Flogometer for Jennifer—would you turn the page?

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But first, about why we’re doing this

I came across a reminder of the importance of FtQ’s focus on the first page in the Editorial Ass blog. The title is Why the first page of your manuscript is so dang important

The gist of it; this editor at a publishing house says that she wants to buy manuscripts, but . . .

When I read submission after submission after submission -- which, let's face it, is every day -- my mind starts to dull. My eyes begin to glaze from all the white on black. My butt begins to hurt from sitting. I'm pretty hungry (because I'm always pretty hungry), and this is making me cranky. As the day wears on, I get irritable. The reading gets faster, and the disappointments stack up more quickly.

There are different reasons they don't fit the bill -- maybe the content doesn't interest me personally; maybe I don't like the writer's style; maybe there's nothing special about the book, it's just adequate.

Or maybe it's a beautiful, perfect, exquisite book, exactly the book I've always dreamed of publishing. But I'll never know, because the first page was CRAP.

Above all things, YOU MUST BE SPECIAL.

Assume whoever is reading your submission is going to be in a terrible mood when they look at page 1.

You just don't have until page 2.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Jennifer has sent a prologue and a first chapter. The prologue (all of it):

My name is Lily which I always thought that was a total joke. Lillies are pretty and I was just an ugly, scrawny thing. My mother is dead. She died while having me which is really a sucky way to be born. When I was 13 I decided that the only way to save us all was to find out the truth. To make it right. I was going to find out who killed her and then that person would have to pay for what they did. If I killed her, if I really and honestly killed my mother then there was only one thing for me to do:. Forcing my grandparents and my dad to look at me every single day, it just didn’t seem right. So, I went out there to my swamp and I looked right up at the sky and I promised that I would find out who killed her and whoever that person was, I would kill them. Even if it was me.

Now the first chapter opening:

Growing up, I lived with my father. He was and still is a big huge guy who works a lot and never gets paid “his due.” His ruddy cheeks and red nose would look more at home on a leprechaun. He left for work every morning at 5:30 am and came home every day at 5 pm. He wears a baseball hat every day and he is never, ever not smoking. Like a chimney.

I used to think that if my mother were there, she would say that. She would say a lot of things, but she would definitely say that. “Oh, dear, you smoke like a chimney.” Her voice would be soft and it would sound like she was singing when she said it. My mother would be one of those moms that has long hair and doesn’t wear makeup. She would be all-natural. Sort of like that stupid commercial where the ladies are singing that song? “All natural woman.” Every time he lit up, I would think of her as that song ran through my head.

I guess it doesn’t matter what she would say or what she would sound like. She’s dead and buried. I used to wish I could go visit her grave or something. Truth is, back then, I didn’t know where she was buried or if she was even in the ground. I wasn’t allowed to talk about her. Not to my father, not to her parents. We lived behind my grandparents back then. They have miles and miles of land and we lived right on it in a camper. Which really just convinced me more that I had something to do with her dying. No matter how many times my dad would try to tell me I was wrong, I just didn’t believe him. Something in his eyes was screaming at me, “IT (snip)

I liked the voice, but . . .

The prologue was brief enough to probably actually be read even thought it isn’t a scene. But the first chapter opening with exposition and backstory pretty much stopped me. The rest of the chapter is much the same, lots of backstory and info, and then there’s a scene where the heroine meets a new girl in church. Still no tension. Jennifer, I’d urge you to start the novel where the girl meets the new girl in the country store—and that should lead quickly (on the first page) to some kind of tension. You need to get to what your character wants in this story (in the main narrative) and block it so that she has to struggle.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Random Reader]

Although I tend to shy away from prologues, I think yours was actually very, very effective: Short, tense, and tremendous emotional impact. It did exactly what a prologue is supposed to: Pull me in, give me just enough backstory to catch my interest, and make me eager to jump in and begin "the story."

