Flogometer for Liz—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Liz has sent a revision of a prologue/first chapter critiqued here a while back:

With a smack, another wet drop slapped his face. Chax grimaced, shivered, and shifted as far as his bonds would allow. Suspended by his hands from a thick beam, the ache of hanging from his weight throbbed through every muscle.

The exception were his wings. They had been stretched out in full spread, the talon-like dewclaws lashed to metal rings on either side of him. Chax had given up imagining what purpose the rings had originally had after the third day; it only made him nauseated.

Holding that type of position for very long, with the membrane stretched as tight as a tympani left his muscles cramping. The maroon span had fascinated his captors. They had quickly found the right touch on his wings could make him weep in pain, or moan in pleasure. Bad combination either way.

The bottom left fringe had started to rip. If it tore deep enough, he would probably shift into an early Cycle. Chax shuddered. An Altered in mid-Cycle, away from a lair, might as well impale himself on a revlis dagger, before the humans did it for him.

The whisper of footsteps in the corridor made him groan. They were coming back. Why did he let himself get talked into these things?

The footsteps were louder. Chax scowled. His captors shuffled as they walked, limp wings scraping on stone. It set his teeth on edge. It was probably time for another dose of cinsra.

And the first chapter opens this way:

Azrael stiffened at footsteps behind him.

"Gethon.” The Elder that had been lecturing him sighed, the edge of his mouth twisting into a scowl. “I suppose it’s time?”

Azrael glanced between the two powerful Altered, but remained silent. Only the Uni himself outranked Gethon. Close-cropped brown hair edged a plain face, enlivened by the energy gleaming in his eyes. He shrugged apologetically. "I'm sorry, Gyas but I need to speak with him.”

The lower Elder retreated, but not without a curt reminder to Azrael. "You should remember what I spoke of, Youngling," he snapped. "I'll be expecting you to."

Azrael clenched his teeth, but held his anger. A Youngling had never experienced his first Cycle. He, as the Altered well knew, had shed his wings at least twenty times, adding size to his span and strength to his abilities.

When he had moved out of earshot, Azrael turned to face Gethon. "Is something wrong? Is Lethe -- "

"The Uni is fine, fine as can be expected,” Gethon said, mildly correcting him.

"Then, what's wrong? You've never dismissed Gyas before."

He raked a hand through his hair. Azrael knew the gesture well. The Elder was trying to pick his words carefully. "Chax...your friend. He's missing."

Yes for the prologue, the chapter opening works better too

I’m wondering why the first piece is a prologue instead of a different point of view that opens the first chapter? They seem to be contiguous in time. With an appropriate break signaling a change in POV, that might work. I do it in my novels, cluing in the reader on the shift with a line that has three centered asterisks in it.

I think the revised prologue is much clearer compared to the old. The writing is crisper, too. The chapter opening also cuts to the chase with less world-building, and is more likely to get a page turn. Good work. Some brief notes:

With a smack, another wet drop slapped his face. Chax grimaced, shivered and shifted as far as his bonds would allow. Suspended by his hands from a thick beam, the ache of hanging from his weight throbbed through every muscle. (About those smacking drops of water: if they’re hitting his face, doesn’t his face have to be tilted back? But he’s suspended by his hands above his head and against a wall, and it seems like a path for the drops would be hard to find. Are they hitting his forehead, maybe?)

The exception were was his wings. They had been stretched out in full spread, the talon-like dewclaws lashed to metal rings on either side of him. Chax had given up imagining what purpose the rings had originally had after the third day; it only made him nauseated.

Holding that type of position for very long, with the membrane stretched as tight as a tympani left his muscles cramping. The maroon span had fascinated his captors. They had quickly found the right touch on his wings could make him weep in pain, or moan in pleasure. Bad combination either way. (I cut the first line because muscle pain has already been mentioned. Not needed.)

The bottom left fringe had started to rip. If it tore deep enough, he would probably shift into an early Cycle. Chax shuddered. An Altered in mid-Cycle, away from a lair, might as well impale himself on a revlis dagger, before the humans did it for him.

The whisper of footsteps in the corridor made him groan. They were coming back. Why did he let himself get talked into these things? (Nice hint of backstory to tease.)

The footsteps were louder. Chax scowled. His captors shuffled as they walked, limp wings scraping on stone. It set his teeth on edge. It was probably time for another dose of cinsra. (Didn’t figure that was needed. Keep the pace up.)

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Azrael stiffened at footsteps behind him.

