Flogometer for Ray—would you turn the page?

Update: at the end of this update I'm providing a link to the rest of the chapter for those who wanted to turn the page. Those who said no can, if they wish, see what they missed.

The feedback has been interesting, and it's fascinating to see what readers pick on, often things that a first page would have trouble addressing. For example, some wondered why a vampire would worry about dying, or why a vampire kitty would be worried about a coyote. The answer to the first lies in the "world" of this story, where the mythical vampire "rules" that everyone "knows" don't apply. As to why he would worry, it seemed to me that ending up as an undigested undead lump in a coyote's stomach is a pretty clear cause for concern, and worth worrying about--if it's not for you, that's okay, but a story has to follow its internal logic.

For the rest of the chapter, go here.  Comments welcome. If you're fresh to this post, please read the opening below and give your input. Thanks.

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I’m going to butt into the line and ask you to flog the first chapter of my WIP. In the process, I’m going to change the submission request for other writers—please include your titles with the opening prologue/chapter.

It occurs to me that just about any potential reader for your manuscript or book will see the title, and that can help the reader with expectations. So this submission includes the title. In my case, this is a sequel, as you’ll see. If you have a submission in the queue, please email me a title to use.

Regarding comments: I hope you’ll take the time to leave one, especially if you elected to not turn the page. What will be most helpful to me (and all writers who submit here) is not the textual nitpicking that sometimes happens here (not that that’s not helpful as well), but the instant emotional response, the “why not” that you feel after the first quick read, just as you would have with a book in a bookstore. Thanks.

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Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character
  

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Title: The Hollywood Unmurders (The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles):

The opening page:

I knew that if the coyote ate me he would end up with a terminal case of indigestion, which is what you deserve if you chew on a vampire kitty-cat chock full of the vampire virus, but by then I wouldn’t be in any condition to say gotcha. Although being undead wasn’t much of a life, I preferred holding on to what little I had.

If it had been a dog instead of a coyote, I wouldn’t have worried—who worries about a creature that has devoted eons of evolution to mastering the arts of tail-wagging and drooling? But this guy was from a long line of finely tuned hunter-killers. And the word around Los Angeles was that coyotes had never met a cat they didn’t like.

Crouched behind a scrub oak underneath the H in the HOLLYWOOD sign, I hadn’t heard any movement from the direction of the O where I’d spotted him—and he’d caught sight of me. The scrub oak, barely three feet tall and about that wide, was more bush than tree, and no barrier to a determined coyote. The full moon I’d been enjoying now felt like a spotlight. I slunk low and peered beneath a branch. He wasn’t beneath the O anymore.

Uh-oh.

What would being chewed up do to my undead self? How much could he swallow before the virus turned him into a vampire coyote? Would I be an indigestible lump in his belly, giving “hairball” a whole new meaning? Creepy. Not to mention disgusting.

Thanks, guys.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[tamara]

Ray, great opening with a clear scene and imminent danger! Kudos to you for sticking to your own rules.

The first 3 paragraphs are all similar size, and I wonder if a few shorter ones might make the passage feel more urgent.

[tmso]

I would not have turned the page. The writing is clear, I was not confused nor did I get bogged down with the phrasing. But I wouldn't have read on simply because the tone is too "cute". Just not my thing.

[Kelley]

I voted no because everything is spelled out so perfectly. There is nothing there to catch my interest or start my curiosity. It's almost like the story questions are already answered. Does that make sense? I'm having a hard time explaining it.

Maybe instead of the protag telling us exactly what he is (a vampire kitty cat), he should be a little more vague, giving us a hint, just enough to make us curious. Like, "If the coyote knew I could drain his entire body of blood in 30 seconds..." (But, I did not read the first book so I'm not sure if it fits the story.

[Douglas]

A followup note:

I generally agree with some of the more technical comments above but you want the emotion/feel of the piece.

The unknown aspect of the kitty still disconcerts. Is a world class predator really worried about becoming digested goo at the paws of a coyote or is the kitty a tease?

If the former, the tension needs to be shortened and heightened so we feel the threat (not indirectly about what kitties in LA know). If the latter, maybe the cute/casual tone works better but it must be clear (at least by the end of the scene) the kitty realizes there is no threat, only a game.

Perhaps the basic premise is at issue here. As another reader pointed out, would a vampire kitty be worried about a coyote and if so, why?

[Gumption Brash]

Well, I voted to turn.

The turn of phrase, the saracastic look on being undead, the tension...all promises an entertaining read.

