Flogometer for Stacy—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Stacy has sent a prologue and a first chapter. The prologue’s opening lines:

Often there are moments in people’s lives that determine who they are and will become. Most are given a choice; however, I wasn’t, at least not on a conscious level. My choice had already been made up, woven into my genes with no way out of it. My response had been an unconscious, instinctual reaction to the situation. Some people refer to these moments as defining moments, for they determine the path the future will take. However, there are rarely times when that moment changes the future to the point of no return. Usually, there is a way back, or a way to ignore who they really are. Unfortunately, for me, there was no way out; I was who I was.

My defining moment was the night I got into a fight. I was walking home from school when six men attacked me. Their intent was rape and murder. I never had any training or previous knowledge of fighting. However, at that precise moment when the choice came to run or stand and fight, I faded away and something else took over, the instinct. I suddenly knew everything I needed to do to survive. The whole fight I felt as if I were in a dream, and when I gained control again, I realized I had killed all of them.

I was able to survive because I have heightened instincts. The instinct makes a person very strong and helps protect them. After the instinct, a carving on the back of my neck (snip)

The first chapter opening:

My body was asleep, but my mind wasn’t. I could feel and hear everything around me, but I couldn’t move. My body was paralyzed due to the drugs. I kept fighting them. If I won, I could take over the ship and go free. Free…that held a new meaning for me now. According to the Organization, I was no longer a free human; in fact, I was no longer human to them at all. I was infected with their virus, and therefore, I belonged to them. No longer did I have rights; I was their property.

I was on one of the Organization’s research and transport ships heading for Zeranium. Zeranium was a large planet, and the Zeranians were very intelligent beings, so I assume they were going to try to figure out why my body didn’t respond right to the virus. They would then try to find a new way to control me.

Control me, just the thought of that made rage and fury boil up inside of me. Anger was one of my downfalls. Yes, in some ways, it gave me strength, but in another, it was a weakness. I should be able to control my feelings, no matter what they are. I suppose feeling emotions and showing emotions are two different things. My crewmembers rarely saw me angry, except when they broke my one rule. Back then, I had a very good hold on my emotions, but the moment my crewmembers were taken from me was the moment that control snapped.

Too much exposition for me

For this reader, the prologue, while certainly containing interesting stuff, was all explanation, all exposition. It went on that way, the author, using the character, delivering an info dump about the character and the world. I think the way to deliver a character and a world is through what happens, not via a report of some sort.

While the first chapter opens with the character in jeopardy, it, too, quickly devolves into exposition, sliding into more explanation of what this character is rather than showing us. Stacy, while I found the things you are imagining for this world and character interesting, and like much of the voice, the first chapter was still way to explanatory. It isn’t easy to weave backstory and world-building into a narrative (I’m struggling with just that on a rewrite of one of my novel’s openings), but you have to learn to do it.

Try starting with the first chapter with her in a situation that puts her into jeopardy. As it is, you explain what has happened to her, provide her with weapons, etc. The end of the chapter raised the first interesting story question, right after she discovered the weapons intended for her. You might want to try starting with the mystery of the weapons left for her and the entrance of whoever that was.

Oh, and watch out for mixing present and past tense.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Deb]

Very interesting story line, but I prefer showing instead of telling.

[Doug]

I'm with Ray: the writing style is almost all 'telling' instead of 'showing'.

The writing felt unpolished, too. Passive verbs are a big problem. In one group of three consecutive sentences--the last two of the first paragraph and the first sentence of the second paragraph of Chapter 1--the phrase "I was" appears five times.

Some other things that bothered me: repetition of words and phrases, repetition of sentence structure, repetition of thoughts, explanation of things that didn't need explaining (give us readers some credit), and misused punctuation.

The "I could feel and hear" in the first sentence of Chapter 1 also grated on me, since "could" implies "but didn't" or "was an option I was considering". Changing it to "I felt and heard" makes the writing cleaner.

The concept (the 'novum') introduced in the Chapter 1 page is interesting, but the presentation just didn't work for me.

[Christine Mattice]

I agree that this story had way to much telling and no showing. Too many passive verbs also bogged this chapter down.

[Bree]

I also agree that this story is all telling, no showing. I don't want to hear the narrator tell me about what happens when she (rarely) gets angry. I want to see/experience her rage.

I find that when I'm writing about a world that is very different than our own, which it seems Stacy is doing, it helps to ask myself whenever I start explaining things whether or not the reader really needs to know this fact *rightnow*. Usually, I find that I can leave it until later or work it in through dialogue if it's really essential. How much do we need to know about the Zeranians right now? I would argue not a lot. We need to know what the danger of the situation is and we need to SEE how our narrator reacts to this.

[Michael]

I would say no because of the reasons Ray gave and more. The writing is trying to hard to be IMPORTANT, rather than showing and telling a story. Honestly, I wanted to know who I was reading about and didn't get a clue at all. In fact, we don't even know the narrator's gender for certain (men can and have been raped), let alone any clues to age, setting, etc.