Flogometer for Jean --would you turn the page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
•  Tension (in the reader, not the just characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Jean has sent the first chapter of “Untitled Sequel.”

I didn’t think my shipping business was overly successful, not to the point where anyone would want me dead over it. But as I lay there on the floor, observing the fine spray of my blood on my office wall, I had to consider that I might be wrong.

 Heavy footsteps drew closer.

Damn. I knew I was rusty, having been out of the business for over four years, but it was still disappointing to know that I’d not done any serious damage with the two knives I’d managed to throw before toppling from my chair. I tried to peer around my desk, but my body wouldn’t cooperate.

 Rhaine was going to be pissed that I missed dinner yet again.

 The footsteps stopped.

 Something tingled inside my head. The telepathic barriers I’d erected years ago dissolved as my mental strength faded.

 The tingle came again. Familiar.

 The black form of my killer loomed over me. “Oh fuck! Vayen, is that you?”

***

I woke to a dream. I thought it was a dream, prayed to Geva that it was, but when I blinked for the tenth time, the cold metal room was still there. The metal ceiling, metal walls, (snip)

Yes, indeed.

Delightful voice, high-caliber writing, multiple story questions raised, paranormal stuff, and more. Loved the humor in “I had to consider that I might be wrong” after observing her blood on a wall.  I was intrigued and wanted more. I have just two notes for Jean concerning the last two paragraphs:

The black form of my killer loomed over me. “Oh fuck! Vayen, is that you?”  suggest adding a dialogue tag, maybe “It said,” to make it perfectly clear who is speaking, and it helps moderate the possible negative response to the notion of this maybe being a dream in the next paragraph.

***

I woke to a dream. I thought it was a dream, prayed to Geva that it was, but when I blinked for the tenth time, the cold metal room was still there. The metal ceiling, metal walls, (snip) Many people reflexively react negatively to anything that opens with a dream, so I would make this clear from the start that it’s not a dream. Thoughtstarter: I woke. That was a dream, right? I prayed to Geva that it was, but when  I blinked…etc.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Doug]

Yes, but the barrage of single-sentence paragraphs wore me down. Fix those and address the problems that Ray mentioned, and it's a winner.

Beyond Ray's comment about the not-a-dream, the phrasing "woke to a dream" threw me. I don't think I've seen that construction before, and I don't know what it means. I guessed it might've meant "woke from a dream."

I also wasn't quite sure what to make of "my killer". It led me to believe that the person was dead or about to be dead, and that what would follow would be afterlife, reincarnation, or something to that effect. Since I haven't seen beyond the first page, I don't know what the situation turns out to be.

[Lexi Revellian]

I voted to turn the page.

Word echoes: in the first six lines, you have 'over' twice and 'overly' once.

I assumed the narrator was male, but Ray says it's a female, so if you could somehow let the reader know early on it would be good.

[EddieTol]

I vote yes, also. This grabbed me from the first line and I was ready to turn the page at the fine spray of blood. There are some minor points, such as gender and if the character actually dies, but that's one of the reasons I'm eager to turn the page. These are good story questions that hold lots of promise. Great opening page and I'd like to read more.

ET -

[Irene]

Yes, yes, yes. Loved it. Good luck!

[Jean]

Thanks for the helpful notes Ray, and everyone who had commented so far. Just to clarify, Vayen is male and he's not dead.

[N A Hart]

Yes, indeed.

One picky thing: the part of the line "having been out of the business for four years" sounds as if it doesn't come out of the same voice as the rest. It sounds like the author telling the reader information. If you rework it to match the wittier commentary of the rest, it'll be even tighter.

Love the understatement of Rhaine being pissed that the character was missing dinner again.

[Tony DiMeo]

The voice hooked me. It's very familiar and comfortable and whisks you into the story immediately without you even noticing you're being carried along. Excellent job Jean.

I was thrown a bit by the dream thing. It was a little confusing - but fixable. I, like many others I'm sure, thought your MC had just dreamed the previous scene.

Lexi, thanks for pointing out the word echoes. You helped me realize that I've got the same thing going on in my own WIP first page.

[Beth]

Yes. Good voice, good writing. I was thrown by the scene break, though. I wasn't sure what was going on there, and what it had to do with the opening scene. I would've kept reading in hopes that it was just a continuation of the earlier scene and not a flashback, or worse, a dream.