Friday Fun and Flogometer for David—would you turn the page?

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Update. Taking the day off for the holiday. See you tomorrow or Wednesday.

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Chapter 23 The prophet sees the light

. Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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David’s opening lines:

Riberalta, Bolivia

Guillermo had to confess. He made his way to the cathedral. A hot wind blew across the road, ruffling tattered leaves on the palms and raising sheets of dust. He carried a parakeet, feathers twinkling as green as the river, in a small cage. In front of the doors, he stamped his feet on the stones to loosen dust from his sandals.

Inside, the air smelled of ashes. Gilt flickered in the light of guttering candles. Guillermo hobbled past empty pews.

A man's voice broke the silence. "If you've come for Mass, you're too late."

A young priest, eyes black as his cassock, stared at him. White collar torn from his throat, he leaned against a column, gripping a bottle of singani.

"If you please, Father. I want to make a confession."

The priest laughed and wiped his mouth. "And what is it an old man would have to confess, eh?"

His eyes burned brightly and his face shined with sweat. Not from the heat and the alcohol, Guillermo could see, but from the fever of the mosquito. Maybe Guillermo should return to Terasu. But he couldn't. Not without absolution. The guilt weighed too heavily. Couldn't any priest, even this one, hear his confession?

Just enough

The voice is solid, the writing clean, and there was just enough story question raised for me to want more—what is it that Guillermo has to confess that causes such guilt? This also promises a look into a world unfamiliar to me. Notes:

Riberalta, Bolivia

Guillermo had to confess. He made his way to the cathedral. A hot wind blew across the road, ruffling tattered leaves on the palms and raising sheets of dust. He carried a parakeet, feathers twinkling as green as the river, in a small cage. In front of the doors, he stamped his feet on the stones to loosen dust from his sandals.

Inside, the air smelled of ashes. Gilt flickered in the light of guttering candles. Guillermo hobbled past empty pews.

A man's voice broke the silence. "If you've come for Mass, you're too late."

A young priest, eyes black as his cassock, stared at him. White collar torn from his throat, he leaned against a column, gripping a bottle of singani. (While I’m guessing that singani is an alcoholic beverage of some kind, I don’t really know what it is. I think it would be good to define it in context. For example [and I’m just making this up] … a bottle of singani, the same cheap red wine peasants drank.)

"If you please, Father. I want to make a confession."

The priest laughed and wiped his mouth. "And what is it an old man would have to confess, eh?"

His eyes burned brightly and his face shined with sweat. Not from the heat and the alcohol, Guillermo could see, but from the fever of the mosquito. Maybe Guillermo should return to Terasu. But he couldn't. Not without absolution. The guilt weighed too heavily. Couldn't any priest, even this one, hear his confession? (For me, eyes burning brightly didn’t really create an image. Can the description be more visual, i.e. His red-rimmed eyes glittered. . .)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Liz P]

I would have turned the page, but with great...reluctance. Though the setting seems exotic and interesting, and there are plentiful story questions for me, it sounds as if the story is leading into a "flashback" or "backstory." (telling the plot through his confession to the priest)

Sometimes telling the story in the past works. (Note, Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss) but most of the time, it doesn't work, at least for me. I don't know if that's where you're headed, but it sounds like it enough I'd be waffling about reading much more.

[Steve]

I'd delete the first sentence as well. Why tell us upfront like that when only a bit down the page he tells the priest why he's there? It felt redundant. I'd then tweak the new opening sentence from "he made his way" to something more tension-filled, showing his actions filled with more urgency, for ex.

[Greg]

Singani is a Bolivian liqour made from white grapes grown at high altitude. It's very delicious when mixed with sprite or any citrus flavored soda.
www.singani.com

[Greg]

Bolivian liquor, that is.

[Steve]

oops. I meant to add-there are spots where the tension could also be upped. For ex, as well, where he says "I want to make a confession." If he feels this sense of not being able to return without absolution dialogue would be a great place to show us this desperation, urgency, or whatever it is he's experiencing. Even a "I must make a confession" or "I need" shows more than an "I want."

[Ray Rhamey]

I disagree with deleting the first sentence. That was the initial story-question-raiser and tension-builder for me--why does he HAVE to confess?

