Flogometer for Gregg—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Tension
• Story questions
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene setting
• Character
  

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Gregg’s opening lines:

Grandpap was eating breakfast when he made his grand announcement. I was already in a snarly mood as a result of him chewing loudly. It was his favourite, toasted snails, which always makes me irritable. It was not the snails, mind you, but the loud crunching. And the occasional glimpse of a slimy rubbery snail body stuck between his teeth. Plus the annoying sight of the ends of his long white droopy moustache going up and down in unison, keeping time with the crunching, moving like the levers of a water wheel mechanism.

“I have made a decision, Sonny!” He swirled a hand in the air.

“You are going to dole out your treasure to me for safekeeping from the king’s tax collectors?”

“Hardly! Not until you make something of your life.” Grandpap’s voice rose. “I am talking about me. I have decided to do it!” He looked expectantly at me with those glimmering eyes of his.

I sighed. If he wanted to play guessing games, better be done with it. “Do what, Grandpap?”

“Why, to take a wife, of course! You must have wondered why I never married.”

No secret there. The old coot was as loony as a spring hare -- and eccentric to boot. I doubted even the private tent ladies at the summer fair would take his money.

Is voice enough?

For me, what this well-written and entertaining opening lacked was tension, yet the voice promises fun. As a part of what I do, I read on, and found a delightful world packed with good writing and excellent humor (or humour, as Gregg would write). But I never found the story. After Sonny bargains with Grandpap for a fee to help him find a wife (not a tension-filled scene), he’s sent to fetch a bag of stench from a hog farm. While hilariously written, the mission again held no tension, and no story about the apparent protagonist, Sonny.

So, in a way, voice alone did get me to turn the page. However, I voted no after seeing the rest of the chapter because it really wasn’t going anywhere. My advice, Gregg, is to hop over all this world-building and exposition and unleash your humor and voice on the story, on the “what happens” to jolt Sonny out of his snarky life and have to do something to avoid high-stakes jeopardy. A couple of notes on this narrative:

Grandpap was eating breakfast when he made his grand announcement. I was already in a snarly mood as a result of him chewing loudly. It was his favourite, toasted snails, which always makes me irritable. It was not the snails, mind you, but the loud crunching. And the occasional glimpse of a slimy rubbery snail body stuck between his teeth. Plus the annoying sight of the ends of his long white droopy moustache going up and down in unison, keeping time with the crunching, moving like the levers of a water wheel mechanism. (I’d cut a chunk of this because, well, we get it after a while, yet it goes on, stealing from the opening page narrative two lines of story that could be used to hook the reader instead of description. Moreover, the whole paragraph is not tension inducing.)

“I have made a decision, Sonny!” He swirled a hand in the air. (Frankly, you could cut the whole paragraph above and start with this, which at least raises a story question. Add in snails and description along the way, if you must.)

“You are going to dole out your treasure to me for safekeeping from the king’s tax collectors?”

“Hardly! Not until you make something of your life.” Grandpap’s voice rose. “I am talking about me. I have decided to do it!” He looked expectantly at me with those glimmering eyes of his.

I sighed. If he wanted to play guessing games, better be done with it. “Do what, Grandpap?”

“Why, to take a wife, of course! You must have wondered why I never married.” (Playing this guessing game stalls the forward momentum of the narrative. Why not get to it?)

No secret there. The old coot was as loony as a spring hare -- and eccentric to boot. I doubted even the private tent ladies at the summer fair would take his money. (I found more “dithering” such as the guessing game that slowed the pace, but, as noted, never found a story.)

My vote, Gregg, is to keep writing because your narrative is a pleasure (and a hoot) to read, but please exercise it in the telling of a story, not in an expansive though fun stroll through this character’s world.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Gargi]

Oh God this is so spooky! My first novel started exactly like this, though this is much better I hasten to add! I am almost considering sending my opening for that novel to the Flogometer, just for comparison if for no other reason.

In my opening, the parents, brother and MC (a teen girl) are all gathered around for breakfast when her father announces a decision that sets the story in motion.

[Darcy]

Seems like great fun to me. I don't think it would take a whole lot of story questions for the protagonist to keep me reading. I was slowed down momentarily by Grandpap having a grand child if he never married. Of course, one doesn't have to be married to have children, but I did pause to wonder about it, which is not ideal for a first page.

[Deb]

(“Why, to take a wife, of course! You must have wondered why I never married.” (Playing this guessing game stalls the forward momentum of the narrative. Why not get to it?))

I have to argue, sorry Ray. You take away gramps voice by cutting his narrative. And the first paragraph gave the picture. I can't see the rest of the chapter, but to me this -“You are going to dole out your treasure to me for safekeeping from the king’s tax collectors?” gave the story some tension and questions. I voted yes, especially if this is middle grade.

The grandpa and grandkid never been married thing did make me think 'hey wait a minute', but there is nothing on this page I would cut. Middle grade kids would scoop this up.

[Lexi Revellian]

I voted Yes because it's entertaining, and I like the contrast of personalities. And I'm interested to see what sort of female Grandpap is after, and what will happen next.

[Von]

Yes. I think a lot of why we turn the page in a book has to do with what the story promises; even more than what it delivers on the first page. We can all remember the beginning of 'the Hobbit' no?

This beginning promises a story that I will probably like. I might not, but the promise is there. One is reasonably sure that no lesbian vampires will suddenly emerge as the main protagonists.

It promises well, and I would like to read where it goes after this.

[glj]

Thanks to everyone for the feedback, it is helpful. Getting the story off to a good start is so important, and feedback as to what works and what doesn't is so necessary, I don't see how a person could get published without having many people read and give input. I will think about how I could make the central conflict stronger and more immediate.

[Kim]

The old coot was as loony as a spring hare -- and eccentric to boot. I doubted even the private tent ladies at the summer fair would take his money.

This line convinced me to read on. Good writing, and lots of fun.

I definitely agree with Ray's edits in the first paragraph--it just ran on a little long. I didn't mind dragging out the guessing game, though, since that seemed totally in the character of the grandpa.

Kim