"Gethon.” The Elder that had been lecturing him sighed, the edge of his mouth twisting into a scowl. “I suppose it’s time?” (Here the word “lecturing” could mean a form of scolding instead of teaching. Is that what you intend? If not, then it’s not clear enough.)

Azrael glanced between the two powerful Altered, but remained silent. Only the Uni himself outranked Gethon. Close-cropped brown hair edged a plain face, enlivened by the energy gleaming in his eyes. He shrugged apologetically. "I'm sorry, Gyas but I need to speak with him.” (The attribution “He” feels like it refers to Azrael, but you mean Gethon. I’d separate this into two paragraphs and change the pronoun to a name, maybe do a little rearranging, too.)

The lower Elder retreated, but not without a curt reminder to Azrael. "You should remember what I spoke of, Youngling," he snapped. "I'll be expecting you to." (“snapped” lets the reader know he was curt.)

Azrael clenched his teeth, but held his anger. A Youngling had never experienced his first Cycle. He, as the Altered well knew, had shed his wings at least twenty times, adding size to his span and strength to his abilities.

When he had moved out of earshot, Azrael turned to face Gethon. "Is something wrong? Is Lethe -- "

"The Uni is fine, fine as can be expected,” Gethon said, mildly correcting him.

"Then what's wrong? You've never dismissed Gyas before."

He Gethon raked a hand through his hair. Azrael knew the gesture well. The Elder was trying to pick his words carefully. "It’s Chax...your friend. He's missing."

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[glj]

I think the prologue works well. The "how did he get himself talked into this" thought made me wonder if he was really a captive?

The first page had too many characters and not enough info for me to keep them straight. I had to read it several times to figure out that only a single new elder, Gethon, arrives while Azrael is talking/listening to Gyas. At least, I think that is the situation. From the text, I had difficulty determining whether Gethon arrives or is already there with Azrael. But then, it is Monday and maybe my brain isn't working yet.

[Doug]

I voted 'yes' on both, but I don't see the story value of the prologue. At least, not from that first page. We learn soon enough that Chax is missing, and that it's apparently a matter of serious concern.

Picky stuff follows. Picky, picky, picky:

I didn't care for the prologue opening with a prepositional phrase. Just a matter of style.

Ditto to Ray's comments on the prologue.

Chapter 1 opens with a single-sentence narrative paragraph. Although there's no law against that, as a general rule each non-dialogue paragraph should have multiple sentences. The single-sentence narrative paragraph is usually reserved for delivering a punch line where something very unexpected happens.

Paragraph 2: I haven't a clue who's speaking. I presume it's not Gethon, although I suppose he could be announcing himself. I also didn't know who "the Elder" was, nor which "him" the Elder had been lecturing. I presume that the Elder is Gyas, in which case there's no reason not to give his name. The Elder is a "who", not a "what". The "I suppose it's time" line didn't seem to go anywhere, and just added to the overall confusion of this paragraph.

Paragraph 3: Azrael had his back to the footsteps, but now he's looking between the two others in the room. It seems that Azrael thinks of them as Elders, but here he refers to them as Altereds. The "Only the Uni outranked Gethon" didn't add anything to the scene, and introduced another character that we could do without while we're trying to get caught up.

Paragraph 3: Like Ray noted: who is the "he" who shrugged apologetically? From the narrative it sounds like it's Azrael, but from the dialogue it sounds like it's Gethon. And that, only because there's no indication that Azrael sent for Gethon.

Paragraph 3: there should be a comma after "I'm sorry, Gyas". I'm also a bit surprised that Gethon is apologetic both in action and in speech. You've said he's #2 in the pecking order, and a human in that position would probably be more commanding.

Paragraph 4: as Ray noted, the "curt" and "snapped" are redundant. I think that "reminded" and "remember" are also redundant.

Paragraph 5: didn't work for me. Exposition of details I don't need to know right now. And who is "the Altered"?

Paragraph 6: who is the "he" who moved out of earshot? It sounds like it's Azrael, but that doesn't make any sense.

Final paragraph: I would've thought that Gethon would already have considered how to break the news while on his way to visit Azrael. And for all his deliberations, his choice of words seemed clunky. What's wrong with the more straightforward, "Your friend Chaz is missing"?

To summarize:

More attention could be paid to assuring that the reader knows who's being referred to at all times. The use of two forms of metonymy--the Elder and the Altered--for both of two other characters seems a bit overkill to me, and adds to the other confusion factors. Be sure that your pronouns have clear antecedents; there are three "hims" in the room and two more are being spoken of.

