Friday Fun and Flogometer for Harry—would you turn the page?

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Chapter 22 Church isn't what it used to be

. Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

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Harry’s opening lines:

He stood at the back of the house listening intently. He couldn’t hear any noises. Even the neighbourhood dogs were quiet. No windows were showing a light. Keeping in the shadows, he quietly walked to the door. Taking a large piece of paper out of his pocket, he peeled the backing off, revealing a large square piece of adhesive coated thick paper. He put this on the glass window, smoothing it with his gloved hand until it covered the entire windowpane.

With his fist, he broke the glass, then he stood still, listening. All was quiet, no one had heard the noise. No lights came on in the windows that overlooked the garden. He peeled the paper off the glass, the broken glass adhering to the adhesive instead of falling to the ground; silently he laid it on the ground.

He inserted a gloved hand through the broken pane, turning the latch to open the door. Quickly he went in, shutting the door silently behind him, he stood still for two minutes, listening for any sign of alarm.

Taking a small torch out of his pocket, he swept the light around the room. He was in the kitchen. He didn’t expect to find anything of value here. He opened the only door which led into a hallway. There were two doors in front of him, the front door, and a second, also closed, which he presumed would be a sitting room. To his right he could see a flight of stairs (snip)

Nope

While someone breaking into a house does raise good story questions, craft issues stalled me in this opening. And there was a storytelling issue, too—the narrative spent pages detailing the burgler’s entrance in entirely too much detail, just as the first page did. I’ll suggest a different place for Harry to start his story in a moment with a heavily edited piece from later in the manuscript. Notes:

He stood at the back of the house, listening intently. He couldn’t hear any noises. Even the neighbourhood dogs were quiet. No windows were showing showed a light. Keeping in the shadows, he quietly walked to the a door with a window in it. Taking a large piece of adhesive coated paper out of his pocket, he peeled the backing off and smoothed it with his gloved hand until it covered the entire windowpane. , revealing a large square piece of adhesive coated thick paper. He put this on the glass window, smoothing it with his gloved hand until it covered the entire windowpane.

With his fist, he broke the glass, then he stood still, listening. All was quiet, no one had heard the noise. No lights came on in the windows that overlooked the garden. He peeled the paper off the glass, the broken glass adhering to the adhesive instead of falling to the ground; silently he laid it on the ground. (Just because all was quiet doesn’t mean that no one heard the noise. Someone could have, and was being quiet.)

He inserted a gloved hand through the broken pane, turning and turned the latch to open the door. Quickly He went in, shutting the door silently behind him, he stood still for two minutes, listening and listened for any sign of alarm.

Taking a small torch out of his pocket, he swept the light around the room. He was in the kitchen. He didn’t expect to find anything of value here. He opened a door that the only door which led into a hallway. There were two doors in front of him, the front door, and a second, also closed, which he presumed would be a sitting room. To his right he could see a flight of stairs (snip) (While we do need to set the scene, this kind of detailed photo of the environment isn’t necessary. The character goes upstairs to do his burgling—just go ahead and get him there with a simple transition such as: Upstairs, he …etc.)

A better opening?

I took the following from later in the manuscript and trimmed out the overwriting. Please vote on whether or not you think this has possibilities for a good opening. Note: the writer referred to the burglar as "the intruder" and gave no name. I substituted a pronoun, which causes some antecedent confusion.

A brilliant gash of moonlight streaming through the window illuminated a double bed. He stepped into the room. The bed was empty, but the covers were thrown back as though someone had got out of the bed in a hurry.

Perhaps it was time he left. He turned towards the door.

He froze. In the dark corner behind the door, a barefoot, elderly man in pyjamas sat in a chair. In his lap was a shotgun, pointing directly at him.

He raised his arms above his head. “Please, don’t shoot,” he said, his voice trembling. “I’m not armed, I wouldn’t harm anyone.”

The man didn’t move, didn’t speak.

After a short while, he said, “Can I put my arms down?” Still the man didn’t move, didn’t speak.

The intruder stood motionless for perhaps another minute, then carefully watching the man in the chair, he slowly let his arms fall to his side.

He moved out of the line of fire and stepped to the side of the chair in which the man sat. Still the man didn’t move, didn’t speak.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.

5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Lexi Revellian]

As someone who has wrestled with word echoes, I recognize a fellow sufferer.

Door/doors x6
Glass x 4
Paper x 3
Broken x 2
Front x 2
Large x 2
Adhesive x 2

If this description was shorter as Ray suggests, you'd lose most of the repetition. I'd also recommend Autocrit, which I use to catch the repeated words that have sneaked past me.

[Tamara]

I think the burglar needs a name, if he's a main character in the story.

The first version could be good with simply the addition of a hint about his motivation. You don't have to lay it all out, but some hint gives the reader confidence in the story having some plot, and helps humanize the character.

[Jami G.]

I see one of the major amateur flags flying big-time in the original opening. Sentences that begin with present participle phrases (*ing words) should be RARE.

Here we have 'keeping' and 2 'taking' sentences all in 3/4 of a page. If you don't believe me that it's one of the marks of an amateur, take down a random book from your shelf, open it to a random page and count to see if there are *any* on an average page of a published book.

Also, on the trailing present participle phrases (the ones at the end of a sentence), make sure the actions can actually be simultaneous. Most of yours are okay in this regard ('listening', 'revealing'), but you'll note that Ray changed one for 'turning', as the intruder would need to first insert his hand and then turn the knob.

I used to have tons of these leading present participle phrases until an editor pointed it out to me. Now they bug the hell out of me - I've been well-trained. :) My entire 98K novel has only a handful of these sentences.

[Michael]

I agree completely with Lexi on the word repetitions and with Tamara regarding naming the character if this is, indeed, his story. It's his point-of-view, regardless, so unless there's a dramatic reason not to name him, why not name him? I wasn't biting my nails over who this was.

As for the leading present participle phrases, they can be as right as any other kind of sentence if they fit the situation. Only a handful in 98k words scares me, because I worry there might be a sentence variety issue. Maybe not. This, I'll admit was a knee-jerk reaction (and off-topic to a point).

But I do have to challenge "If you don't believe me that it's one of the marks of an amateur, take down a random book from your shelf, open it to a random page and count to see if there are *any* on an average page of a published book." Just because a book is published doesn't mean it's well-written, or edited, for that matter. A published book could mean anything from a contemporary masterpiece to self-published tripe.