Flogometer for Anita --would you turn the page?

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not the just characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Anita has sent the first chapter of The Ghost Logger’s Curse.

Ricky looked down to where the little clay pot had shattered. All of the crazy, ridiculous schemes of the last few weeks had culminated in this. If you were to believe Destiny, the govi had contained what was both dear and dangerous to Ricky. Now here it was, smashed to pieces on the floor, its contents released to the atmosphere.

 He bent down and picked up a few of the pieces. If he tried to glue them back together, maybe he could reconstruct the colorful jar with its geometric designs and floral patterns. Like the eerie, inexplicable events of the last several weeks, when pieced together, they began to make sense.

 Ricky’s story had begun like many others: a new town, a new school, absentee parents, even a school bully. But somewhere along the way it veered into unchartered territory. What had lain ahead was beyond his wildest dreams or worst nightmares.

 It all began when he first saw the old inn.

 And met the logger.

 The brick two-story building stared down menacingly as he climbed the front steps. Across the road, the sun was sinking behind the stables, its light reflecting off the windows and into his eyes. He reached for the doorknob, but before he even touched it, the door creaked open.

 “I’ve been waiting for you, Goose,” said a familiar voice. He stepped into the dark (snip)

Nope

I liked the voice, and the writing is clean (and we editors love that), but I felt that the narrative wasn’t focused clearly on the story--nor did it succeed in establishing a clear story question that moved me forward.

The opening paragraph had intriguing elements and did generate interest. But then it diverted into telling about the past--I wish it had gone into consequences, hopefully dire, that Ricky faced as a result of the breaking of the pot.

Then we went to all telling, and then into backstory. The italicized part turns to be a dream. Unfortunately, when the narrative comes out of the dream, a different storyline is launched and we don’t return to the smashed pot and the troubles (maybe) that brings. Instead, it’s breakfast time for Ricky and lots of exposition.

Sounds like there’s a story to be told, for sure, Anita--now, if only you could start with that . . . Notes:

Ricky looked down to where the little clay pot had shattered. All of the crazy, ridiculous schemes of the last few weeks had culminated in this. If you were to believe Destiny, the govi had contained what was both dear and dangerous to Ricky. Now here it was, smashed to pieces on the floor, its contents released to the atmosphere. I think the first sentence is too . . . remote. He looks at the “place?” Get him involved with the pot right away. For example: Ricky knelt, sick at heart, beside the shattered govi. If he were to believe Destiny, the little clay pot had held what was dear and dangerous to him, but now all of that was released to the atmosphere. I’d like to know, very soon, what the consequences of this are. But we never get to that.

He bent down and picked up a few of the pieces. If he tried to glue them back together, maybe he could reconstruct the colorful jar with its geometric designs and floral patterns. Like the eerie, inexplicable events of the last several weeks, when pieced together, they began to make sense. At the end, this veers into backstory. Even before that, there’s no suggestion of what he might gain by reassembling the pot.

Ricky’s story had begun like many others: a new town, a new school, absentee parents, even a school bully. But somewhere along the way it veered into unchartered territory. What had lain ahead was beyond his wildest dreams or worst nightmares. Now we’re full into backstory. Readers what what’s happening now, not then.

It all began when he first saw the old inn.

And met the logger.

The brick two-story building stared down menacingly as he climbed the front steps. Across the road, the sun was sinking behind the stables, its light reflecting off the windows and into his eyes. He reached for the doorknob, but before he even touched it, the door creaked open. I’m not fond of the idea of a building staring “menacingly.” Put it in the character’s point of view. Menace seemed to spill from the building and pool around Ricky…

 “I’ve been waiting for you, Goose,” said a familiar voice. He stepped into the dark (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Chro]

Shouldn't it read 'uncharted', not 'unchartered'?

I was interested in why the pot shattering was so dire, but once I saw the story wasn't going in that direction I lost interest.

[http://nataliehart.com/]

The first paragraph got my interest, but it made me want to know what happened next, immediately next. Did he expect thing A to happen but nothing happened? What were the contents? What did they smell like? Look like? I wanted to know, wanted to know how it got broken. But I was disappointed and then bored as the selection got into backstory and foreshadowing eerie events. In the beginning, I like to stay in the now of the story, especially if something potentially big has just happened. All that other stuff can always be slotted in when the reader really needs to know it. I do feel like that first paragraph has promise.

[P A Wilson]

This seems more like an introduction to a story than the first chapter of the story. It's been noted by others that we get something happening then immediately go into back story.
If the back story is important, it needs to be built into the current story, not summarized. I suggest the author cut the paragraphs between the first one, and the words, It all began when....

[EddieTol]

While I liked the writing and the voice, I was put off right away. To me, this felt like the breaking of the clay pot was just a segway to allow the narrator to talk about the past and seemed forced. I didn't even get a chance to get to know Ricky (his age, his current dilemma, etc.)before I'm being pulled into a different direction. If you drop me into the middle of a scene, play it out for me. All I'm left with is story questions (like what was in the pot, what are the consequences, who does it affect) which I have no faith will be answered.

ET -

[Doug]

I did a simplistic statistical survey: I looked at the 20 most recent floggings. Of those, 7 switched to backstory on page one. Of those 7, not a single one got a "yes" from Ray and not a single one got more "yes" than "no" votes from the readers.

Keep the scene moving from the first sentence, through the first paragraph, through the first page, and well into the second page at least. Breaking away for backstory will lose your readers just when you're trying to hook them.

Trust us readers to figure out much of the backstory as we go along. That's part of why we read fiction... for the discovery. That's why most of us don't flip to the back of the book right away to see how it ends.

[Ray Rhamey]

Doug, what a helpful insight. Thank you for doing your little survey. That makes me think I ought to do it for a longer term -- but then I think of the time and work involved.

[http://nataliehart.com/]

This is a great survey, very telling. Thanks, Doug.

[Lexi Revellian]

"What had lain ahead..." This phrase takes the reader into the past, looking forward to a future that is still in the past from where Ricky is now.

Confuse me and make me work on the first page and I may well wander off and do the washing up instead.

[Beth]

I thought this would make a good first line:

It all began when he first saw the old inn.

Maybe start there and just tell the story in order, instead of jumping into backstory and dreams.

I was intrigued by the pot, but I would have given up once I found out that the story was meandering all over the place and wouldn't be returning there in the first chapter.

Also, the writing was kind of flat. And as someone else noted, "uncharted" is the word you're looking for.