Flogometer for MZ—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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MZ’s opening lines:

I stared at the ceiling, my eyes pried open. My heart rattled in my chest but even my frenetic pulse couldn’t keep my eyelids from falling. My fingers traced the two-inch scar on my chest as I tried to remember the pain. The memories usually warded off the sleep with ease, but on the third straight night their powers waned.

The darkness had never felt so intoxicating before. I should have switched the light on, forced myself in front of the television, downed another espresso, but I didn’t have the strength for any of it. My eyes drifted closed. I didn’t realize it was happening until it was done. Anxious electricity ran through my gut. It felt good though, to smother my vision. It felt sublime. Maybe it wouldn’t happen this time. Maybe this insanity would end as abruptly as it began. My eyes remained blissfully shut and I floated into a place bereft of time or thought.

I awoke with a start.

I was wrong.

It happened again. My room was gone. I was not lying on a spring mattress but on a bed of thorny shrubs and flowers. Thick vines covered the ground and wound around massive trees. Lush sheets of leaves hung from high branches like curtains and birds squawked and sung from the green canopy overhead.

Yeah, I could do this

In terms of raising a story question strong enough to make me wonder what happens next, a guy being transported from his bed to a jungle setting is hard to resist. There’s a little bit of a logic problem for me, which I’ll get to, but it’s definitely an interesting set-up. Notes:

I stared at the ceiling, my eyes pried open. My heart rattled in my chest but even my frenetic pulse couldn’t keep my eyelids from falling. My fingers I traced the two-inch scar on my chest as I tried to remember the pain. The memories usually warded off the sleep with ease, but on the third straight night their powers had waned. (The opening sentence suggests that there’s light, but the next paragraph says it’s dark. So why is he staring at the ceiling? Are his eyes really pried open? With what? By whom? I changed the fingers reference because I think it’s best to have the character do things rather than autonomous parts of his body. The third straight night of what? Staying awake? If he’s been up for two nights and three days, that’s information we need to understand his situation.)

The Darkness had never felt so intoxicating before. I should have switched the light on, forced myself in front of the television, downed another espresso, but I didn’t have the strength for any of it. My eyes drifted closed. I didn’t realize it was happening until it was done. Anxious electricity ran through my gut. It felt good, though, to smother my vision. It felt sublime. Maybe it wouldn’t happen this time. Maybe this insanity would end as abruptly as it had begun began. My eyes remained blissfully shut and I floated into a place bereft of time or thought. (Internal logic problem: if he’s so deathly afraid of falling asleep, then what is he doing lying on a bed in the dark? I can’t think of anything more conducive to sleep. His behavior is inconsistent with his fears. Instead, have him turn on the TV, have him do everything he can to stay awake, but he still loses. Sorry, but “anxious electricity” was a little over the top for me and took me out of the story. And wouldn’t that kind of strong sensation open his eyes?)

I awoke with a start.

I was wrong.

It happened again. My room was gone. I was not lying on a spring mattress but on a bed of thorny shrubs and flowers. Thick vines covered the ground and wound around massive trees. Lush sheets of leaves hung from high branches like curtains and birds squawked and sung from the green canopy overhead. (How would “thorny shrubs” form a bed? When I think of a shrub, it’s upright, its branches spreading out and up. A bed would be on the ground and sorta flat, wouldn’t it? Writers need to work hard at imagining experiencing what they describe to be sure it makes literal sense.)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Doug]

A definite 'yes' from me. Hey, you guys probably thought I never said 'yes', huh?

But I have to agree with Ray's comments. And I'll add a few more of my own.

As much as I jump on participial phrases around here, that's just when they're misused or there are better alternatives. That first sentence would actually be better with a participial phrase to replace "my eyes pried open". Something like:
- I stared at the unlit ceiling of my bedroom, fighting to keep my eyes open.

You'll notice I added a few words there to provide a sense of place and to deal with Ray's concern about the lighting.

