Flogometer for Kelley—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character
  

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Kelley’s opening page:

Starting over. That was the whole point of this, right? Then why do I feel such a strong sensation pulling me backward, back to my empty house in the only city I’ve ever called home? With each mile of pavement under the tires, the sensation grows inside me like the mountains rising on the horizon. What used to be a slight nag has now become full-blown anxiety and alarm so intense I’m starting to feel nauseous.

My mind seemed at ease for most of the drive, and I clearly remember feeling a shred of optimism as I watched the Chicago skyline fade in my rear-view mirror a few days ago. I couldn’t have imagined the only positive emotion I’ve had in such a long time. Why the apprehension now? I hoped that putting physical distance between myself and my old life would free me from at least a portion of my torment, from some of the weight pressing down on me every day. I know better than to think I can live happily again, but is just a tiny bit of relief too much to ask?

I can blame some of my unease on this unfamiliar land, now more unfamiliar with the arrival of the vast mountains fading into the horizon and getting closer, fast. The open air, the flat ground surrounding me, and the ceaseless, oppressive sky make little effort to provide any cover from my past. They specialize in full, honest exposure with no apologies. I am a lightning rod out here. I cannot hide. There is nowhere to blend in, and it is going to take some strength to get (snip)

Despite virtues, no turn for me

I like the voice, and the writing is refreshingly clean and solid. That this character is troubled is clear, but not by what. Fundamentally, nothing much happens in this opening. It’s backstory and scene-setting and a reference to unhappy times. She’s driving, and she feels bad. The rest of the chapter is similar in nature—she stops for gas, nearly passes out, and is helped by a local. Then she arrives at her destination, a Montana town, and goes to the house she has bought or rented. That’s it.

Nary an inciting incident appeared, no event or incident that impacted her life and forced her to react, to take action. Thus, for this reader, no story and no tension. Your writing is good, Kelley, and you should be encouraged. But look for the point in your story when something happens to this person that blocks or takes away something she needs badly, and she is compelled to react, to take action to get what she must have (and that will be frustrated). A few notes:

Starting over. That was the whole point of this, right? Then why do I feel such a strong sensation pulling me backward, back to my empty house in the only city I’ve ever called home? With each mile of pavement under the tires, the sensation grows inside me like the mountains rising on the horizon. What used to be a slight nag has now become full-blown anxiety and alarm so intense I’m starting to feel nauseous. (I’m not a fan of the “started to” construction, nor of using the word “feel.” Can you come closer to show us her feeling? Thoughtstarter: … anxiety and alarm so intense that nausea curdles in my stomach. Continuity point: it seems to say that she has an empty house in Chicago, yet she goes to a new house in Montana. Does she own both, or has she actually sold the Chicago house?)

My mind seemed at ease for most of the drive, and I clearly remember feeling a shred of optimism as I watched the Chicago skyline fade in my rear-view mirror a few days ago. I couldn’t have imagined the only positive emotion I’ve had in such a long time. Why the apprehension now? I hoped that putting physical distance between myself and my old life would free me from at least a portion of my torment, from some of the weight pressing down on me every day. I know better than to think I can live happily again, but is just a tiny bit of relief too much to ask? (If we had any idea of what her torment was, or an aspect of the old life that caused it, this could be more effective. As it is, she’s referring to things that she knows but the reader, having no idea what they are, ends up with not much meaning. I’m not saying to slip into backstory—never!—but, for example, if she has left a broken marriage behind, or there was a death, or a murder, or something solid the reader can latch on to. But this is all vague and unknowable.)

I can blame some of my unease on this unfamiliar land, now more unfamiliar with the arrival of the vast mountains fading into the horizon and getting closer, fast. The open air, the flat ground surrounding me, and the ceaseless, oppressive sky make little effort to provide any cover from my past. They specialize in full, honest exposure with no apologies. I am a lightning rod out here. I cannot hide. There is nowhere to blend in, and it is going to take some strength to get (snip) (She refers to her past, but what is there about it that’s so traumatic? As in my notes above, this narrative, while nicely written, doesn’t engage us in something happening to this character, in my view. If she’s trying to escape, and that’s her current desire, then maybe the story starts when something happens that could prevent that.)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kelley]

I know you've all mentioned it's all too vague to care enough to turn the page. Would it help to have some more solid hints? If you new her baby died and her husband left her a week after the funeral, would you want to turn the page?

I'm afraid you wouldn't. Because it is too darn depressing. You'd think that's what the story is about, and it's not at all. It is more about her moving on and getting mixed up in a world she never knew existed, where her past is healed by her future.

And this is why I keep thinking prologue. Because I wrote this story when I had no idea I wanted to write a story and started it in the wrong spot!!!!

[Greg]

Kelley, it doesn’t sound to me like you need a prologue. You’ve got plenty of interesting stuff going on and should be able to find a good starting place in there. If your hero’s adventure the day before is more relevant to the story (and more tension-filled) than the heroine’s road trip, start there, even if you’re intent on writing the story from the heroine’s POV.

