Friday Fun and Flogometer for Greg—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Greg’s opening lines from a short story:

Mike pulled a couple beers from the fridge and handed one to Brad. “Corona okay?”

“Bueno, amigo. Much grass.” Brad chugged. After the eleven-hour drive, he needed it. Then he nodded toward the dining room. “So, compadre, who else is coming to dinner?”

Mike choked on his beer. “Huh?”

“Four place settings at the table. You, Carol, me, and?”

Mike glanced around the corner. “Shit, it was supposed to be a surprise.”

“Uh huh. What was supposed to be a surprise?”

“Well, Carol and I ran into an old friend last month, and you know her.”

Brad’s left eyebrow went up. “Her? Her, who?”

Mike gave him an impish grin. “Diane.”

“Diane?” Brad thought for a minute. “Diane... Christopher? Eric’s sister?”

Mike smiled and nodded. “Ah, you do remember her.”

Brad’s knees wobbled. “Holy shit! Hell yes, I remember her. Wow. Diane. Damn, it’s been… what? Thirty-two years?”

“Now, aren’t you glad you forgot to bring your wife?”

“I didn’t forget to bring my wife, you moron, Paula had to work.”

“Whatever.”

Yes

Nice, clean, snappy writing; an immediate scene; a confident voice; and a what’s-gonna-happen story question did the job for me. It’s a little on the lean side for me, and I think it could use a little more in terms of action beats and internal monologue. There’s not much to pick at, but I will. However, I do think the tension and story questions could be increased. More on that after the notes.

Mike pulled a couple beers from the fridge and handed one to Brad. “Corona okay?”

“Bueno, amigo. Much grass.” Brad chugged. After the eleven-hour drive, he needed it. Then he nodded toward the dining room. “So, compadre, who else is coming to dinner?” (We learn later that he drove through a lot of heat with no air conditioning. A hint of that might be nice. For example, something like: After an eleven-hour drive in a four-wheeled oven, …etc. Just a thought.

Mike choked on his beer. “Huh?”

“Four place settings at the table. You, Carol, me, and?”

Mike glanced around the corner. “Shit, it was supposed to be a surprise.”

“Uh huh. What was supposed to be a surprise?”

“Well, Carol and I ran into an old friend last month, and you know her.”

Brad’s left eyebrow went up. “Her? Her, who?”

Mike gave him an impish grin. “Diane.”

“Diane?” Brad thought for a minute. “Diane... Christopher? Eric’s sister?” ("Thought for a minute" is, literally, probably not accurate -- it wouldn't take that long. And it's a cliched phrase. Look for something more original.)

Mike smiled and nodded. “Ah, you do remember her.”

Brad’s knees wobbled. “Holy shit! Hell yes, I remember her. Wow. Diane. Damn, it’s been… what? Thirty-two years?” (Forgive me for taking this literally, but I think knees wobbling, if you really think about it, seems like an over-reaction. Why not make it emotional, with internal monologue, rather than physical?)

“Now, aren’t you glad you forgot to bring your wife?”

“I didn’t forget to bring my wife, you moron, Paula had to work.”

“Whatever.”

Now for a couple of additions that I think could increase the tension. On the second page there’s this:

You dated her for a while, didn’t you?”

Now, I think it would be a great addition if you substituted that for “Ah, you do remember her.” That adds to the impending drama.

Secondly, we learn later that Brad isn’t all that happy in his second marriage. I think some internal monologue to hint at that could also increase the tension. For example, an addition something like this to an existing line on the first page:

“Now, aren’t you glad you forgot to bring your wife?”

As if he would have wanted to bring her. “I didn’t forget to bring my wife, you moron, Paula had to work.”

What do you think? Comments, please.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Von]

No.

It would take an awful lot to make me read a 'jump straight into adultery without passing go' book. Usually they at least have the redeeming value of being about something else first (like being held captive together on an alien spaceship) and only secondarily about the adultery.

So, and F- for yuck value.

