So whaddya think of this one?

---

I received some very helpful comments and a thought-freeing design suggestion with the last try at a cover design and back cover blurb for my novel, We the Enemy, so I thought I’d ask again with a new and different approach. Forget everything you read before, please, and take a look. The cover design’s goal is to get you to check out the back cover, and the blurb is aimed at getting a reader to look at the first page inside—not to buy the book, just to open it.

There's a multiple-choice poll below, and comments are especially helpful, so please leave one if you have an opinion. Here's the copy from the back cover:

---

It could be that, not too many years from now ...

The very nature of criminal justice and self defense is changing in the Pacific Northwest—criminals compelled to tell the truth in court, guns converted to nonlethal weapons.

The president aims to capitalize on a wave of opposition and win votes by taking down the man behind it all, Noah Stone. The president’s weapon is Jake Black, an ex Secret Service agent.

Devastated by the killing of his wife and little girl, Jake lives an emotionless existence as a cold-blooded gun for hire. Taking care of Stone nets him a million dollars and that’s all that matters. A ground fog of numbness in his mind smothers everything else—especially the grief he cannot bear.

He goes undercover to get close to Stone and finds a decent man who leads people to better lives—but then a treacherous attack threatens to destroy the hope Stone fosters.

Jake is the one man who can keep that hope alive, but only if he betrays his mission—and if he can find his way to feeling again.

---

Thank you for your help. Here’s hoping the trolls stay under the bridge this time.

Ray
© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Tweet

Comments

[Greg]

After reading the book (well, most of it), I like the new back cover blurb better, and I understand the symbolism of the front cover. However, I’d be tempted to replace the bullet on the front cover with the target, and a big set of crosshairs on it.

The target?

The United States Constitution.

That seems to be the main obstacle confronting most of the principal character’s desires. And “We the People” ironically defines the “We” in “We the Enemy.”

[Deb]

To me the cover looks like a non-fiction cover. I think that is why I don't like it, and the beginning of your blurb sounds like non-fiction.

You need a drawn cover I think maybe. Less stark, but then this isn't my usual type of reading material.

[glj]

The cover image may create less controversy, don't know whether that is good or bad. I didn't understand the assumptions created by the first cover.

The bullet is eye-catching. However, it is the ONLY point of visual interest. I don't have any ideas, just that there is much empty cover space that could be used.

The text is pretty good. The lead-in line seems too vague. Are you implying that this situation could happen in the future? I dislike vague book blurbs that require me to puzzle out what it might mean, kind of a "here's-a-hint-go-figure-it-out-yourself" situation. I would suggest stating that it could/will happen in the future. Vague danger is no danger at all.

The phrase "criminals compelled to tell the truth in court" doesn't work. Criminals are currently "compelled" to tell the truth, whatever that means (at least in theory, but how do you know when they are telling the truth?). This makes me think you are suggesting that in the future the truth will be beat out of them. Not gonna happen (okay, maybe declare them to be a "terrorist", then govt can do what they want). But I suspect you aren't going there.

"The president aims to capitalize on a wave of opposition" Do you mean opposition to converting guns into non-lethal weapons? After all, the opposition could be read as opposition to this Noah Stone instead.

"emotionless existence" and "cold-blooded gun for hire" seems redundant.

"A ground fog of numbness in his mind" This doesn't work for me. I don't know why it couldn't just be "fog", as "ground fog" seems overly dramatic.

"but then a treacherous attack" I assume you mean a treacherous attack by someone other than Jake Black? Is this supposed to imply that Jake must decide whether to protect Noah Stone instead of killing him (or letting someone else kill Stone)?

"and if he can find his way to feeling again." I think this should be "feel" instead of "feeling".

Overall, this promises action and generates tension. Will Jake heal? Will Jake kill Noah Stone? How will Jake get out of the contract? Will Jake change his attitude? Will Jake change sides in this political struggle that he currently cares nothing about except getting paid?

[Tony DiMeo]

I liked this blurb much better, Ray. Definitely enough to get me to take a look inside. The vibe I get from this is "Bourne Indentity-esque thriller."

If I may, I would suggest a change here:

'The president’s weapon is Jake Black, an ex Secret Service agent.'

to this: The weapon the President wields is Jake Black, an ex Secret Service Agent.