[Doug]

I waffled back and forth a few times before voting "no". It was really close. The content was interesting, but I just wasn't crazy about the writing. This could definitely be just a matter of taste: you can't please everyone.

My thoughts, for what they're worth, since there will certainly be others who disagree. These are all minor niggles:

The first line threw me until I read the second one. Not a big deal, but (as a non-Catholic) I would have understood "Guillermo needed Confession" much more readily than "needed to confess."

"He made his way to the cathedral" seemed to be a waste of words. It's main value was in clarifying the opening line. I'd drop it and change the later line to "In front of the cathedral doors".

Riberalta doesn't have a cathedral because there is no bishop located there. It has a diocese, but you might be better off just making it a "Catholic church".

I would have swapped the participial phrases, in order to make it more obvious that it's a dirt road:
- A hot wind blew across the road, raising sheets of dust and ruffling tattered leaves on the palms.

The "sheets of dust" didn't give me a clear image. The image I initially got was of dust being lifted a few feet in the air, but that takes wind of about 35 mph or so, which is more than seems to be the case here. I finally decided that these are low plumes of dust, maybe ankle-high. But this is awfully early in the story to make me stop and try to figure out the imagery.

Another participial phrase rears its head, making three of them in two sentences. Worse, this one is a misplaced modifier. Guillermo's feathers weren't twinkling. Make it "with feathers twinkling" and it'd be more accurate and clear.

I'm not thrilled with the word "twinkling" anyway. It didn't give me an image I could work with.

Didn't Guillermo's eyes need to adjust to the relative darkness inside the cathedral when he first went in?

The "man's voice broke the silence" seemed unnecessary. The following paragraph could be combined into the paragraph with the priest's dialogue:
- "If you've come for Mass, you're too late." A young priest, eyes black as his cassock, stared at him. ...

The "White collar torn from his throat" didn't work for me. Again, I couldn't form an image.

The switch in antecedents between "stared at him" and "his throat"/"he leaned" momentarily confused me.

I didn't find the priest's response "what is it an old man would have to confess" to be credible. Older people are more concerned about the approach of death than youngsters. Certainly the priest has heard confessions from older people.

I found the paragraph breaks awkward through this section. I'd have done it this way:
- The priest laughed and wiped his mouth. "And what is it an old man would have to confess, eh?" His eyes burned brightly and his face shined with sweat. Not from the heat and the alcohol, Guillermo could see, but from the fever of the mosquito.
- Maybe Guillermo should return to Terasu. But he couldn't. Not without absolution. ...

The question in the final line didn't work for me. It's either a statement or a different question with the possibility of an answer. Examples:
- Any priest would do, even this one.
- If this priest wouldn't hear his confession, where could he find one who would?

Plus Ray's comments.

It's all a bunch of small stuff, but for me it added up to just barely enough to overcome the content.

[Tamara]

David, good work. I voted to turn the page.

[Norm]

I agree with Doug. It was close for me. On a different day I might vote yes. The writing is descriptive, bordering on too much.

[Bernita]

Nice and clean but I have the sense of being hit with a series of declarations, almost a list.
Perhaps you might consider attaching his guilt to his footsteps?

[Q of D]

I can easily picture the scene and that's a very good sign.

I'm not going to argue with the priest speaking out of character; after all, the man is drunk and having him speak in an unpriestly manner emphasizes the point.

What I do have issue with are the comparisons such as "green as the river" and "black as his cassock." If I saw too much more of that kind of thing I'd put the book down.

There's nothing wrong with "his black eyes burned brightly" if you don't have anything
more original. I suggest sparing use of comparisons if they don't really pop.

Peter Carey writes brilliant metaphors. I've sworn off them completely until I can do them as well as he can!

[David Greer]

Thank you Ray and floggers for your thoughtful comments. I have revised the text, which is available at http://eduardosparakeets.blogspot.com/

[Christine H]

I liked this very much! The parakeet in particular was an intriguing detail. I love the voice and all the descriptions. The scene is quite vivid, and, I wouldn't change it too much.

One little thing - I would probably say his face "shone" with sweat instead of "shined." But perhaps that's old-fashioned.

I think the last line is totally appropriate and wouldn't change it.