Flogometer for Justin—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character

 

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Justin’s opening page of LARP: The Battle for Verona

Sir Den-gar stood at the top of the ravine surveying the landscape that he had viewed on so many previous mornings. The bright sun shone upon the green meadow and captured the droplets of dew that shimmered in the warm, brilliant, morning sun, as if silver had rained down during the night.

Off in the distance, the waking sounds of the Kingdom of Verona brought a smile to Sir Den-gar’s face. He could hear goats, dogs and horses, people buying, selling and trading. The shouts of “Chickens, two for a pound” made him think of the days when chicken was all he could afford to eat.

The sun shone down on Den-gar causing his armor to sparkle like a million perfect diamonds. Surely, the luminescence of his armor was the result of the King’s blessing he had received at the previous night’s feast.

Again, Den-gar’s gaze swept over the hills and valleys that spread out before him. How often as a child his loving grandfather would lovingly chase him of those very pastures. After their play, Den-gar’s grandfather, the legendary knight Sir Samuel the Wise, would regale young Den-gar with tales of his noble conquests.

Verona was part of Den-gar’s fiber, part of his being. He took great pride in his magnificent Kingdom, and it was his honor to protect it. He would kill, or die, for Verona. It was as simple as that.

 

For me, not compelling

To this reader, the narrative doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. A guy is just looking and thinking. The prose seems to be meandering, taking its time, and a touch overwritten, too. As it turns out, the scene is a bit of misdirection, too. On page 4 the cell phone in his “breeches” rings and he comes out of a daydream. For my money, start the daydream at the height of what action there is—he draws his sword to attack trespassers—and get that phone to ringing on the first page. Notes:

Sir Den-gar stood at the top of the ravine, surveying the landscape that he had viewed on so many previous mornings. The bright sun shone upon the green meadow and captured the dDroplets of dew that shimmered in the warm, brilliant, morning sun as if silver had rained down during the night. Trimmed, this is pretty good scene-setting, although it lacks tension. It wouldn’t take much to add some if he were, for example, scouting for rumored invaders instead of just surveying.

Off in the distance, the waking sounds of the Kingdom of Verona brought a smile to Sir Den-gar’s face. He could hear goats, dogs and horses, people buying, selling and trading. The shouts of “Chickens, two for a pound” made him think of the days when chicken was all he could afford to eat.

The sun shone down on Den-gar causing caused his armor to sparkle like a million perfect diamonds. Surely, the luminescence of his armor was the result of the King’s blessing he had received at the previous night’s feast the night before.

Again, Den-gar’s gaze swept over the hills and valleys that spread out before him. How often as a child his loving grandfather would lovingly chase him of those very pastures. After their play, Den-gar’s grandfather, the legendary knight Sir Samuel the Wise, would regale young Den-gar with tales of his noble conquests. Here we meander into backstory with overwrought prose. When will this thing get started?

Verona was part of Den-gar’s fiber, part of his being. He took great pride in his magnificent Kingdom, and it was his honor to protect it. He would kill, or die, for Verona. It was as simple as that. Now you’re telling me stuff. Show me this. Make something happen.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

 

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Darcy]

A little overwritten in places, but some very nice images. However, I needed more story or tension to turn. That said, some tweaking and I'd be happy to read more of your story.

[tamara]

I stumbled over the repetition of the "loving" grandfather who "lovingly" chased him.

[Kim]

Dump this beginning. Seriously. Ax every word of it and don't look back--the rest of your story might be fantastic, but no agent or editor is going to get past this to find out.

Start with the swords and the cellphone, as Ray suggests. Action and the unexpected beat dewdrops anyday.

[Heather]

I said yes because I'm an SCAer.

That said... I'm a very small audience.

Sir Den-gar stood at the top of the ravine[,] surveying the landscape that he had viewed on so many previous mornings. [maybe, "as he had on so many previous mornings] The bright sun shone upon the green meadow and captured the droplets of dew that shimmered in the warm, brilliant, morning sun, as if silver had rained down during the night. [There's repetition of the sun's involvement in the scene and something awkward about the shimmering dewdrops. Try: The bright sun shown upon the green meadow and the droplets of dew shimmered, as if silver had rained down during the night.]

