Friday Fun and Flogometer for Liz—would you turn the page?

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Chapter 20 An unholy alliance

. Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Liz’s opening lines:

Sitting with his back to the wall, Gary watched Castor wander up to the bar, his weapon displayed in clear view. Any man with thirty thousand credits on his head would do the same. It was unfortunate the bounty demanded him alive. Gary preferred dragging a corpse across the galaxy.

Gary set his glass down and staggered to his feet. He half-stumbled, half-lurched his way toward the door and then sprawled on the ground. He shifted enough to watch his target.

Castor watched him with a look of disgust. His lip curled, revealing the sharpened edge of one canine, as if fangs sprouted from a human mouth. Vanity gene-splicing.

Gary dropped his head and allowed a frown. If they had adapted his physiology, it might take more than one shot to stun him. The contact had never mentioned vanity gene splicing. Knew something was up.

When the brat moved, Gary tensed. Castor prowled closer. Gary rolled to his feet, holding the Stinger steady with two hands. Castor saw his sudden movement and clawed for a weapon. The brat didn’t have a chance. One shot and Castor crumpled, limbs twitching.

Gary flicked a glance at the storeowner. They stared at each other for a long moment, before the man fled to the back. No one got involved in Elba.

Yes

For me, a good action scene is involving, and this one raises good what-happens-next story questions. The protagonist is interesting, smart, and capable, the writing is mostly crisp and clear. I do have some notes, though.

Sitting with his back to the wall, Gary watched Castor wander up to the bar, his weapon displayed in clear view. Any man with thirty thousand credits on his head would do the same. It was unfortunate the bounty demanded him alive. Gary preferred dragging a corpse across the galaxy. (The last sentence didn’t work well for me because it isn’t apparent why he would prefer a corpse. Is it something like this: It was easier to drag a corpse back to collect his money.)

Gary set his glass down and staggered to his feet. He half-stumbled, half-lurched his way toward the door and then sprawled on the ground. He shifted enough to watch his target. (The “shifted enough” description isn’t really clear, or very visual—more like “telling.” I think it would suffice to simply say He watched his target. or, more visually, He watched his target through slitted eyes.)

Castor gave him watched him with a look of disgust. His lip curled, revealing the sharpened edge of one canine, as if fangs sprouted from a human mouth. Vanity gene-splicing. (I changed the first sentence to avoid the echo of “watch” from the previous sentence. Do you actually mean “sharpened,” as in having been sharpened, or simply “sharp,” which would be the natural state of fangs?)

Gary dropped his head and allowed a frown. If they had adapted his physiology, it might take more than one shot to stun him. The contact had never mentioned vanity gene splicing. Knew something was up. (The part about dropping his head isn’t clear. I thought he was sprawled on the floor, acting drunk. So how is his head in a position to allow dropping? My suggestion is to simplify, perhaps this way: Gary stifled a frown. Something like that gives the reader his reaction and emotion, but doesn’t involve any tricky staging. Secondly, I deleted “vanity” to avoid an echo from the paragraph before.)

When the brat moved, Gary tensed. Castor prowled closer. Gary rolled to his feet, holding the Stinger steady with two hands. Castor saw his sudden movement and clawed for a his weapon. The brat didn’t have a chance. One shot and Castor crumpled, limbs twitching.

Gary flicked a glance at the storeowner. They stared at each other for a long moment, before the man fled to the back. No one got involved in Elba.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Judi]

I know this is nitpicky, really, and I'm sorry for that. But four of the six paragraphs begin with Gary or Castor. Argh. :)

[Doug]

Part of my 'no' is because it's a generic action scene that not only doesn't raise any story questions, it's all over by the end of the page. There's no reason left for me to turn. Shooting's over, nothing to see here, everyone move along now.

The other part of my 'no' is from the writing. Ray liked the writing; I didn't. You can't please everyone, and in the end it's the author who makes the choice. But I'll detail my complaints. (You knew that was coming, just from the length of this comment.)

*Opening* a story with a participial phrase? Give me a moment to pull the arrow out of my heart.

Castor "wandering" up to the bar probably isn't the verb you were looking for. Wandering is fundamentally aimless.

I couldn't tell whose weapon was displayed in full view. This is the first sentence of a novel, and already you've confused me.

I couldn't tell who was the "man with thirty thousand credits on his head". So two sentences in, I'm doubly confused. The third sentence put the pieces together for me, but I shouldn't have to have been rereading those first two sentences already in an attempt to figure out who was being referred to.

The next sentence starts with "It was". Passive voice.

I agree with Ray about not using the word "preferred". It raises the question of "preferred to what?", and there I go getting confused again.

The second paragraph is better. I'd rather not see "and then" when either "and" or "then" alone would do, but that's being picky. I agree with Ray on the "shifted enough" being vague; it didn't paint any picture for me at all.

