Flogometer for Liz—would you turn the page?

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You might enjoy my post on Writer Unboxed about the value of reading your work aloud.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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This time Liz has sent a prologue and first chapter. Here are the prologue’s opening lines:

With a smack, another drop slapped his face. Chax grimaced, licking at the stray moisture, but it eluded him. It slithered across his forehead, trailing wet kisses in the crease of his face, before pooling beneath his chin. He shivered and shifted as far as his bonds would allow.

If he turned his head, the water would splatter the back of his neck. A nice change of pace. The dripping water followed the same relentless path as it had for over four hours. His damp shirt clung to him like a sodden rag. His hair plastered to his skull as if recoiling from the conditions.

His wings were the only part of him not confined in the tight space. Instead, they were stretched out in full spread, the talon-like dewclaws lashed to metal rings on either side of him. Chax had given up imagining what purpose the rings had after the third day; it only made him nauseated.

The wings throbbed in a constant ache. Holding that type of position for very long, with the membrane stretched as tight as a tympani drum, left the muscles cramping.

The maroon span had fascinated his captors. Seeing their shriveled pseudo-wings, Chax could guess why. They had quickly found the right touch on his wings could make him weep in pain, or moan in pleasure. Bad combination either way.

Another splash traced the well-worn path. He huffed at the advancing wetness. Besides ruffling his hair, his breaths had no effect. The tickle of the water made him sneeze.

The first chapter opening:

"What makes a rogue?"

Gyas halted in mid-lecture. His sigh would have been a sharp rebuke, expect it was the third one in the last fifteen minutes. "You ask too many questions."

Azrael shrugged. "Since this thing in the Atlantic, I hear ‘rogue’ more often. Do we really understand them?”

Gyas sighed again. "Gossip. Curiosity. Or both?"

Azrael hesitated. The lowest Elder often asked rhetorical questions interspersed with the real, and expected him to know the difference.

Gyas scowled at his silence and snapped. "A rogue comes when someone other than alpha turns human into Altered. When an alpha is suddenly killed. When the alpha is weak. When an Altered reaches the high-Altered state, with no one to set the weaving."

Azrael nodded. To become Sentinel, he had reached high-Altered state, with Gethon to "set the weaving" as Gyas put it. The careful set of conscious and subconscious guidelines was built into the telepathic web. It helped safeguard the balance between Altered instinct and human consciousness. "Only four though?"

Gyas swore under his breath. "Only four. All others fall under one of those. Now, may I continue, student?"

Didn’t quite get me there

While I like how the narrative is written, in an easy, flowing style and with a confident voice, neither piece was truly compelling to this reader. The prologue came close. It seems to be the start of a good scene, and there is tension in the fact that Chax is bound, and a good story question in that he has wings. But Chax doesn’t seem worried, which lowers the tension created by his imprisonment. The narrative spends time on water drops when it could be including elements to help me believe that Chax is in danger, or that Chax is someone I want to know more about, etc.

The first chapter is trying to do something that’s difficult—to use terms like rogue, alpha, Altered, and Sentinel in the natural way that a character would, that is, without explanation, in a way that informs the reader. For me, there was just too much undefined too soon. None of those four terms mean anything to me. It might be possible for Azrael to give us those definitions as he absorbs the information that Gyas give him—but I would question doing all this exposition when the task at hand is not to flesh out the world so much as it is to hook us on the story. And that’s something that we don’t get to in the opening of the first chapter, a hint of what the story is about. I think it needs to start later and for these explanations to come when we encounter the various types in the story.

Oh, Liz, one little continuity glitch in the prologue that I noticed: his hair is plastered to his skull, yet his breaths ruffle his hair—that seems unlikely if it’s plastered to his skull.

Thank you again for sending your work, and I hope the comments are helpful.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Doug]

Prologue:

Not quite. Content-wise, there was a bit too much water detail and not enough story detail. But the writing was the main thing that put me off.

Participial phrases are being used to do the work of verbs, when they're adjectives. Some example fixes:
- Chax grimaced and licked at the stray moisture, but it eluded him. It slithered across his forehead, trailed wet kisses in the crease of his face, and pooled beneath his chin.

I didn't understand the "*If* he turned his head." This sounds like he didn't turn his head, but the next sentence suggests that he did.

"A nice change of pace" does not (in my opinion) gain anything by being a sentence fragment. Also, the word "nice" doesn't seem appropriate in this context.

The simile in "His damp shirt clung to him like a sodden rag" seemed redundant. I think that most of us could better imagine the clinging of a damp shirt than the clinging of a sodden rag, and a damp shirt isn't all that different from a sodden rag, anyway.

When I got to the part about his wings being spread out, I got confused. The earlier descriptions, of dripping water running across his forehead and of getting the water to hit the back of his neck by turning his head, suggested to me that he was lying on his side. I can't reconcile the two positions.

I don't think the word "Instead" adds anything to the sentence about his wings being stretched out.

"The wings" probably should be "His wings". The phrase "type of position" could be shortened to simply "position". A tympani is a drum, so "tympani drum" is redundant. And again, "the muscles" probably should be "his muscles".

The next paragraph is a jumble of sentence subjects. We start out with Chax's wings, switch to Chax, then to his captors, and the pronouns get lost in the mix. That paragraph also contains two uses of "could", and the second one is pretty clearly superfluous. The comma after "pain" doesn't belong there.

The final paragraph on the page doesn't seem to add anything.

The scene certainly raises the story questions of who Chax is, who his captors are, and why he's being held. But the writing doesn't draw that out as well as it could. Besides, it's a prologue and probably will be skipped by many readers.