[Von]

>> And Brad's not a jerk, nor is he out to cheat on his wife. Nor, for that matter, are Mike and Carol trying to set him up.

If the above comment is true, then the first page is totally misleading... since this is exactly what comes across... 'impish grin' for example.

[Greg]

Thanks for the input, John. Sure shows the subjective nature of this. Ray recommends more beats, you recommend less. Ah, well.

[Deb]

6500 words? I already agreed with John- the dialogue tags were annoyingly bouncing back and forth for me. Then I read 6500 words, and thought 'Wow, what kind of story can this be?' Umm you have a lot of story to get in here to make us be okay with his being married and going to end up with Diane, because that is what you led me to believe with bringing her in like that. So I agree this first page is not making me feel like this is going to a good place. You may be able to do it, but I doubt if I would keep reading without being sympathetic to your MC, and guzzling a Corona isn't going make me like him more. If he were to hug his buddy, tell him how much he missed the two of them, etc... I would just need something to show what a wonderful guy he really is and that if this continues with Diane then there must be a really good reason.

I would have never guessed this was going to be a romance.

[Greg]

Thanks, Von. Just out of idle curiosity, where in those 16 lines does it say anything about adultery? Brad's meeting someone he went to high school with and hasn't seen in 32 years. I think he's entitled to be excited. But why automatically assuming that will lead to adultery? Just asking. I'm not saying it will or won't, only that it ain't necessarily so. Who knows? Brad may just surprise you.

It's funny, I've thought that if I simply reversed the characters of Brad and Diane, there would be far fewer objections to the story.

[Greg]

Thanks, Deb. I suppose it depends on one's definition of "romance." Actually, Diane doesn't make her appearance until about half-way through the story, and the whole thing takes place in one evening.

And, by the way, Brad may have hugged Mike in the driveway five minutes ago, but I doubt it. (grin)

As for the beats, I'll take a look at it. With real conversation, we benefit from facial expression. Eliminate the beats and you lose a lot of content. Just a personal opinion.

That said, I'm glad everyone's seeing it as so controversial --- it's supposed to be.

[Von]

Seriously?
1) it was supposed to be a surprise.
-- an obvious set up for the reader, and an indication that the MC is being set up, too. with a girl. And he's married.
2) an impish grin. “Diane.”
-- given no other explanation, this is, again, an obvious set up. And, in a modern novel, set up people sleep with each other. Eventually.
3) [profanity excluded] Wow. Diane. [more profanity excluded]
-- married guy saying wow [and profanity] about girl coming do dinner. given no other explanation... (see above)
4) Now, aren’t you glad you forgot to bring your wife
-- Other than writing in glowing lights 'they are going to be committing adultery', I don't know how you could have been more obvious.

[Ray Rhamey]

On beats: listen to what resonates with you in regard to comments. Beats can add a great deal of story and character in a seamless way that adds to the rhythm of the story. I don't agree with John on cutting them, although I only recommended adding one and replacing one. Without them, and with mostly a string of quotes, the page looks naked and the dialogue can become flat.

[Von]

>>It's funny, I've thought that if I simply reversed the characters of Brad and Diane, there would be far fewer objections to the story.

Not from me. Not unless there was some other explanation for all the excitement. And the 'aren't you glad your husband isn't coming' would still make it offensive.

[Ray Rhamey]

I don't know, Von--the impish grin read as knowing that Brad was going to be totally surprised by the guest to me. As for the aren't you glad line, Mike knows two things that you don't yet: she's beautiful, but Brad doesn't know that yet because it was decades ago, and that Brad used to date her all those decades ago, which is part of the grin. I think this poor page is suffering from too much microanalysis. If you turn the page, you don't go back and mine each line for every possible meaning, you just go on. So, either this opening worked to get you to turn the page or not, and let the narrative fill the picture in as it goes.

FtQ readers will know that I often don't do a super-tight line edit because there are things that a writer has a right to do with his narrative, and that the main critique point is on story effectiveness.