Flogometer for Ryan—would you turn the page?

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Just for fun, I cooked up a little video on rejection. If you like it, please pass it on or use it in your website or blog.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Ryan, who is 16 and working very hard on writing, sent these opening lines (British spelling):

Cold chills run the length of my young spine, as I watch from the stands, my Father, being accused of the horrific murder of my beloved Mother. His hands clamped together lay motionless in his lap, with his gaze looking out over the courtroom audience through widened pupils revealing something more than simple regret.

An ear-piercing screech is heard as the Prosecutions chair scrapes along the wood-panel floors, allowing room for him to stand and interrupt the Defences ramblings. “Your Honour. I call a motion to dismiss. The Defence has had a good fourty-minute talk with Mr. Byron Wendell to prove his innocence and nothing has come of it.” His head is held high with an impatient voice. “In the interest of time and all present here today. I call for the Defence to take his seat and allow the case to move on.”

The Judge straightens his mouth in thought whilst taking a long look at the quivering Defence lawyer. “Granted.” A quick bang of his gravel finalises the decision.

Creaks follow under the incompetent Defence lawyer’s feet as he waddles back to his seating, allowing the Prosecution to take his place in front of my Father whom has hardly said a word since the beginning of the proceedings.

Large hands that are the Prosecutions rest down on the Defendant boxes railing. He leans forward, staring at my Father through beady eyes in an attempt of intimidation. No response is (snip)

Not there yet for me

I had some correspondence with Ryan whilst he sent several versions of his opening, and it improved a great deal in the process. But I’m afraid that it won’t clear the professional hurdle of an agent or acquisition editor. While the situation is interesting and he starts with a dramatic immediate scene, for me there’s too much narrative expended on detail (overwriting) that keeps it from getting to the good stuff (the father confesses on the next page). There are comma faults and other craft issues as well. Notes:

Cold chills run the length of my young spine, as I watch from the stands, my Father father being accused of the horrific murder of my beloved Mother mother. His hands, clamped together, lay motionless in his lap, with his gaze looking out over the courtroom audience through widened pupils revealing something more than simple regret. (The first sentence, even with a couple of commas removed, still isn’t right and needs straightening. In the last sentence, I think we should understand what the narrator thinks he sees that is more than simple regret. If it’s not on the page, the reader won’t get it.)

An ear-piercing screech is heard as tThe Prosecutions chair scrapes his chair along the wood-panel floors, allowing room for him to stands and interrupts the Defence’s ramblings. “Your Honour. I call a motion to dismiss. The Defence defence has had a good fourty forty-minute talk with Mr. Byron Wendell to prove his innocence and nothing has come of it.” His head is held high with an impatient voice. “In the interest of time and all present here today. I call for the Defence defence to take his seat and allow the case to move on.” (I have trouble believing that chair legs scraping on a wood floor would reach the level of “ear-piercing” volume. On capitalizing Prosecution and Defense, I can buy this if we’re using them as substitutions for proper names, but otherwise that’s not quite right. Note that you can't hold your head high with your voice; this description would work better with something such as: His chin high, his voice impatient, the Prosecution says. . . And it seems to me that, in legal proceedings, a motion to dismiss would end the case, not allow it to continue. In addition, I don’t think the prosecution would be wanting to dismiss the case. If he wants the case to continue, his motion should be something other than dismissal.)

The Judge straightens his mouth in thought whilst taking takes a long look at the quivering Defence defence lawyer. “Granted.” A quick bang of his gravel finalises the decision. (While the description of the judge’s mouth is an effort to show us what we’re seeing, it’s a nonessential detail that neither characterizes or contributes to the story, and is a bit of overwriting.)

Creaks follow under The incompetent Defence defence lawyer’s feet as he waddles back to his seating, allowing the Prosecution prosecution to take his place in front of my father, whom who has hardly said a word since the beginning of the proceedings. (The creaks in the floor are more superfluous detail that slow the pace.)

Large hands that are The Prosecutions prosecution's hands rest down on the Defendant defendant boxes railing. He leans forward, staring at my Father father through beady eyes in what appears to be an attempt of intimidation. No response is (snip) (The description of the prosecution’s hands is a bit overwrought, and not really all that important. What does it matter that his hands are large?)

I applaud Ryan for his determination, and think he has a good story waiting for us. As I said, the father confesses, in detail, to killing the boy’s mother (I think the boy is only five, and that should be in the opening page to help the reader know what’s going on). I think that should be on the first page as well because it will raise a terrific story question. Tidy up the missing apostrophes (in possessives), straighten out the commas, avoid the overwriting, and you’re well on your way. Thanks for sending your work, and good luck.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Christine H]

I actually probably would read on just to find out what happened, because I read and watch a lot of mysteries and enjoy courtroom scenes. I'm wondering if the father is truly guilty, or if he's protecting someone. I agree that the age of the child should be made clear. Also, if the boy is only five the voice should reflect that. Unless, of course, the child is grown up and reflecting on the past with an adult perspective, in which case that should be indicated.

I'm very impressed that a 16-year-old wrote this! You're doing better than I did at that age.

[Christine H]

P.S. I liked the large hands because they make the prosecutor seem even more intimidating. That was a vivid image for me, and recalled memories of the old Perry Mason TV show.

[glj]

I did find the scenario intriguing enough to want to turn the page.

That said, the writing is quite rough and if I were evaluating this in some capacity, the various strange phrasings and problems with punctuation (such as the lack of apostrophes for possessive) would make me pass on it.

That said, the story has an intriguing opening. It starts fast and does not get bogged down by trying to supply backstory, as is too often seen in first pages.

[Tamara]

It's difficult for me to critique a 16-year old writer!

I came to a full stop on this sentence:

"His head is held high with an impatient voice."

The sentence tells us the man's held is held up via his voice. I think a head could be held high by a stiff spine, or a rigid attitude, but not by a voice.

I'd suggest using Hemingway's favorite word (and) and making the sentence more along the lines of:

"His head is held high, and the rapid pace of his speech show his impatience."

[Tamara]

oops. should be shows not show:
"His head is held high, and the rapid pace of his speech shows his impatience."

[Ryan. W]

I really appreciate all the comments, and the critique by Ray. I think I've learned a thing or two about the proper use of apostrophes and overwriting.

I'm baffled by how you, Christine, are already wondering if the Father is truly guilty and just protecting somebody else without reading the second page, well done.

[Lexi Revellian]

I don't like 'young spine', as I don't believe children think of themselves as young in that way. Also it should be 'gavel', not 'gravel'. And if the protagonist is only five, I doubt he'd be allowed in the courtroom.

But I wish I'd started writing at sixteen.

[Christine H]

Ryan, as I said, I've watched and read a LOT of detective stories! LOL! Usually when a sympathetic character pleads guilty right away, s(he) is protecting someone else that they think has "done it."

I would have guessed the child might be guilty, but it's hard to think of a way that a five-year-old could commit murder so I'm betting it's someone else.

[von]

yep, 'young spine' got to me, too.