Flogometer for John—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character
  

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John’s opening page of The Crooked Bridge

Sidney Bidwell never looked up from his very important text message to see the box truck slow to a halt. He failed to realize the slight curve of the Tappan Zee Bridge, as it rolls across the mighty Hudson, wasn't really that slight. He knew -- hell, we all know -- weaving between lanes doesn't save much time, but how else would you drive a Porsche with a boxer engine? Sidney Bidwell was a busy guy. He never felt a thing, which (had it made the news report) would have led some who knew him to say it just proves life isn't fair. The delay on the bridge that morning was brutal.

Dazed and disoriented, Sidney stumbled through the dense, dank fog. He heard whistling, and moved toward the flat melody. The mist drifted, ever so slowly; it seemed to thin out in front of him. The clearing revealed a short, stout man.

“Hello, Sidney.” The little man smiled. “I’m glad you could make it, Sid.”

“Where am I?” Sidney asked, politely. “How do you know my name?”

“You died, Sidney…a few minutes ago.”

Sidney recoiled, horror melded with disbelief.

“I’m not dead”, Sidney shouted. “How could I be dead? Who the hell are you?”

“Calm down, Sidney. I'm dead; you're dead…what's the difference? You died on the bridge. I’m Patrick, and I’m the only friend you’ve got”. Patrick pulled a shiny silver clipboard from under his arm, and read aloud. “Sidney Bidwell, 45; divorced, two kids.”

I turned the page

The story questions raised by this afterlife kind of scenario were enough to provoke my curiosity enough to want to read more, and this is definitely an inciting incident. Still, there were issues with the narrative here, and later. Notes:

Sidney Bidwell never looked up from his very important text message to see the box truck slow to a halt. He failed to realize the slight curve of the Tappan Zee Bridge, as it rolls across the mighty Hudson, wasn't really that slight. He knew -- hell, we all know -- weaving between lanes doesn't save much time, but how else would you drive a Porsche with a boxer engine? Sidney Bidwell was a busy guy. He never felt a thing, which (had it made the news report) would have led some who knew him to say it just proves life isn't fair. The delay on the bridge that morning was brutal. (Not only does the part I cut slow things down, it creates confusion. He’s reading a text message, but he’s also weaving in and out of traffic while he’s doing that? I don’t know if I want to read about a character that stupid—it just doesn’t make sense that anyone would weave in and out of traffic while simultaneously reading their phone. The details—the Porche, the Tappan Zee bridge—were nice, but not terribly necessary.)

Dazed and disoriented, Sidney stumbled through the dense, dank fog. He heard whistling and moved toward the flat melody. The mist drifted, ever so slowly; it seemed to thinned out in front of him. The clearing revealed a short, stout man. (The first piece I cut was “telling.” This is a time to show. And why would the mist “seem” to thin? It either thinned or it didn’t.)

“Hello, Sidney.” The little man smiled. “I’m glad you could make it, Sid.”

“Where am I?” Sidney asked, politely. “How do you know my name?” (Not only is the adverb not especially helpful, it’s contradictory—it turns out that Sidney is a double-barreled jerk, and he wouldn’t have asked politely.)

“You died, Sidney…a few minutes ago.”

Sidney recoiled, horror melded with disbelief. (More telling [horror mixed with disbelief]. Show us. For example: Sidney flinched back a step, and a scream tried to rise in his throat. That couldn’t be true. Not possible. Using description and internal monologue, you can get closer to the character’s experience than you can with telling.)

“I’m not dead”, Sidney shouted. “How could I be dead? Who the hell are you?”

“Calm down, Sidney. I'm dead; you're dead…what's the difference? You died on the bridge. I’m Patrick, and I’m the only friend you’ve got”. Patrick pulled a shiny silver clipboard from under his arm, and read aloud. “Sidney Bidwell, 45; divorced, two kids.”

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[glj]

I voted no. Maybe because it seemed rather standard and expected for such a story. Plus I didn't feel it.

I had to re-read the first sentence to understand that Sidney was driving and the box truck was coming toward him. Adding "oncoming box truck" might help.

The part about the curve didn't seem clear. I had to stop and re-read and figure out that either Sidney or the truck had drifted out of the lane (not clear who?). Then you say Sidney is weaving impatiently. So what caused the accident?

“I’m not dead”, Sidney shouted.
You did this more than once, putting the punctuation AFTER the quotation marks. This looks sloppy in your first page. Plus, if he shouted, an exclamation mark may be more appropriate.

You used semicolons improperly in the last paragraph. A comma would have been more appropriate.

Overall, this brief chunk of text had really no showing and felt like all telling. For example, you have "He heard whistling". Telling the reader what the protagonist saw and heard puts distance between the reader and the story. We are then watching the protagonist do things, and the reader is not experiencing events throught he protagonist. For example: "A whistle came through the fog." There really is no need to tell us he heard it. If he didn't hear it, it wouldn't be included.

[Deb]

Exactly what GLJ said.

[Heather]

I said no. I had to read the first paragraph several times, and I still wasn't clear that we'd had a wreck until Patrick declared Sidney dead.