Speaking of which, introducing five characters on the first page is a bit much. Lethe doesn't contribute at all, and Gyas doesn't contribute anything on this page. I suspect that the scene with Gyas is significant once we turn the page. If it's not, what's the value of having him on page 1?

The second paragraph of Chapter 1 didn't seem to add much, and its having been broken off from the opening sentence is a stylistic issue.

[Deb]

I loved the prologue. It gave me a clear picture and made me feel empathy for Chax. (And I kind of disagree with Ray (sorry) but I had no trouble with the water slapping his face.)

But I voted no on the chapter simply because it was a big jumble of confusion of too many characters and no picture. I think more scene and character description would help. I know from the prologue that these aren't probably just men, but it is a new world to me, so I feel like I personally need some reminders of what these new terms mean and if they are ordinary maybe some reference to the fact that they are.

I haven't read a lot of SF but what I have takes me a while to get into the world, so really this is probably a really good start. I like to rest my brain while I read though.

[Kim]

I was ready to vote yes on the prologue until I got to the 'why did he let himself get talked into these things' line. It undercut the whole picture I had built up of him as a captive, which ruined the tension for me, and also left me too confused to want to continue.

The opening chapter didn't really work for me either, I'm sorry. Many characters and an unclear argument--I just didn't get a sense of either the stakes or who I cared about.

Kim

[Christine H]

I agree with the Kim that opening chapter was too confusing. Too many names and strange ideas thrown in together at once. I know it's hard to put the action on the first page when you have to do world-building, too. My preference is for a little world-building first. If it's interesting enough in the first sixteen lines, I'll hang around to find out what the action is.

I really liked the prologue, as it allowed me to get a feel for the character and the fantasy world slowly so that I could adjust to it. But, like others, the "get talked into" line threw me for a loop. It seemed to lower the stakes.

I also think you could cut the fourth paragraph and put that info in later. I think the scene would flow better without it.

Just one nitpicky thing: The name Azrael made me think of the bad guy from the Smurfs. Is that where you got it? I'm just curious. (Yes, I have a young child at home!)

[Liz P]

Thanks everybody for your suggestions and comments.

I shall edit again, and slim down the number of characters I mention. And the wording of some of that. The "why he let himself" line was supposed to be tease, like Ray mentioned, but clearly it took tension out too. So I'll have to reword it some.

There is a time gap between the prologue and chapter one, otherwise I wouldn't split them up.

Less world-building for sure.

@ Christine H

Actually, Azrael is (according to legend) the "angel of death". Sometimes he's also associated with the Grim Reaper.

I used the name because he's winged, has a brooding personality, and his "kind (the Altered, as they call themselves) regularly kill inferior humans. Until this book, of course. :) Urban fantasy is quite fun.

[glj]

I forgot to say that I would turn the page. Oops.

I like fantasy, and don't like stories to start with too much description/scene setting/backstory. But maybe you need just a touch more. Or modify slightly. For example, I kind of understood the "let him get himself get talked into" line, except for the implication that he would somehow be "talked into" being a captive. Coercion would be necessary, so this struck me as telling too little, as he could have been talked into something that ultimately led to his capture. For example, he might regret "letting himself get talked into picnicing next to the enemy castle on a dare, knowning how the bad guys felt about outdoor dining" or something like that. I say this at the risk that it becomes clearer on page 2. :)

At any rate, I found the prologue/page to be intriguing.

Below is an attempt at a rewrite to make the characters clearer. I hope it is helpful.

Azrael turned his head at the sound of footsteps behind him.

"Greetings, Gethon.” Gyas sighed and his mouth twisted into a scowl. “I suppose it’s time?”

Azrael glanced between the two powerful Altered, but remained silent. They were Elders, and only the Uni himself outranked Gethon.

Close-cropped brown hair edged a plain face, enlivened by the energy gleaming in Gethon's eyes. He shrugged apologetically. "I'm sorry, Gyas but I need to speak with Azrael.”

The lower Elder retreated, but not without a curt reminder to Azrael. "You should remember what I spoke of, Youngling," Gyas snapped. "I'll be expecting you to."

[Liz P]

Thanks for the suggestion, glj.

I really like your rewording.

And yes, you're on the right track. He got talked into a situation, which in turn put him in the predicament of a captive.

So, hmm, somehow I do need to clarify that one line, without losing the tease of backstory/future revelations.