The first volume of my trilogy is written entirely from the protagonist’s POV. In the second volume, there is no single protagonist to start with, just a bunch of suspects, and the POV shifts (by chapter, sometimes a couple times within a chapter). As the story unfolds, one character eventually comes forward and assumes the role of THE protagonist. As we approach that point, the POV shifts less and less, until we finally land on that protagonist, and we stay in her POV for the rest of the story.

Just something else to think about.

So far as starting with the baby’s death and the husband leaving... I dunno, I’d have to see how it played out. What about starting with the door slamming as the husband leaves? We don’t need to know “why” right away, but then you’ve got a heroine who is traumatized, alone, and wondering, “Okay, what do I do now?” That’s got tension, a sympathetic character, and raises all kinds story questions.

[Greg]

Oh, forgot. Hey, Deb, once you’ve written one, submit it for flogging. I’d like to see how it works out for you. Ray flogged one of mine last month. The results were, uh, interesting, to say the least. :)

[Deb]

Greg, I am way past that stage and working on edits, but next time I will give it a whirl. I love that idea.
Everyone have a great weekend. : )

[Doug]

Kelley, "I don't want to reveal what happened to her" is a slippery tightrope to walk. You're intentionally cheating us readers, and you'll need to do it in a way that we won't *feel* cheated.

Personally, I don't think that's even possible in first-person. We're inside the protagonist's head. We sense everything she senses. We feel everything she feels. And we know everything she thinks about. Unless she just doesn't think about what happened, or has amnesia or otherwise has repressed the memory, we should know about it.

On a different topic, this is some of the cleanest written English I've seen on here. Your English teachers must have taught you well.

[Greg]

Deb, lucky you. I can't do that. I have to have a bunch of projects going at the same time. Stuff to bounce back and forth between, or I get bored.

[Kelley]

Doug, thanks, that is a huge compliment. I've seen what you do to some of these submissions. :)

I was worried about the writing. My degree is in computer science and I work in IT. I thought I was crazy to attempt to write a novel with no training. The first draft was rough, and I've worked very hard to get it to where it is now. Your comment (and everyone's encouraging words) are very much appreciated. I am reeling, to be honest.

And I don't want to cheat the reader by not telling what's on the heroine's mind. It's just simply not relevant at this point. The heroine has made the decision to move on, physically and mentally, and she doesn't have the specifics of what happened in her mind any more. I guess it is a little repression, but it is her coping mechanism. All that the reader needs to know is that she's at her lowest point, struggling back to happiness.

I could write a new chapter 1, pushing chapter 1 to chapter 2. My POV changes with each chapter. Not nearly as complicated as what you described, Greg (I am NOT skilled enough to even attempt something like that), but each chapter alternates between the heroine and the hero. Chapter 1 is her, chapter 2 is him, chapter 3 is her, and so on. So, I could easily write a new chapter 1, from the hero's POV, as he wakes in the night to yet another assassin that he has to put out of his misery and then try to get back to sleep. The problem is it would only be about 3 pages long. I don't know what else could happen. I could do some brainstorming. Maybe I'll write it and submit it for another flogging and see what you all think. :)

But that being said, I'm sure anyone who reads chapter 2 as it is now will tell me to scrap chapter 1 completely and just start with chapter 2. Chapter 2 is where it gets interesting.

[Jami Gold]

Kelley,

I just went to a workshop last month where two author/editors critiqued a couple of first chapters. One that they railed on was a first chapter that opened with (their words) "a driving scene". When they went through how this type of scene plays out in various genres, it was obvious how these scenes don't work (hero riding on horseback to his burning family home, heroine in carriage on her way to new life, etc.) and that the author just needs to skip to the story. A driving scene is all essentially internal monologue and if that goes on for more than a page, it becomes (as one of the commenters here mentioned) hand-wringing.

The best way to do passages of internal monologue longer than 2 paragraphs or so is to somehow make it relevant with action interwoven with the thoughts (i.e. cleaning the house makes heroine think about cleaning her life). So either tighten this to no more than a page, or find a way to make it relevant with current action.

But I think your real answer might be to start somewhere else. Although, the thought occurred to me that a 2-4 paragraph of this might work as a prologue to set the stage if you wanted to introduce her and set some of the tone before jumping into the hero's more interesting beginning. Just a thought. :) Or possibly doing a prologue of a couple paragraphs from her POV and then a couple paragraphs from his POV (I've seen Kresley Cole do this).

[Kelley]

A prologue with two POVs? I'm not familiar with Kresley Cole. I'll check Amazon. Any specific books in mind where this was done? I'd like to see it.

[Jami Gold]

Sorry, I can't remember the details. She writes the Immortals After Dark series. As far as I know, every one of those stories opens with a quote from both the hero and heroine to give an introduction to their characters and personalities. And I thought at least one of them had the dual-POV prologue with the inciting incident (the character being turned into a vampire or Valkyrie or whatnot).