Flogometer for Holly--would you turn the page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not the just characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Holly has sent the opening of Double Tap.

Jillian Varela received an invitation from Darell Harland Clavey to attend his execution. There was no deciding on this, she knew she would. In fact, if there were any justice at all, they would let her flick the switch that started the lethal cocktail dump.

 On a late Saturday night, in a driving rain, she drove up the Peninsula, through San Francisco, and across the Golden Gate Bridge. Thirty minutes later, she turned into San Quentin’s main gate. In the blackness, to the left of the entrance, stood a lone death penalty protester. Usually, a dozen or more would be there, waving signs and banging drums. The woman stood under a pink golf umbrella with a candle and a soggy cardboard sign on which she had written, “HE IS DYING FOR YOUR SINS.” Jillian didn’t get that.

 Surreal purple and blue oil patches shimmered in the arc of her headlights as she pulled into the visitor’s lot. After checking in, a guard escorted her to the witness room and pointed her to a single folding chair. Jillian was the only one in attendance for Clavey.

 There was muted laughter from the press pool to her left.

 “Good one,” somebody said.

 Jillian looked up at the clock that indicated the official time, 11:55. She looked at her unofficial Casio, 11:52. She pulled the stem and set it.

 At exactly 12:02, they opened the curtains.

Almost

Good, clean writing, and the opening paragraph was definitely an interest-provoker. The second and third were good for setting and mood. So far, so good.

Then there was a reference to a laugh line that we didn’t hear.

Then we set our watch. Then the curtains opened. And I stopped reading.

Why? We left the story. If it had been established that the time was meaningful, perhaps a race to stop the execution, then that would have worked. But here? Not for me.

If you take out the 3 lines of narrative from “Good one…” to “…set it,” you can add these 3 lines from the next page after “At exactly 12:02, they opened the curtains.”

Strapped to a gurney was Darell Harland Clavey.

He seemed calm, almost serene. He craned his neck, spotted Jillian, and gave her a big grin. He turned to the attendant and raised his middle finger. Jillian could read Clavey’s lips, “Fuck you.”

Now, that page I would have turned.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[EddieTol]

Sorry, I'm turning the page.

Yes, The laugh and the comment jarred me out of the scene a little and I expected her to engage the culprits and, no, the setting of the watch didn't bug me. It gave me an insight into her personality.

I wanted to turn the page. This story question demanded an answer. I wanted to know her connection to this prisoner who was about to be executed. I wanted to know the crime he comitted. I also wanted to know why she was the only in attendance (for him?).

This opening engaged me and I would definitely turn the page.

ET -

[Doug]

The first paragraph worked except that 1) two full names were too much, and 2) I didn't understand why she was personally invited by the condemned man if she hated him so much.

Then things came to a stop. We get a drive in driving (do I hear an echo?) rain, a protester with a confusing sign, parking, checking in, people laughing... Some of this could work, but there's way too much of it.

I don't know what's so surreal about oil sheen on a wet parking lot.

"After checking in, a guard..." tells us that the guard checked in. I don't think that's what was meant.

What does it mean that "Jillian was the only one in attendance for Clavey"? In what way was is she there *for* Clavey?

The paragraphing was off. This was made particularly noticeable by the single-sentence paragraphs.

I wonder when this was set. Q got a new execution facility a few years ago, and the activity and descriptions here don't fit with it.

Without knowing what the execution means to Jillian, and what it might mean to the story, I wasn't hooked. It's definitely a matter of taste, but I wouldn't read on just to "enjoy" an execution.

[http://nataliehart.com/]

I voted no, although it could easily shift to a yes. I found myself confused about the one about to die inviting her to witness and then she hates him so she sounds more like a victim, but that couldn't be or the state would've invited her. Those were too many questions for me to want to turn the page and vicariously witness an execution.

The last line of that first paragraph is great -- the author might want to consider making that the first sentence, which would get us into the POV of Jillian right away, and the info could flow after that with maybe just a hint of who he is to her: ex, father, brother, old friend, anything so we have more of a connection.