The first line, imo, was a bit long for a first line. Almost run-on. But no biggie.

I do have a perspective that some of the other commentators lack it seems - I've read the first Vampire Kitty-Kat Chronicles when you had it up on Authonomy. Not at all concerned by the premise and I think you balance a number of elements required of a sequel very well.

[Greg]

Ray, honestly I don’t feel anywhere near qualified to critique other people’s work, but I applaud your gumption for writing about kitty-cat vampires. Personally, I prefer my vampires curvaceous, and attired in tight black leather. But, were I a cat-lover (which I am not) and more flexible in my appreciation of vampiric stylings, yeah, I’d be tempted to turn the page.

[Chris]

Treating this snippet of your novel soley on its own, I'd say that there's a lot to like here: I love the premise, the setting is clear, the writing is smooth and it's an effortless read.

But for me, it just misses for some reason.

Part of it might be my whole fed-up-to-here-edness with the vampire genre itself. But this piece clearly offers enough of a fun twist that it may be something else. I think I hesitated because of two things -- one minor, one hinting at larger problems -- both of which have already been mentioned above:

-- The opening line was a clunker for me. Basically, much too much at one swallow, especially the first taste from the book. I would have simply cut it off at "...if you chew on a vampire kitty-cat." It would have had much more impact that way, I think.

-- But the bigger issue for me is that the scene raises "plausibility" questions in my mind as I read it. Not about whether a kitty-cat vampire could exist -- I'll gladly go along with that because it promises a fun ride. Instead, the hesitancy is more along the lines of, "Sorry, but I'm not buying that a vampire kitty-cat is afraid of being eaten? Shouldn't he now be the predator?" This makes it seem like there's not a strong handle on the mechanics of the conventions of the vampire genre. Most readers are familiar enough with them that we assume that a vampire shouldn't be threatened by a lowly coyote, so it simply causes any real threat of the coyote to fizzle out. We expect that the vampire -- even a kitty-cat vampire -- will easily deal with the coyote. So no real threat = no real tension.

Or, if your intent is to shake things up and give us a world where the undead-and-unkillable vampire actually SHOULD be afraid of being killed and eaten, then you need to establish and at least a hint that you're clearly doing that with purpose. Something along the lines of having our protag think, "In the movies, the vampires are indestrutible, but I'd already had the misfortune of discovering that wasn't true. Having lost the tip of my tail to a crazed raccoon two nights ago, I didn't want to lose any more of me to this ugly scavanger."

But as I said, there is a lot to like here. It's very well written, and with a little tweaking, my "almost" would definitely shift over to a "YES."

[Deb]

Most kitty's have a I don't care who or what you think you are, I will kill you if necessary attitude. And I would think it especially true of a vampire kitty. This cat seems more like Garfield, except it likes to get eaten rather than do the eating.

I had a cat that was chased up a telephone pole by a German Sheppard that had already torn a hole in my large dog. The cat stayed for five minutes, got super fired up, came down, and chased the German Sheppard all around the neighborhood. The once ferocious dog was terrified of her.

And if this vampire cat really thought it might get eaten then its first thought would be for its on welfare not what would happen to the coyote.

Even though there is no such thing as vampire kitties, there needs to be some level of believability, and that is why I voted no.

[Ray Rhamey]

On vampire conventions--yes, a writer has to be aware of them. But Twilight has completely changed the can't-go-out-in-sunlight convention, right? My character is clearly concerned about being chewed up and swallowed, so he clearly knows that he's not invulnerable in the ways classic vampires are not--this is called "showing." If a reader stops because they can't believe a vampire can be endangered (a story question), then this story is just not for them. If every piece of vampire/werewolf/zombie fiction followed all the conventions, and if readers were not willing to entertain variations, then there would not have been the huge wave of paranormal fiction that has sold millions of books. If the first page story and action are not provocative enough, that's fair. Just stop reading. But to say you can't read on because it doesn't seem like you're following the conventions doesn't hold water for me.

[Jami Gold]

Ray,

As I have read the original book, I do understand and appreciate the conventions you're using and breaking. But like any follow-up book in a series, you need to tread a fine line between re-establishing certain world-building concepts for new readers and doing a boring retread of information for returning readers.

Given that goal, I think Chris makes a valid point of including a sentence to establish that 'yes, you're doing this on purpose' wouldn't hurt. Even just the first sentence that Chris suggested would accomplish that, I think: "In the movies, the vampires are indestructible, but I'd already had the misfortune of discovering that wasn't true."

Hope that helps!