I agree with Ray that "revealing the sharpened edge of one canine" wasn't clear. I think you were saying "revealing one sharpened canine", but I'm not sure. Slightly confused again.

Ditto to Ray's comments on the next bits. I won't repeat them.

I didn't understand who "the brat" was. A brat is a child, and Castor has already been described as "a man". Confusion again.

Why is Castor coming over to Gary? What interest does he have in an anonymous drunkard?

Is "prowled" the right verb for what Castor did? The term usually implies stealth, which I can't imagine in this situation. Otherwise, it implies searching, such as for prey, and again that doesn't apply.

In the next-to-last sentence on the page, the comma after "moment" doesn't belong there.

So there we are. Maybe it's just my age, but the writing kept leaving me confused: how was Castor wandering, who was displaying the weapon, who had the price on his head, what did Gary prefer corpse-hauling to, what kind of shifting did Gary do on the floor, what did the sharpened canine edge look like, how did Gary drop his head, who was the brat, how was Castor prowling, and why was Castor approaching Gary in the first place?

[Tamara]

I stumbled over "brat" as well.

If Gary had a last name in the first sentence, like a Dean Koontz beginning, I'd like that.

"Gary Lastname had stalked his bounty across the galaxy to a seedy bar on darkest Elba, where he prepared to take down Castor the CriminalDetail with his cheapest trick."

That's not the best sentence, but that's my humble opinion.

[Jean]

Sorry, this is my genre and I just couldn't get into it. Too many uses of Gary and Castor and even with all the proper names, it was still confusing as to who was doing what in several spots as Doug mentioned.

Upon first read, I thought Gary really was drunk and wondered how he was competent at the end.

The use of "brat" threw me too as I associate that term with unruly children, not grown men.

If Gary is already sprawled on the ground watching his target, how does his head drop?

In the end, Gary already seems to have his target, so there's nothing to entice me to read on.

[Michael]

My no is for a simple reason, though I could give others. The omniscient point-of-view doesn't give me a clear picture of protagonist/antagonist and is simply sloppy, untrained writing. Put us in Gary's head and keep us there for the scene or put us in Castor's head and keep us there for the scene. Put us in both heads and I end up with a headache.

There are other problems, but this alone is enough for rejection. Sometimes, craft is important, and point-of-view is a craft item that needs to be learned.

[Liz P]

Thanks for the feedback. :)

I agree with most of the comments, and I'll see how to straighten it out better. I didn't even notice all the paragraphs starting with a name. lol. And obviously, I need to clarify what I mean with some of my sentences.

So far as the scene being "over", I do hope that people would turn to see if things go horribly awry. Which they do.

The only comment I don't agree with would be that this is in omniscient. It is clearly third-person, limited, in Gary's head. Else I'm sure Ray would have mentioned that it was in both heads and would have corrected me.

[Bernita]

I agree with Ray,I like this, but with caveats.
Though I favour lean 'n mean writing, I think perhaps you have pared it down too much. It's one of my own faults.
The scene is empty of anyone except the two characters until the barkeep bolts.
Where Gary stumbles and sprawls is an opportunity to add a few visual and/or sensory details( snicker from near-by tables, smell of the floor)--as well as a slight jack-up of tension by the delay of impending action between the bounty hunter and his bounty.
The simple fact that it IS a bounty hunter and his bounty makes me expect that things have been too easy and are about to go to hell in a handbasket very soon, so I would read on. Definitely.

[Botanist]

I gave this a "yes" because this sounded like the start of a rollicking good action-packed read.

I can see what others mean with their comments, especially the "brat" bit, but the part I really stumbled over was the second sentence: Any man with thirty thousand credits on his head would do the same. I was fairly sure on first reading that it referred to the gun on display and that Castor was the one with the price on his head, but I had to read on to rid myself of the alternative: that it was Gary who was wanted, and the sitting-with-back-to-wall-watching-carefully was what any man in that position would do.

[Charlie]

I gave this one the thumbs up even though it is not my genre of choice. You got me intrigued and I wanted to read more and that is coming from someone who is normally put off instantly by anything that relates to futuristic space travel, laser swords, magic spells or talking trees. In other words not a big fan of Sci-Fi or Fantasy. So well done!

What I didn't like was "brat". Show me what you mean by brat instead because my guess is that "brat" is interpreted very differently by different readers.

[Christine H]

I agree with Bernita that this is a little too lean. Although I think I've seen this before, haven't I?

I love the vanity gene-splicing. Nice detail with the fang.

I had to read it a second time to figure out that Gary was faking drunkenness.

Sixteen lines is a really, really tough limit to work with. You got a thumbs-up from Ray which is quite an accomplishment!