Flogometer for Liz—would you turn the page?

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Update I've a post up on Writer Unboxed about the value of reading your work aloud.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Liz answered my call for submissions with three first chapters (many thanks!). Here’s this one’s opening lines:

“I’m bored.”

Gaia flicked an annoyed glance at the Ishtar, hissing for silence.

The Ishtar stretched, spine and shoulders rolling sinuously beneath honey-colored skin. “Whatever are you worried about? We’ve been hiding here for hours,” he drawled.

Gaia clenched her fingers around the yew bow until her knuckles whitened. “Would you be quiet?” she whispered. “The Derki will hear you.”

“We’re not that close.” He cocked his head. “I doubt they can hear us at all.”

“Be quiet.”

His mouth shut with a snap. Gaia swore under her breath. She should try to be nice to him. An Ishtar was distracting enough without arguing with one; their powerful warding disrupted even the simplest elemental.

“This is foolish.”

“Ákos, hush.”

His eyes narrowed, but he quieted again. Gaia shook her head. She straightened and crept a few feet closer, eyes pinned to the distant horizon. Black domes lay at the edge of the plain, illuminated by the setting sun and wreathed in thick smoke: the tents of the enemy.

Nope

Many things are right—clean writing, a scene—but, for me, not much in the way of tension. If one of the characters is bored, how much jeopardy can there be, anyway? It turns out the Ishtar is being childish, but we don’t know that on the first page.

Nor do we know what the Derki are, so that’s not a threat. It turns out that they’re pretty nasty. Here’s a paragraph from the second page:

Derki raiders had gutted and slain most of the neighboring village, devouring the sheep and human carcasses alike.

Now, if I’d known that, I’d be feeling a little more tension. Perhaps the opening could start there. Now let’s add a paragraph from the opening page:

Gaia crept closer, eyes gaze pinned to the distant horizon. Black domes lay at the edge of the plain, illuminated by the setting sun and wreathed in thick smoke: the tents of the enemy.

Then we’ll add another piece from page two:

In the midst of the chaos, even a maiden could serve as a scout. Her bow and lessons for its use had alike been gifts from her grandfather. Not that she had much skill in it. But a scout was meant to be silent and quick. If the Derki did spot her, she would never return home anyway.

Okay, now I’m interested in this character and her situation, and we’ve used 8 lines. Now let’s introduce another element, using 6 lines from page 1:

“I’m bored.”

Gaia hissed at the Ishtar for silence. (If she’s scared, her glance wouldn’t just be “annoyed,” so I cut that.)

The Ishtar stretched, spine and shoulders rolling sinuously beneath honey-colored skin. “Whatever are you worried about? We’ve been hiding here for hours,” he drawled.

Gaia clenched her fingers around the yew bow until her knuckles whitened. “Would you be quiet?” she whispered. “The Derki will hear you.”

And we have two lines left with which to hook the reader on the first page. Just to make this exercise easier to read, here’s the reconstruction in one piece.

Derki raiders had gutted and slain most of the neighboring village, devouring the sheep and human carcasses alike.

Gaia crept closer, gaze pinned to the distant horizon. Black domes lay at the edge of the plain, illuminated by the setting sun and wreathed in thick smoke: the tents of the enemy.

In the midst of the chaos, even a maiden could serve as a scout. The bow and lessons for its use had alike been gifts from her grandfather. Not that she had much skill in it. But a scout was meant to be silent and quick. If the Derki did spot her, she would never return home anyway.

“I’m bored.”

Gaia hissed at the Ishtar for silence.

The Ishtar stretched, spine and shoulders rolling sinuously beneath honey-colored skin. “Whatever are you worried about? We’ve been hiding here for hours,” he drawled.

Gaia clenched her fingers around the yew bow until her knuckles whitened. “Would you be quiet?” she whispered. “The Derki will hear you.”

What do you think?

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Bree]

Another benefit to what Ray has done with the edits is that now the scene starts out in a clear setting, with a defined character. So instead of starting with unattributed dialogue (who's talking? where are they? why should I care about him/her/it?), I have a context that is meaningful and a point of narration that I can relate to.

I would read *this* book.

[Sandra Almazan]

I personally would prefer to hear about Gaia first instead of the raiders. What if we switched the first two paragraphs of Ray's revision around?

[Doug]

The following rant is not just about this one submission:

Why do I have to say this on so many of the submissions here? Maybe if I put it in all-caps. WRITERS: THINK LONG AND HARD BEFORE DECIDING TO START A SCENE WITH A LINE OF DIALOGUE. Especially unattributed dialogue.

