Friday Fun and Flogometer for Bill & Dan—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Their opening lines:

“The boy must return with me this time. There is to be no more stalling.”

The Deacon was a sight to behold. He sat drinking what Father could offer as tea without complaint. The green of his robe shimmered in the windows’ dull light. I had seen satin before, Mother even had a small square of it she was sewing into the bodice of my sister’s wedding dress, but an entire robe of it was more than I could believe. The writings on its hems, some ancient language known only to the scholars, reflected the light even more with their gold and silver threadwork.

That Father had windows at all showed him to be one of the richest men in the valley. He was highly respected in the area, and smart enough to know he would be considered a backwater oaf if he tried to pretend some sort of culture to the Deacon. Instead he offered the Deacon his tea in the best cups we had without apologies for the quality of either the tea or the cup. Mother tabled a loaf of our best bread with a knife and the honeyed butter we had been saving for the upcoming holiday.

Father looked the Deacon in the eyes, “I need him for the planting. And, his sister marries in only a week; surely he can stay for the festivities.”

The Deacon tore a chunk of bread, lathered a generous portion of the spread, and chewed it with a small smile. He responded quietly, “No, last time I came it was for the harvest and the (snip)

I wished it were compelling

The writing in the two chapters sent was well done, clean and crisp, and the story and world interesting. I know that because, as a matter of course, I read ahead. But, as nicely done as this opening page was, I didn’t think it reached the level of compelling. The tension created by the opening line is attenuated by the amount of description of the deacon and the family.

So I looked ahead to see if there was a segment that raised enough in the way of story questions to create a page-turn. Here, lifted from later in the pages and wedded to the first line, is narrative that has tension and, for me, raised story questions. See what you think, and then vote.

The Deacon said, “The boy must return with me this time. There is to be no more stalling.”

I watched from my perch on the loft, knowing that my fate was being decided and my opinion was not needed. I could see the lines in Father’s brow deepen and I could hear the catch in Mother’s breath as she pretended to busy herself at the hearth. The Deacon sat calm but affected. I could tell he wasn’t enjoying this conversation. I could also tell he wasn’t leaving without me.

Father pleaded, “It’s not right, it’s not right to take a man’s only son. I have four daughters, but only one son to leave the farm to when I pass. Now some other man’s son will keep my pigs and reap my grain. Some other man’s name will grace the gate to our home. Marl’s Bells, Frederick, is there nothing you can do?”

“Even if I had the power, what you ask is too much. The boy is the strongest ever seen in this valley. It was obvious to me that you were drugging his powers away, and still his blessing calls brighter than any I have ever seen. He could rival the Ambrose one day.

“Besides, you said yourself that your best sow has come sick. His powers must be focused. Left to their own, they will poison the world around him. There is a reason they used to burn the blessed before the Pinnacles were wrought. Would you hold the boy close to your breast only to have him cause the destruction of anything he has ever held dear?”

Really nice stuff, guys, keep at it. I suggest that you consider dropping this opening chapter, look at opening with your chapter two, and introducing this character in the following chapter with, hopefully, the tension of his being thrust unwillingly into a new world. Either that or find a way to increase the jeopardy and stakes for him in this chapter.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[glj]

I voted yes, although it was barely compelling enough to continue. I liked the basic premise, but agree that it could be stronger. Ray's suggestions are good, and I would go with that.

I found several sentences that could be tightened up. The sentence "He sat drinking what Father could offer as tea without complaint" made me think that Father offered the tea without complaint, instead of the Deacon drinking it without complaint.

The sentence "That Father had windows at all showed him to be one of the richest men in the valley" made me stop to re-read. First, capitalizing father, with the Deacon already in the picture, lead me to believe that father was a priest. But then it appears he is a farmer. And starting with "That Father" made me think you were directing me to a particular father. No suggestions spring to mind, but I had to re-read it.

The sentence "He was highly respected in the area, and smart enough to know he would be considered a backwater oaf if he tried to pretend some sort of culture to the Deacon" seemed disjointed. Maybe "He was highly respected in our area and smart enough to know he would be a backwater oaf if he tried to pretend to some sort of culture"? Just a suggestion. Followed by "So he offered tea in our best cups without apologies for the quality of either the tea or the cup."

The sentence "Mother tabled a loaf of our best bread . . ." is verbing, using a noun as a verb. You can table a vote, but "tabling" a loaf of bread and knife strikes me as very odd wording. Why not "offered" or "provided"?

Another suggestion: Father looked the Deacon in the eyes. “I need him for the planting. And, his sister marries in only a week. Surely he can stay for the festivities?" (this last phrase is a request, so a question mark would seem more fitting).

The phrase "The Deacon tore a chunk of bread, lathered a generous portion of the spread," seems incomplete. I think it should be "lathered on a generous portion of the spread" or "lathered the chunk with a generous portion of the spread", as currently the lathering is not performed on the chunk of bread. Minor and very picky, but this is your first page, after all.

What did you do right? This opens with action. And only enough description to flesh it out. The conflict is immediately apparent, so that catches my interest. This is much harder to do than it looks, and I think the page is intriguing.

[Christine H]

I liked the first one best. Nice job! Good writing.

I found enough tension in the poverty issue and the strange Deacon (who seems more like some kind of wizard than a Christian) to definitely want to turn the page.

[Deb]

For a first page, I liked the first one better, and I would definitely turn the page.

[Liz P]

I preferred the second one.

The first version was intriguing, but barely so. I would likely have read one or two more pages and then, if unintersted still, dropped the book completely.

But the second one, with talks of being blessed and special abilities and higher tension drew me in much sharper. And, I had an MC to be sympathetic for. (the boy, with his fate being decided. Since the second one has me in his POV more so than the almost narrator-like POV of the first one)

[Dai Alanye]

In version one there seems to be too little tension and implied action, and too much in the way of thoughts, description and background which could have been left until later, or even in a second chapter.