Flogometer for Lil—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character
  

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Lil sent the prologue and first chapter of Charlie. The prologue’s page

The mind is in a precarious balance of molecules, electrons and chemicals. All of them trying to do their job without interference from the other party, but working alongside and with each other the best they can. I liken it to villages living in close proximity, each with their own rules and ways, but each bargaining, trading, and requiring the other village in order to maintain their lifestyle.

Each village has its boss, its workers and, as with all communities, its gossips and troublemakers. The boss, if it’s a good one, keeps things moving smoothly, the workers maintain a healthy existence, the gossips cause little trouble – perhaps some frustration and insecurity – and if the troublemakers are kept in check they cause only sporadic and minor irritants and distractions in the day to day of living. If, however, the troublemaker is left unchecked, he will run amok and cause major problems that interfere with every village; causing a calamity. This is my take on the running of the human mind. If it’s under bad management, look out! That troublemaker will run the place and life as you know it will come to an all-too-sudden halt.

I know this may sound all pie in the sky; like I’m under bad management myself. This theory didn’t just come to me. It came with much thought and consideration to the matter; after my troublemaker took control. Doctors have a way of making everything sound far too (snip)

The first chapter opens this way:

My introduction to the function of the human brain came to me on a day just like any other. There was nothing to distinguish it from any other day in my boring existence; until evening fell.

I went to work that morning at Steve Rhode’s Automotives, where I had been working for the past ten years as a mechanic. Nothing out of the ordinary crossed my mind. Life was still dull, repetitive, and a complete lack of interest encompassed me. Normal. I had Vegemite on toast and a coffee for breakfast and arrived at ten minutes to nine, just like I did every weekday.

I had noticed one thing over the past year, though. My personal hygiene seemed to become irrelevant to me. I would shower when the blokes at work complained of my stink, my teeth were in an awful state, and my house was a den of germs. All of this had no effect on me and, for the most part, didn’t even register in my mind. It was so gradual that it seemed as though I had always been this way.

I knocked off work at five, said ‘see ya’ to the boys and headed home, via the bottle shop, with a slab of VB under my arm. It was a Thursday.

As I sat on the couch, first can already half empty, staring aimlessly at the television, Jimmy came in. Jimmy lived in the flat next to mine. They were identical in every way, except (snip)

Neither worked with me

Quite a nice voice, for sure. For the most part, the narrative flows easily and confidently. But, when all’s done, there’s nothing happening here. There’s no scene to involve me, no real story questions to make me wonder what happens next. I think what we have here is primarily throat-clearing, the writer telling us things she thinks we need to know in order to understand the story. In actuality, what we need here is the story.

The last paragraph of the chapter is where I think this story should start. It was this:

I sat at my poor excuse of a dining table, pen and paper in front of me. I wrote a barely legible farewell and sliced my left arm, from wrist to elbow. Watching the blood drip from my fingertips and pool on the floor left me wondering how I got there.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Bree]

I had the same reaction as Ray. I like the voice quite a bit, but there's nothing happening. I don't think I can give any specific ideas since the whole first scene needs to be changed so that something happens to advance the story.

[Kim]

I'm sorry but the first sentence makes absolutely no sense. I'm sure you're talking about neurotransmitter levels/receptor density and sensitivity, etc, especially in regards to mental illness (schizophrenia, judging by chapter one). Putting electrons in there just doesn't work. What would it mean to have unbalanced electrons that have 'lost their village boss'? Is this guy radioactive? Is he undergoing nuclear fission in his head?

"There was nothing to distinguish it from any other day in my boring existence; until evening fell."

No semicolon here.

Have you read The Center Cannot Hold by Elyn Saks? That's an excellent memoir detailing the author's experience with schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder.

The section Ray selected is a much better beginning, IMO. It reads much more like the interior of someone in the grip of a schizophrenic break. The beginning has too much information the author wants us to get, rather than just showing us the world through the character's eyes.