We, the readers, haven't a freakin' CLUE who is speaking, who they're speaking to, where they are, or what the context is. You, the writer, know all that so it makes sense to you. WE don't, and the line of dialogue just hangs there like an anonymous clump of mud floating in the dark vacuum of space.

IF you can make the dialogue convey what we need to know to make sense of it, or IF the dialogue is immensely intriguing on its own, sometimes you can get away with this. 99% of the time, you're confusing your readers while THROWING AWAY YOUR CHANCE at having a really great opening line for your story.

Whew. Now I feel better, and I can move on to give a review of this specific submission.

[Doug]

A big, big problem: the reader isn't told what the reader needs to know to visualize what is going on. A few chapters into the book, this scene could work. On the first page, no way.

The first line is unattributed dialogue that tells us nothing about the speaker, the person being spoken to, the setting, or the context (see my rant above). Beyond that, I think that "I'm bored" is a finalist in the contest for the most unexciting and uninteresting opening line possible.

I didn't know who Gaia was. Male? Female? Human? Otherwise?

I didn't know what an Ishtar was. Is it an alien species, a nationality, a title like Mayor or Cardinal? Is it human? If not, what does it look like?

It's only the second sentence, and already there's an unnecessary participial phrase. Furthermore, it's confusing. Who was hissing: Gaia or Ishtar? Presumably it was the one who spoke, but we don't know who that was. Either of these would be better:
-Gaia flicked an annoyed glance at the Ishtar and hissed for silence.
-Gaia flicked an annoyed glance at the Ishtar, who hissed for silence.

Since I had no idea what an Ishtar is, the "spine and shoulders rolling sinuously beneath honey-colored skin" didn't paint any picture for me. This would have been a fine description if I knew that the Ishtar looked like a lizard, a human, a tiger, an elephant, King Kong, or whatever. But I don't, so I can't imagine what the action looked like.

I didn't know what a Derki is, either, but I didn't have to visualize them here so that's not a big deal.

Overall, there was almost nothing that I could visualize on this opening page. Yes, it's often hard to get the readers "up to speed" in the speculative fiction genres without infodumping or introducing point-of-view problems, but it must be done.

[Jami G.]

I agree with Sandra. I'd switch the first 2 paragraphs of Ray's suggestion. The Derki sentence feels too much like telling for an opening sentence. But it fits after the intro of Gaia looking at the enemy because then it's explaining *who* the enemy is.

[Christine H]

I absolutely loved this! I just finished reading two Terry Brooks novels in six days and this was right up the same alley - a human trying to accomplish an important task while in the company of an annoying, detached magical creature. I do agree that unattributed dialogue can be problematic, but I didn't think it was here.

I thought it was perfect and want to know when the rest of the manuscript is ready and can I be a beta reader, please?

[Christine H]

P.S. Liz - email me. hanorja at yahoo dot com.

[Doug]

Ya know, I tend to come off sounding harsh in my reviews here, and probably especially so on this one. (The bit with the all-caps didn't help, but that wasn't just about Liz's entry.)

Liz, for later in the book this is a pretty good scene. Yeah, the initial line of dialogue and the ambiguous participial phrase would annoy me a bit, and I agree with Ray's in-line comments, but most people wouldn't be bothered by any of it. Overall, it's a good scene. It just doesn't work at all as an *opening* scene for me.

[Botanist]

I gave this a "yes" (a) because it piqued my interest and (b) because I felt the writing was clean and strong enough to reassure me that the writer wouldn't let me down.

I happen to think that there are many different ways a first page can be effective. Action and tension are good, but not the whole story.

For my own part, I felt the original worked better than the alternative. In the original, I felt an immediate connection with Gaia, something that was lost by bringing forward the later paragraphs, which were more "telling". Also, I got more than enough sense of tension from Gaia's stance and I had a strong feeling of being endangered by a liability of an accomplice.

If I get a good sense from the writing then I'm happy to be more patient. I'd read on to find answers to some of the questions, like who are the Derki?

[James]

Personally I don't believe that the FIRST page is what draws the reader in. For me, it's more the opening paragraph.

An opening paragraph of "I'm bored" with no attributions, nor a description of where it has taken place, doesn't draw me in at all.

I think a good opening paragraph is a slab of narrative that invites the reader in. Closing more doors than it opens, leaving the reader no option than to move on to uncover the secrets within.

Best, James