Others have already addressed the telling vs. showing, so I won't harp on that.

Even though I understood what was happening in the last several paragraphs, it didn't entice me to turn the page. Mostly, I think because I didn't have any interest in either character. Sidney is wealthy and irresponsible, and Patrick is just a little man with a clipboard. (I have a short attention span.)

In addition to that, the whole "rich guy dies and, much to his disbelief, is greeted by Heaven's bureaucrat (who I suspect will tell him that he has to redeem himself before he gets into heaven)" thing has been done. Show me a spin that hasn't in this scenario (or hint more strongly at one if you've already got it) and you might pull me in. If you remove the confusing portion as Ray suggested, then you should have more room to work with.

[Lexi Revellian]

I liked this. I agree with Ray's notes, but the story and characters hold enough promise to make me want to turn the page.

I particularly liked, 'He never felt a thing, which (had it made the news report) would have led some who knew him to say it just proves life isn't fair.' The writer who wrote that probably has something to say I want to hear.

[Liz P]

Yes and no for me.

I was slightly intrigued by the afterlife scenario, but only barely. That first paragraph really didn't connect me to the character, since it's very distant....almost omniscient to be honest.

(one of the few viewpoints I can't stand, so...may just be me)

[Kim]

"He never felt a thing, which (had it made the news report) would have led some who knew him to say it just proves life isn't fair. The delay on the bridge that morning was brutal."

I liked the petty nastiness of this. That's what made me vote yes--I like the voice here.

The afterlife bit, however, is not pulling me in. Fog and confusion is just so common--could you dig deep and come up with something different here? I'd give it a page or two more at this point, but if it didn't take a substantial turn for the unusual, I'd put it down.

[John K]

Thank you all for your feedback. It's pretty cool to see something I've written on a forum like this.
When I first started reading FTQ, it became apparent I needed to pull some conflict forward. I especially wanted to end page one with a specific line-which didn't make the cut anyway. I squeezed it into page one, Ray used the first 16-17 lines as a real page one might appear.
Funny that if I now follow Ray's advice (trim), the line might make it. Here's the text that was cut:

Sidney could hardly breathe; the air seemed too thin.
“Where am I?” his voice cracked.
Patrick leaned toward him, and raised his brow.
“Where do you think you are, Sidney?”
“Am I in heaven?” Sidney asked hopefully. Patrick burst out laughing.
“Heaven? That’s rich! A foggy day and another prick thinks he’s in heaven.”

Some commented that the story seems familiar, and it is-to a point. The missing text (IMO) busts the cliche (foggy, misty heaven) and sets a tone for the story. There are other twists that follow...for example the text he's reading at the time of the crash is from his assistant/whipping boy. He's marrying Sidney's ex-wife...self-absorbed Sidney didn't realize they were dating. Other surprises make him wonder if his whole life was pre-ordained, but if I can't get readers to stay with it...it doesn't matter.

The other challenge is that I start with characters that are hard to root for, and tough to get readers like Heather to stick around. (Heather, good call on the redemption, again IMO different than others).
GLJ, you're right on the grammar items, and perhaps the line about what caused the accident. I meant to imply that in general, he drives like a nut. I see what you mean, it's not totally clear. As far as the 'oncoming truck' comment, I'm assuming perhaps that most people know the bridge has traffic seperated by barriers, and it wouldn't be oncoming.
This has been a lot of fun, thanks to all who took the time to post comments.

[Deb]

John,

None of the bridges where I live have seperated traffic. Maybe for us that live in the country and don't think about traffic being seperated on bridges you could make that clearer.

I like a lot of your explanations. But the problem is you had to explain, so possibly you can get this across in your story somehow you would see a huge improvement in the MS

Good luck, I am intrigued now.

[Heather]

I'm also more intrigued now that I know this isn't a "dead guy goes to Heaven" scenario. If that line indicating otherwise had been on the first page, my vote (given that you fixed the confusion in the front part) probably would have been a yes.

It's not so much that I have to like the characters as people to be interested in what's happening to them. And now that several people have pointed out the "He never felt a thing..." line, I can see that there's a little more depth there. I think my problem was that I was still so confused about the traffic situation that I missed it altogether.

I still think Patrick (only if he's going to be important to the story) could be punched up a little. I'd like something more unusual to hold onto in my mental image than just "Short, stout man," like a pipe or a fedora or something strange. And maybe make him a little less innocuous when Sidney meets him. He smiles and greets him, which conjured the assumption of a typical setup, but I think I might have been more interested if there was just a dash of something being slightly off about him to differentiate him from the normal "angel bureaucrat."

[John K]

Deb and Heather,

I am encouraged by your intrigue! But Deb is right, if I have to explain...Lexi and Kim, thanks for the nice feedback.

Patrick is somewhat a major character(only appears in 2 chapters), later in chapter one his outfit is described...and only because Sidney is now wearing the same thing.
you raise another issue...I deliberately do not physically describe Sidney , as I want him to look however the reader imagines him...and since I don't describe Sidney at all, I didn't want to over-describe other characters. Mys betas felt it worked.
Thanks again!