The "surreal" oil patches threw me, too. They're more atmospheric without the author telling me that I'm supposed to see them as atmospheric. I like all the dark yet shiny imagery of that paragraph.

Although I appreciate that the author is trying to establish the thrown-off feeling with the laughter of the reporters at an execution, Ray's suggestion would make for a stronger opening page.

[Scott]

As is, I voted "no" to turning the page. However, I see promise with some tweaking. I feel like the opening paragraph was a little too quick and easy, like the author included it just to get us up to speed on why the main character ends up at an execution. I would like to have read a little more in the way of how receiving the invitation made her feel. What did she think when she flipped through the mail (assuming that it came via mail) and found a letter with a San Quentin return address? What did she feel as she read the letter? Were her hands shaking? Did she know the execution date was close? (Was it close? "On a late Saturday night" could have been any number of days/weeks/months/years since receiving the letter) And I'm no expert on the Bureau of Prisons but can an inmate just arbitrarily invite whomever he chooses to view his execution? I would think there is a formal process in place for that kind of thing. What was she thinking on her way to the prison? And another procedural question: can you just roll up to a prison unnounced and be led to a death chamber w/o any more formality than "checking in?" These are just some of the questions I would raise. I feel like the author could spend more time on set-up for the main character's arrival (after all, it is an execution) and less on "surreal... oil patches." It's a rain storm. Let the reader create that detail for themselves. There are a few sentence/paragraph structure things I feel could have been done better, but overall I think there is a foundation on which a compelling opening could be built. Just spend a little time getting us into Jillian's head.
And since I mentioned her name, I agree with the comment above about using the whole names in the first paragraph. Drop the formality. That stuff can be settled as we move through the story. If you're set on using the soon-to-be deceased's full name, then go back to what I said about finding that letter in the mail (again, if the invite came via mail). She can certainly read the full name of who sent the letter.

[E.Maree]

I'd vote yes for either version. The writing is clean, there's a clear plot and sense of action, and I want to know where the story goes. Well done, writer.

I wasn't a fan of the use of two full names in the first sentence, it felt unnatural. Also, like some of the above commenters, I'm a little confused why it it seems like Clavey directly invited her - I get the feeling that she's the victim, or at least very closely related to why he got the penalty.

[Jean Davis]

I could have done without the setting of her watch, the press joke we don't hear, the oil in the parking lot and the protestor. What I would have rather known was what she was hoping to get out of watching this man die.

[Lexi Revellian]

You are all wrong!

I really liked this. I'd have kept reading right now. If I were Holly, I wouldn't change anything. I like the touches of humour, I like the writing style and I feel confident that the story questions raised would be dealt with later - meanwhile they intrigued me.

[Irene]

I voted yes. The laughter and the comment did work very well for me: just as the previous mention of a sole protestor, it made me realize that no one really felt sorry for the guy. This alone is sad.

I'm very curious about the rest of it. Good luck!

[Karen E.]

I turned the page. I thought Holly's story was compelling and I wanted to find out more about that horrible man and what his connection was to Jillian. Clearly, he did something so awful that almost no-one was sorry to see him executed.

I've read other comments and a few people mentioned the oil slick part. I think Holly was trying to convey how surreal the entire experience was for Jillian.

The second paragraph felt a little choppy and I was wracking my brain, trying to think how Holly could smooth it out. What about something like:

Usually, a dozen or death penalty protesters would have assembled at the entrance, waving signs and banging drums. This night, there was just one: a young woman standing beneath a pink golf umbrella, holding a candle and soggy cardboard sign upon which she'd scrawled, “HE IS DYING FOR YOUR SINS.”

In pink crayon.
Surrounded by little pink hearts.

Surreal.

Anyway, after that, Holly could segue into the equally-surreal part of her story where Jillian finds herself to be the only "guest" in attendance to view the execution. I think Ray was spot-on with his suggestions to delete those three sentences. If Holly does that, her story packs more of a punch.

All-in-all, I really liked the story so far. I wish Holly a lot of luck.

[Karen E.]

One more thing. . .I meant, ". . .a dozen or so death penalty protesters."

Open mouth, insert foot.