[Doug]

Chapter 1:

Opening with unattributed dialogue. That earned an immediate "no" from me.

In the second paragraph, "expect" should be "except".

In Azrael's line, "Do we really understand them", who's "them"? Nothing plural has been mentioned.

Gyas's response should use commas rather than periods.

Point-of-view seems to be all over the place. From the opening it seems that we're in Gyas's PoV, but in the fifth paragraph we're clearly in Azrael's PoV, in the next paragraph it seems we're back in Gyas's PoV, in the paragraph after that we're obviously back in Azrael's PoV, and the final paragraph on the page seems to be in Gyas's PoV.

If you're going for third-person omniscient, you really need to introduce your narrator at the beginning and let him/her start telling the story. That way we know what's going on.

Gyas's explanation of rogues in the sixth paragraph is completely disorienting.

By the end of the page, I was thoroughly confused rather than intrigued.

[Kelly]

Doug: never correct grammar in dialogue unless it's complete gibberish or the character speaking is an English teacher. And the PoV flowed quite clearly for me, but then again, I've read quite a bit of omniscient (which does not always require an intrusive, clearly visible narrator).

[Tamara]

The prologue was interesting enough, and I agree with Ray's comments. What is nice about the prologue is it's a scene, easy to see.

The chapter opening, however, was difficult for me to read. All the odd names and terms were taxing on my brain. Also, it feels like exposition changed into a scene by splitting it into dialogue and adding tension. I know Donald Maass recommends doing this, but this reader prefers her exposition undisguised.

[Ray Rhamey]

As to POV: in the chapter opening, we are clearly in Azrael's point of view, and there's NOTHING to suggest differently. It is not omniscient,but close third person. Examine it more carefully. There are Azreal's internal monologue bits that clearly place the point of view as his.

[Jeannie]

There is definitely potential and I find the angel in chains very curious. But the interesting part to me never really revealed.

In the first paragraph, water has the leading role. It slaps, slithers, and kisses. I want an immediate understanding of his situation, and this seems light-hearted. The guy is chained up and being held captive, yet he's trying to evade water drops. There's a story here -- but I'm confused about how he feels about being held captive.

For the first chapter, it's asking me to immediately delve into a world I don't yet care about. I need to connect to the characters first.

[Ryan. W]

I don't know why anyone hasn't pointed this out yet. But every paragraph begins with Gyas or Azrael, excluding the unattributed dialogue in the opening.

The Prologue however did intrigue me, so I gave this a 'yes', though, a 'no' is given to the first chapter.

I couldn't really understand what was being described on the 6th paragraph either, I think I got myself lost in quite the maze.

Now, I'm not a very experienced writer, but I don't think it's very hard to point out obvious flaws. Especially ones that I make on my own.

Ryan

[Marcel]

Despite an intriguing set-up (a guy with wings tied up), I voted no for both. The prologue seems overwritten to me (the slapping, slithering, kissing, etc). Plus, as mentioned, there is no tension in what could/should be a tension filled situation.

The first chapter seemed like exposition disguised as dialogue. I didn't buy that the student who asked the question didn't already know part or the entire answer given by the teacher.

The beats (the shrugging, nodding, scowling and hesitating) all suggest omniscient POV to me. If this were close 3rd person, then one of the characters should already have become a "he" instead of continually being referred to as Azreal or Gyas to open paragraphs. That's the clearest indication that this is likely omniscient. Although as you point out Ray, everything else on the page seems to be Azreal's internal monologue (although that's debatable as it's confusing since I'm not anchored to who is who really), so to me, it can't be deduced yet that this is close 3rd person. Once one of the characters becomes a "he", then I'll feel anchored to POV. Right now, I'm with Doug and Kelly that this appears to be omniscient POV (ie. the evidence is stronger for that case).

Liz, the prologue is intriguing (and contrary to what Doug says, readers read prologues--agent Nathan Bransford had an informal poll on this recently, and the vast majority of writers and readers who surf his website said they do read them). I suggest inserting more tension to it. What are the stakes for Chax? Make the reader care right away what happens to him.

I'm unsure what to suggest for chapter 1. It seems that you may be beginning the story too soon (which is my generic reply when stories begin with background and exposition).

Good luck with it. Like I said, I like the premise.

[Liz P]

Thanks for the suggestions, everyone.

I did some reworking with the advice. Clearly, I waited too long for the tension in the prologue to show up. And too much water. lol. So I cut and adjusted so I mentioned the danger/tension more quickly.

Ch. 1 I also reworked, to move the important info (about rogues) to a later place. So far as using their names, I originally had "he" here and there, but I was told it was too confusing. Since Gyas andn Azrael (and soon, Gethon) are all male, so "he" was too generic to be clear who was who.

Hmm. I'll see if I can improve that, without making it unclear who is involved.

[Doug]

Ray, you might have seen the first page of Chapter 1 as clearly being in Azrael's PoV, but I didn't.

There's no question that paragraphs 5 and 7 are in close third-person with Azrael. But there are other parts that seem to be from Gyas's PoV, and that's why I thought this seemed omniscient.

1: The first person mentioned in the chapter is Gyas. This is a hint that Gyas *might* be the PoV character. By itself, this is nothing.

2: In paragraph 2, "His sigh would have been a sharp rebuke" seems to be from Gyas's PoV, which would confirm the hint.

3: In paragraph 6, "Gyas scowled at his silence", and only Gyas would know why he scowled.

4: In paragraph 8 (the final paragraph), "Gyas swore under his breath," something that only Gyas would know.