Unfortunately, what followed next was a big let-down. There just wasn't anything "happening". No trigering event, no scene, no tension, no immediate drama, nothing. Just more backstory and internal rumination from our lead character.

Not to say it's not interesting material -- it is. But I think you need to open on a scene with something clearly at stake, some conflict, tension, and immediate drama that shows us the character 'in action'.

Your prologue does such a great job of economically setting the mood. Use that same economy to immediately insert the reader into a scene with impact, and you'll have a fantastic opening.

Best of luck!

[Dan]

If the book is about the character looking for her mother's killer, then it should start with the revelation that her mother might have been murdered. This murder may ultimately be the MC's fantasy, but it's still the hook and it still seems like the the way into the story.

If the book is not about that, I think you should drop the prologue entirely. If the book is about that, you should incorporate the substance of it into the narrative.

The subtext, the fact that her father and her grandparents may resent and blame her for the mother's death, are things that should be shown, not told.

The fact that she internalizes that by blaming herself is also something that should be revealed in a way that has immediacy and impact, rather than laid out as back story.

I also think you should trim back the fragments and cliches. These things may be organic to the voice, but you'll find you can cut back quite a bit on the colloquialisms and still preserve that essence.

The good news is that I don't see the clunky phrases and malapropisms that tend to show up in a lot of novice writers' pages. I think you've got a good ear for language and strong fundamentals on the sentence level. If you improve the narrative structure, this could be really sharp.

[JR Tomlin]

Really great prologue. As others have said, the first chapter doesn't live up to it although the writing is competent enough that I would give it at least a little more time to develop.

[Ryan. W]

I don't think there's anything more to add on from what others have said.

The prologue pulls me in and makes me want to read more. So, I would give it a second chance, and find a place in the book where the exposition and back story stops.

I really would love to know why the girl isn't sure if she's the one who has killed her Mother or not. The prologue seems to make for a really good story, well done.

[Christine H]

I thought the main character sounded confused. She is contradicting himself by saying that her mom died in childbirth, which is a definite statement of fact, and then saying that she is looking for her mom's killer. It makes me think that the MC has rather a loose grip on reality, and that this is going to be a psychological novel about a emotionally retarded teenager coming to grips with her lack of a mother figure.

Which sounds rather dreary to me, but I know that there are people who really like that kind of book. I just wanted you to know how I interpreted it. There is an interesting story question in why the MC feels so emotionally abandoned even with her father and grandparents around, and why she feels the need to save everyone by finding out the truth. Save them from what? Clearly this stress she is under is not just affecting her. So that might make me curious enough to read a little further.

[Christine H]

Apparently I, too, am confused. I meant "herself" not "himself".

[glj]

I agree with the previous comments. The prologue really caught my interest, as it presents a compelling conflict. And you give me an immediate sense of the narrator, a young girl who feels guilt for something she could not control and feels emotionally punished by her family. And maybe she doesn't have a strong grasp of reality as a result. However, as others have noted, the beginning of chapter 1 loses that urgency.

GLJ

[Bernita]

I agree with the rest. Really excellent prologue and a dull chapter beginning.

[Christine H]

After musing on this for a while, I wondered if there was some way that the mother could have been murdered while in the hospital. Poison in the i.v., or too much anesthetic. If that is what Lily is thinking, then it would be intriguing, but we'd need to know right away that there was some kind of basis for her suspicion. And who might have a reason to kill her mother.

Perhaps I've just watched too many reruns of "Diagnosis: Murder" with my grandmom.

[Michael]

I voted no for two reasons. First was the prologue, which apparently I'm in the minority about. I loved the voice. No two ways about it. The narrative voice is super. But a long paragraph of jammed together thoughts without consideration of punctuation and readability was uncomfortable for me. The prologue read like something she's been thinking for a long time and looked like something rushing out because it needs to be said right now. The dichotomy of this was offputting.

The second reason is what everyone else is commenting on. The interalizing of everything. I want to see some action, laced with internalization, perhaps, but not all internalization.