Flogometer for Kelley—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character
  

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Kelley’s opening page:

Starting over. That was the whole point of this, right? Then why do I feel such a strong sensation pulling me backward, back to my empty house in the only city I’ve ever called home? With each mile of pavement under the tires, the sensation grows inside me like the mountains rising on the horizon. What used to be a slight nag has now become full-blown anxiety and alarm so intense I’m starting to feel nauseous.

My mind seemed at ease for most of the drive, and I clearly remember feeling a shred of optimism as I watched the Chicago skyline fade in my rear-view mirror a few days ago. I couldn’t have imagined the only positive emotion I’ve had in such a long time. Why the apprehension now? I hoped that putting physical distance between myself and my old life would free me from at least a portion of my torment, from some of the weight pressing down on me every day. I know better than to think I can live happily again, but is just a tiny bit of relief too much to ask?

I can blame some of my unease on this unfamiliar land, now more unfamiliar with the arrival of the vast mountains fading into the horizon and getting closer, fast. The open air, the flat ground surrounding me, and the ceaseless, oppressive sky make little effort to provide any cover from my past. They specialize in full, honest exposure with no apologies. I am a lightning rod out here. I cannot hide. There is nowhere to blend in, and it is going to take some strength to get (snip)

Despite virtues, no turn for me

I like the voice, and the writing is refreshingly clean and solid. That this character is troubled is clear, but not by what. Fundamentally, nothing much happens in this opening. It’s backstory and scene-setting and a reference to unhappy times. She’s driving, and she feels bad. The rest of the chapter is similar in nature—she stops for gas, nearly passes out, and is helped by a local. Then she arrives at her destination, a Montana town, and goes to the house she has bought or rented. That’s it.

Nary an inciting incident appeared, no event or incident that impacted her life and forced her to react, to take action. Thus, for this reader, no story and no tension. Your writing is good, Kelley, and you should be encouraged. But look for the point in your story when something happens to this person that blocks or takes away something she needs badly, and she is compelled to react, to take action to get what she must have (and that will be frustrated). A few notes:

Starting over. That was the whole point of this, right? Then why do I feel such a strong sensation pulling me backward, back to my empty house in the only city I’ve ever called home? With each mile of pavement under the tires, the sensation grows inside me like the mountains rising on the horizon. What used to be a slight nag has now become full-blown anxiety and alarm so intense I’m starting to feel nauseous. (I’m not a fan of the “started to” construction, nor of using the word “feel.” Can you come closer to show us her feeling? Thoughtstarter: … anxiety and alarm so intense that nausea curdles in my stomach. Continuity point: it seems to say that she has an empty house in Chicago, yet she goes to a new house in Montana. Does she own both, or has she actually sold the Chicago house?)

My mind seemed at ease for most of the drive, and I clearly remember feeling a shred of optimism as I watched the Chicago skyline fade in my rear-view mirror a few days ago. I couldn’t have imagined the only positive emotion I’ve had in such a long time. Why the apprehension now? I hoped that putting physical distance between myself and my old life would free me from at least a portion of my torment, from some of the weight pressing down on me every day. I know better than to think I can live happily again, but is just a tiny bit of relief too much to ask? (If we had any idea of what her torment was, or an aspect of the old life that caused it, this could be more effective. As it is, she’s referring to things that she knows but the reader, having no idea what they are, ends up with not much meaning. I’m not saying to slip into backstory—never!—but, for example, if she has left a broken marriage behind, or there was a death, or a murder, or something solid the reader can latch on to. But this is all vague and unknowable.)

I can blame some of my unease on this unfamiliar land, now more unfamiliar with the arrival of the vast mountains fading into the horizon and getting closer, fast. The open air, the flat ground surrounding me, and the ceaseless, oppressive sky make little effort to provide any cover from my past. They specialize in full, honest exposure with no apologies. I am a lightning rod out here. I cannot hide. There is nowhere to blend in, and it is going to take some strength to get (snip) (She refers to her past, but what is there about it that’s so traumatic? As in my notes above, this narrative, while nicely written, doesn’t engage us in something happening to this character, in my view. If she’s trying to escape, and that’s her current desire, then maybe the story starts when something happens that could prevent that.)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred):

1. your title
2. your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[glj]

I wouldn't read on.

This page indicates to me that there might be many more pages of mental hand-wringing. I can't imagine any way in which you could make that interesting to me.