I did want to know why the protagonist didn't have the strength to get up and move into a less threatening environment, but I was willing to wait to hear about that.

The two one-sentence paragraphs in a row didn't work for me. The general rule is that paragraphs other than dialogue have multiple sentences. A single-sentence paragraph is useful for unveiling a big twist or shift. You have such a shift here, but it needs to be in just one single-sentence paragraph.

The choice of those particular two sentences didn't really work for me, either. The second one, "I was wrong," is too late, and we (the readers) don't know what the protagonist is wrong about. There have been two sentences and an extra paragraph since that subject was being discussed.

I'd suggest something more like this:
- It felt good, though, to smother my vision. It felt sublime. My eyes remained blissfully shut and I floated into a place bereft of time or thought. Maybe it wouldn’t happen this time. Maybe this insanity would end as abruptly as it had begun began.
- It wasn't to be.
- I awoke with a start and my room was gone. I was not lying...

Anyway, good work.

[Doug]

Aargh. Scratch out the "began" in that final suggestion. That was from copying the strike-out text from Ray's mark-up. Sloppy work on my part.

[Dan]

I think there's a lot of fat on this page. The first two paragraphs can probably be trimmed into two or three punchy sentences.

The character has been awake for days, and he can't fight sleep any longer. And when he passes out, something bad is going to happen.

That's really about all you need, filtered through the voice. The second paragraph is mostly dead-weight. You've got a lot of "telling" there. It's not really evocative. Consider trying to be stark.

You'd improve this a lot by pulling it in really tight. Readers know what it's like to be very tired and to fall asleep, and there's really nothing here that makes that process seem fresh. You're better off describing it quickly. He's awake and then he isn't. The heavy eyelids seem very familiar. Likewise the "floating off" into slumber.

The pounding heart seems like a cliche, and can go. I am sure the scar is significant, but it doesn't need to be established here.

If you want to raise the stakes, consider having the narrator doing something more extreme than chugging espresso to keep himself awake. Maybe he's smoking crystal meth or cutting himself with razor blades.

Showing us that he's willing to wreck his body to keep himself awake makes us dread what will happen when he inevitably falls asleep.

[Ryan. W]

Personally, I don't agree with some of Dan's comments, but maybe I'm just being picky.

Firstly, I don't think it's really needed to have the character taking excessive amounts of drugs and cutting himself up with blades.(Unless of course, the character has problems with the mind). People, from real life, whom have Insomnia, do not do these things, so why do so here?

The things he is doing to keep himself awake are also naturally sound, and is what people in real-life would do. However, I might take a couple of jogs up and down the street to keep my from drifting off, myself.

Finally, I saw someone comment on the touching of the scar, but can't seem to find it again after re-reading the comments - weird. It suggested that it be scrapped. Though, I think it raises a quick, short story question. It makes me want to read on and discover how it was received.

[Marcel]

Personally, I liked the scar. It's economical back story. I'd keep it.

I think you received great feedback. The set-up was intriguing and, like Ray, I liked the idea of someone waking up in another place. The more exotic, the better.

However, like Dan, I thought you could do some trimming. There were places where this could be streamlined a bit (and I loved Dan's idea of the crystal meth or slashing of the wrists if that can be worked in--the espresso clashes for me. I thought of a yuppie stopping by Starbucks, or something like that).

I found the plethora of adjectives distracting and, for me, didn't add to the overall enjoyment of the piece (i.e. frenetic, drifted, anxious, blissfully, thick, massive, lush, high, etc). Which brings me to another thought. That last paragraph included very vague descriptions. You used: thorny shrubs and flowers; thick vines and massive trees; etc. Why not describe the surrounding in greater detail or use actual species names for the flora? Just a thought.

Good start. Good luck.

[Lexi Revellian]

Ray's covered all the points I'd have raised.

Myself, I'd change 'I awoke with a start' because it's a bit of a cliché.