The cover didn't do it for me. Too much white space. Really it's too much blank space. Even it the background was a different color it would still feel empty.

I do like the bullet with a name scrawled on it. Maybe the backdrop could be the Presidential Seal? After all, the office of the President does seem to have a major role in this story.

[Heather]

I would be interested in a book with this on the back cover. There are still some redundancies in the description and places where it could be tightened up. Comment is comment-y; sorry.

"The very nature of criminal justice and self defense is changing in the Pacific Northwest—criminals compelled to tell the truth in court, guns converted to nonlethal weapons." [This does feel non-fictiony. I would cut the part after the em-dash (I think a little ambiguity is good... even if others won't agree here) and tie it in more to the next paragraph--maybe "A controversial movement promises to change the very nature of criminal justice and self defense in the Pacific Northwest. With elections only six months away, the President aims to win opposition votes by taking down the man behind it all, Noah Stone. "]

"Devastated by the killing of his wife and little girl, Jake lives an emotionless existence as a cold-blooded gun for hire. Taking care of Stone nets him a million dollars and that’s all that matters. A ground fog of numbness in his mind smothers everything else—especially the grief he cannot bear." [There are some redundancies in the description of Jake and the last sentence is awkward. I've tried a simpler rewrite--"Jake is a cold-blooded gun for hire. Living an emotionless existence after the murder of his wife and little girl, all he cares about, now, is the million dollars he'll net from taking care of Stone."]

He goes undercover to get close to Stone and finds a decent man who leads people to better lives—but then a treacherous attack threatens to destroy the hope Stone fosters. [The thing with this sentence is that it's the wow moment for Jake... he gets there and realizes how great Stone is, starts to believe in him, and then there's treachery from elsewhere that threatens it all... but it doesn't feel like the sentence is given much emphasis.]

Jake is the one man who can keep that hope alive, but only if he betrays his mission—and if he can find his way to feeling again. [I think more needs to be done here. This is the big line that's supposed to have us eager to tear into the book to see what happens to Jake and Stone, but I think we need more risk on Jake's part. I want to know that he has to confront that "grief he cannot bear," and I want hints that he'll get into serious trouble for going against the president.]

As for the cover... still no. I think Deb said what I was trying to say last time. It looks like a non-fiction political book. Of course, I have no idea how to make it not look that way... so ignore me.

:D

[Kristy]

GREAT edit, Ray. Definitely enough to push me to look inside. The blurb is a lot cleaner and more polished, leaving more to be discovered inside the book. I think cutting out Jewel works a lot to your benefit here. Now we KNOW this is Jake's story, and aren't trying to keep track of so many names in the blurb. I agree with all of glj's notes as well, especially about the lead-in line and "criminals compelled" bit. But overall, 100% improvement and definitely something I would pick up.

The cover looks much more professional, although I agree with Tony that it is a bit stark. There is a much more subtle use of colour here, which is of course to my liking ;). I'm not really sure about the "you" on the bullet, though. How does it relate to the "we" in the title? Also, I'm not too hot on the font choice, but that could very well just be personal taste. My immediate thought is that a stencil or something more militaristic would be great and add a little bit of style. (e.g. http://www.dafont.com/vinca-stencil.font)

[tamara]

In full-size, the border is probably red, but it reads as pink at this preview resolution.

I'm not a book cover designer, but my gut instinct is to make it feel more human by using the profile of Jake's face.

[Jamie]

I liked the blurb, but not the cover -- too much white space, and the "YOU" on the bullet just strikes me as wrong somehow. (Others have said it seems more appropriate for non-fiction, and maybe that's what my gut is trying to tell me.)

Hard stuff, designing a cover!

[Ben]

Yeah, it looks like a non fiction book. Don't forget, at Meijers and K-Marts, we shoppers go through aisles with a basket full of groceries and a screaming kid in tow and are deluged with titles about "How The Democrats Are Destroying Our Country" or "How The Republicans Are Destroying Our Country". We won't put much effort in trying to differentiate whether it's fiction or not because the ice cream in the basket is melting and our screaming kid wants to go home and watch cartoons.

I'm not sure what would cause it to look less like nonfiction, maybe change the font to something more exciting, or simply put "A novel by" over your name.