But what is the conflict? The problem itself might work if you show us why the protagonist is facing a change in life. It might be more compelling if you open with the conflict or problem that causes her to move?

[Bree]

Nothing is happening. So why would I turn to find out what happens next?

[Kelley]

This is so frustrating! :)
I can't reveal too much in this chapter because it all has to play out. The second chapter starts with tension that is followed by a somewhat big event then more tension. But I can't start with Chapter 2. What to do?

Take out some of her musings in Chapter 1 and have her break out in hives? Or, would a very compelling prologue help? Adding a prologue seems like a cheap way of doing it.

[Darcy]

I agree. I need a glimpse of what all this worry is built on to appreciate it. The character's stress doesn't equal story tension for me without some idea of the source. However, the writing was clear. I'd love to read a rewrite.

[glj]

Adding a prologue generally works where the scene is either a flashback to a point of conflict, or a flashforward to a portion of the climax (common more in murder mysteries, showing us the murderer coming up the attic step with ax in hand). A prologue that tells backstory will not be helpful.

Kelley, what are your plot points that provide the beginning conflict? Tell us, and maybe you can get advice as to how to reveal them right up front. Tick off the events that happen, in bullet point format.

[Deb]

Kelley,
Are you sure you can't start with chapter 2 and weave this in?

Or at least get us closer with pulling up to the Montana home and feeling sick there?

Your writing is nice, but it is just to vague to be exciting enough to turn the page. : )

[Greg]

Kelley, I feel your pain. Wish I knew what to tell you, but I have yet to figure it out myself.

That said, the scene clearly suggests some earlier tension (as Ray notes) – something happened to bring her to this decision. You don’t have to spill all the beans, but give us some small taste of that. Maybe go back to where she’s locking the front door and getting into the car to go, and use some internal dialogue to set the emotional scene. You don’t have to necessarily give us the “why” at that point, just make clear that there IS a why, and that we’ll be getting to it soon enough.

(NOTE TO SELF: Follow your own advice, idiot.)

One other thing troubled me; we know absolutely nothing about the character. From Ray’s critique, we know the character is a “her,” but not from just reading the first page (though I sort of assumed it). As I read, I could picture the highway and the mountains, but I had no mental image of the character. It’s kind of hard to get into the character (say, from a method actor standpoint) if you’re not sure they’re even human (if you get my drift).

I like the writing.

[Greg]

Kelley, here’s one other thought, since your dilemma is much the same as mine. It’s just a suggestion, take it or leave it.

Recently, during breaks in novel writing, I’ve taken to writing short stories – not necessarily for publication, just for practice. I find myself interested in the idea of the first chapter of a novel being constructed much like a short story – but with an open ending (which leads to the sequel in Chapter 2). It forces me to “get to the point” a lot sooner. But the stories I’m writing are related to the current novelistic efforts – they’re canonical. The short stories represent the backstory that’s not going to appear in the novels, at least not in full, and generally focus on character background.

So, what you might try is writing a short story that tells your character’s backstory – whatever business it is that leads to Chapter 1 – then think of the first chapter as a sequel to the short story.

Like I said, just a suggestion.

[Deb]

That sounds like a good idea, Greg. I am going to try that myself.

[Kelley]

These are awesome comments, everyone. So helpful. And I agree with all of you.

I don't want to reveal what happened to her early on because it's something that she and the hero bond about later in an emotional scene when it all comes out. I don't want to ruin it early on. Plus, it really doesn't matter to the story, it's just back story. I want the reader to know she's in turmoil and wonder what happened to make her want to move across the country. Other than that it doesn't matter until it comes up in that scene.

My thoughts have been wild all day about this, trying to come up with something when I'm having the most hectic day at work in a long time. :)

I keep thinking prologue, although I never wanted to do that. Not a prologue of back story. My best idea yet is a prologue that shows what happened to the hero the day before the heroine drives into town. To make it simple, the hero has people after him, all the time, and the day before the book starts someone comes in his house for him. He takes care of him, and then goes to bed like it's just in a day's work. This is very relevant to the story. Much more than the situation the heroine is fleeing from.

Is it good to open with violence, when this is essentially a love story (with a good amount of revenge thrown in)?

Would you turn the page after reading a prologue like that?

Greg, I knew you and I were in the same boat since your question, "Is voice enough?" :)