assuming this manuscript is intended to be written in English, maybe pepper the dialogue with some appropriate... Jopp-isms. Make it more authentic for the reader. You could even toss in a foreign word or two in your descriptions now and then (think Kite Runner).
All that said, I don't think this will be a bad story. I think the author has somewhat of an outline for what he imagines are the main points he wants to hit. Now -for me- it's about going back and enriching the environment for the reader and adding depth to the characters... I mean, after all, they aren't technically supposed to be characters, really. They're supposed to be people experiencing life as it happens. I think the reader should experience it with them.
Long winded... I know. That's me. But I sincerely hope this helps. Best of luck with your work.

[Kristy]

I voted no for the cinematic opening, as mentioned above. The dialogue is also painfully stilted and seems to be rehashing things that both characters already know.

[Sheri]

I was really getting into the scene (well done on scene setting, by the way)--as it was introduced and then, I wasn't. I read recently that a writer should enter into an action scene late, and leave early. This makes for a page turner. Maybe get to a conflict in the story to begin...jump in late and leave it early. Chapter one.