[Kelley]

The prologue was difficult for me to get through. It was a bit too much of a lecture for me. I liked the chapter better. I liked the voice, and I felt a sense of something building. However, nothing happened. I may have read on, but probably not to the end of the chapter where Ray's opening occurs. Could you put the lines from Ray's opening in your prologue?

[glj]

I wouldn't turn the page. Neither caught my interest.

The author lecturing about the brain seemed a bit stilted. It didn't work. And it was too long.

The voice didn't work for me. It was both too clinical and too chummy in turns. Plus, the protagonist seems to be analyzing his mental illness very lucidly, as if he saw and understood all of the events, knew that he was letting hygiene go. For me, it would sound more authentic if it were phrased as his co-workers later telling him how bad he had been.

I'm not a doctor, but cutting your arm lengthwise is not the best way to do it. Cutting across the wrist means you will cut the artery. Cutting lengthwise may produce just a big wound.

Ray's suggestion is better. Or, you could start with the event that causes him to try to commit suicide. Did he get fired because he has become so offensive?

[Kelley]

And I agree with Kim about the electrons. Since an electron is part of an atom, it doesn't make sense to mention them without mentioning other parts. Do molecules make up chemicals? I'm trying to remember my high school chemistry. If they do, should molecules be mentioned?

How about something like this?
"The mind is in a precarious balance of matter and chemicals."

[Darcy]

I voted not to turn either, but I do get hints that you have something to say that I would probably like to read.

I'd like Ray's opening suggestion if it stopped short of the slicing. Perhaps the character could have written the letter and be poised to do the deed. Please hold off for at least a page on the actual bloodletting. Nothing will get me to put the book down faster than seeing that in paragraph one!

[Heather]

I said no. I did get through the whole thing because the writing was pretty clear and I did like the voice (but I go for the clinical, chummy thing).

I didn't notice the electron thing that everyone is pointing out, which either means that much smarter people are reading this or that I wasn't paying any attention at all to the brain/village comparison. Neither the prologue nor the 1st chapter page interested me. The prologue felt like I was reading a medical article written for the layman.

The first chapter page goes to great lengths to establish just how boring it is.

"There was nothing to distinguish it from any other day in my boring existence..."

"Nothing out of the ordinary crossed my mind. Life was still dull, repetitive, and a complete lack of interest encompassed me."

"As I sat on the couch, first can already half empty, staring aimlessly at the television..."

I understand that you're trying to show us how uneventful and ordinary things were right before we have this inexplicably horrible thing suddenly happen. But with the protag bored and the narrative reinforcing the boredom, I just couldn't help but be really, really bored, too. It's great to be able to instill an emotion in a reader... just probably not *that* one.

With all that boredom to wade through, I'm probably never going to make it to the hook part. After I care about the character and his plight, then I might be more interested in his thoughts on the brain, villages, and showers.

I agree with others who said you should start with either the suicide attempt or the event (if any) that prompts it. But save the introspection and theorizing for later in the story after the character's problem has been established. Both pieces make me feel like I'm standing there with a healthy, recovered guy, looking back over his ordeal and telling me what happened when I'd rather be experiencing it alongside while it's happening. Does that make sense?

[Greg]

Lil, I didn’t turn the pages either, for the same reasons everyone else has stated. However, I agree with Darcy; I don’t care for the idea of starting with the suicide. It’s formulaic. I’d start just a little earlier - maybe with the suicide note. Show us the madness in the character’s head, build the suspense. Will he or won’t he? Then get to the slicing and dicing on page two.

[Liz P]

I didn't turn the page either.

I felt rather bored and uninterested. The brain thing and the bits about a normal life bothered me, simply because my life is normal. Why do I want to read about this person's normal life?

however, Ray's suggestion worked much better. Here's someone who is tired of life, and then something happens to change things...I'd assume. :)

[John K]

I can't recall ever reading something as enticing (last paragraph) that followed such a bland opening. You really have to start with it, imo; and rework from there.