Off in the distance, [how far away is it if he can hear actual words being shouted?] the waking sounds of the Kingdom of Verona brought a smile to Sir Den-gar’s face. [Personal pickiness: "brought a smile to" makes me think of someone presenting a smile on a platter. Finally, I think you should find a better place to name this as the Kingdom of Verona. The kingdom is not just this town, is it? This is the capital of Verona?] He could hear goats, dogs and horses, people buying, selling and trading. [telling? Maybe: Dogs barked, horses neighed, and townsfolk haggled over wares in the market.] The shouts of “Chickens, two for a pound” made him think of the days when chicken was all he could afford to eat.

The sun shone down on [this is the second time the sun "shone" on something] Den-gar causing his armor to sparkle like a million perfect diamonds. [and "causing" sounds weak. Maybe: Dengar's armor sparkled under the sun like a million perfect diamonds?] Surely, the luminescence of his armor was the result of the King’s blessing he had received at the previous night’s feast.

Again, Den-gar’s gaze swept over the hills and valleys that spread out before him. How often as a child his loving grandfather would lovingly chase him of those very pastures. [Something seems to be missing after "chase him" or that's a typo of "off" and How implies a question, but there's no question mark.] After their play, Den-gar’s grandfather, the legendary knight Sir Samuel the Wise, would regale young Den-gar with tales of his noble conquests. [You've got description of pasture, description of town, description of armor, more description of pasture, fiber. I would cut the first sentence and move this paragraph above the previous one (about his armor) and then move both above the paragraph about the waking sounds, so that you have pasture, armor, town, fiber.]

Verona was part of Den-gar’s fiber, part of his being. He took great pride in his magnificent Kingdom, and it was his honor to protect it. He would kill, or die, for Verona. It was as simple as that.

So... there's been suggestions that this start with the drawing of a sword and then get interrupted by the cell phone, but I have a question about that. One of the big critiques in the past has been not to start off with a dream because it cheats the reader... does this follow in that vein, even if it's just a daydream? Or does it matter how long the dream goes on?

[glj]

I would not read further. Nice imagery, but it doesn't feel like it is going anywhere. Watching a character looking out over the landscape is, well, pretty boring. Does he need to do this now? Can I come back when he's done?

Regarding day-dreaming, I would try to avoid it. As is stated above, the reader may feel mislead and, well, why do you need to do that? I get no sense of where this is going, other than the hint dropped by Ray, but if it is some role-playing game, listening in on a character's day-dreaming is not very gripping. Some conflict or hint of conflict would be nice.

[Bree]

We were talking about opening chapters last night at my writer's workshop. One classic rule-of-thumb is to never have your main character alone at the beginning--or if s/he is alone, get someone else in the scene ASAP. A ringing cellphone would count as a "someone else", so bring that in sooner. It sounds like a nice twist.

[Tony DiMeo]

I like how you tried to capture the sights and sounds of the market; the dogs and chickens, etc. It's not a bad idea, but make me feel like I'm there, don't itemize the scenery like a grocery list.

I think there was a lack of tension throughout. Nothing pulling me forward, making me want to read on.

I wouldn't start with a daydream scene. It's cliche and difficult to make seem fresh. But that's my opinion. Don't know if I agree entirely with Kim. I wouldn't axe the whole thing. Some of it is useful if used differently.

Top of my head, maybe start with something like this:

Dengar would kill, or die, for Verona. His fingers curled around the handle of his sword as his gaze swept over the hills and valleys that spread out before him.
The tales grandfather told of his nobel conquests throughout this land echoed in his mind. His grip tighthened.
He stood at the top of the ravine, surveying the landscape. Droplets of dew shimmered in the warm, brilliant, morning sun as if silver had rained down during the night.
Screams rose from the valley below. The tresspassers would regret disturbing this peaceful Kingdom. Sir Den-gar unsheathed the blade. A chirping sound from his breeches drew his eye away. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a ringing cell phone.

>> Not Shakespeare, just a suggestion as to which direction to take the opening of this story.

Ray is right. Compel me.