Flogometer for Christy—would you turn the page?

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Christy’s opening lines:

Rachel West shed the heavy tour schedule like a winter coat. Rolling her shoulders, she blinked and shielded her eyes from the early morning sun with her hand. I need some coffee, she thought.

No doubt the other members of the world-famous rock band JVC needed coffee too. Joe staggered out first, with Vaughn close at his heels, digging in his shirt pocket for his aviator sunglasses.

Vaughn yawned. “Great googly-moogly, what time is it?” he asked.

“Barely seven. Let’s get our tails outta here. I don’t know about y‘all, but I’m ready to go home. Where is Chris?”

Joe snickered. “Probably sucking face with Angel.”

Rachel took two steps forward, her heels clacking on the pavement. “I swear, if I so much as -- ”

Joe touched her shoulder. “Relax, Rach. He’s right behind us.”

Chris, the youngest of the Brock brothers, surged through the service door. Angel followed, their fingers entwined in an intimate web. Angel’s cheeks flushed bright pink, in contrast with her peachy skin. Her straight blond hair curtained her face as she leaned in to whisper something in his ear. Chris laughed in response, his eyes twinkling with mirth.

I didn’t find this compelling

The writing is nice, and we open with a scene, but what happens? Several people assemble somewhere and, essentially, say good morning. Christy wrote that she doesn’t believe “instant action” is the only way to open a novel. I agree. However, instant tension/story question is the only way to open up. For this reader, there wasn’t any here. I read through the rest of the chapter, and it’s all exposition and introducing characters. The introduction part is fine, but not without being woven into a story. They ride in a bus and go to breakfast. Only at the very end does something happen. Notes:

Rachel West shed the heavy tour schedule like a winter coat. Rolling her shoulders, she blinked and shielded her eyes from the early morning sun with her hand. I need some coffee, she thought. (The first sentence didn’t make sense to me—how does one shed a tour schedule? Upon reflection, I’m guessing that this means there are no more stops on the tour, but this is after reading the rest of the chapter. Not enough meaning for me. Secondly, I think the scene needs to be set. We have no idea where Rachel is other than there’s sunshine.)

No doubt the other members of the world-famous rock band JVC needed coffee too. Joe staggered out first, with Vaughn close at his heels, digging in his shirt pocket for his aviator sunglasses. (Joe staggered out of where? There’s no way to visualize the scene. I think it’s out of a hotel or something, and I think that there’s a tour bus nearby, but that, again, is after reading a lot more. Where are we? Also, Rachel is the band's manager, not a member of the band, as per later narrative.)

Vaughn yawned. “Great googly-moogly, what time is it?” he asked.

“Barely seven. Let’s get our tails outta here. I don’t know about y‘all, but I’m ready to go home. Where is Chris?” (Who is speaking here? Dialogue tag needed.)

Joe snickered. “Probably sucking face with Angel.”

Rachel took two steps forward, her heels clacking on the pavement. “I swear, if I so much as -- ” (While I advocate action beats such as the one that opens this paragraph, they need to contribute to the story. This feels overwritten, for one thing (two steps forward), and doesn’t actually show anything that contributes to story or character. If she frowned, for example, then that would contribute.)

Joe touched her shoulder. “Relax, Rach. He’s right behind us.”

Chris, the youngest of the Brock brothers, surged through the service door. Angel followed, their fingers entwined in an intimate web. Angel’s cheeks flushed bright pink, in contrast with her peachy skin. Her straight blond hair curtained her face as she leaned in to whisper something in his ear. Chris laughed in response, his eyes twinkling with mirth. (They come out the service door—the back door? To what? I understand later that it’s to avoid crowds of fans, but a hint of why would be helpful. Are they in an alley? A parking lot? Finally, there’s no tension or story question. Basically, all that’s happened is that people assemble somewhere to do something. There’s a little tension in Rachel’s attitude toward the alleged kissing, but hardly compelling for me.)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[glj]

I agree, this didn't make me want to read more. I could do without the setting, at least on the first page, but it seemed ordinary. There was no hint of an overall problem or conflict and no indication of anything out of the ordinary. Stereotypical rock band stuff.

The "shed the heavy tour schedule" phrase didn't work for me. If your ms starts out on the very first line with a phrase that doesn't really fly, well, that doesn't set a good tone for the rest of the book.

It is seven AM in the morning, and they are leaving a venue together? That seems strange, unless they've been playing all night.

[Tamara]

I could visualize this scene, and I felt the sense of tiredness of an early morning on the road, so being able to see and feel the scene made me vote to turn a page.

However, five named people on the first page is two too many for me. I'd be curious to see if it worked to simply refer to the band as the three brothers (not by name) at first and then we gradually get to know them.

At the end, a lot of description on the youngest guy's girlfriend seems out of scale compared to other people's descriptions, which made me wonder if she was a main character.

When I see Chris and Angel together as a couple it makes me think of that "Chris Angel Mind Freak" dude.

The first sentence just needs a little rephrasing. I get where you're going with the idea, it's just a bit of a stretch for that metaphor.

[tmso]

I voted no because I was confused as to where they were. The writing is very good, but otherwise, as Ray pointed out, there's nothing compelling going on except maybe a conflict between Rachel and Angel. For this one reader, I like my stories to begin with "action". Good luck. :)

[Dan]

A couple of things:

1. Too many characters are introduced too quickly. We have Angel, Vaughn, Joe, Rachel and Chris all first appearing on the same page. We don't have a feel for any of these people.

2. The introduction of the fact that they are a rock-band is clunky. It's like the "renowned curator Jacques Saunier" intro to "Da Vinci Code" that everybody makes fun of. Can you find an organic way to let us know it's a rock band?

I wonder if maybe this isn't the beginning of the story. Starting with somebody waking up is usually a mistake. There are a lot of things one generally does between waking up and doing something interesting.

You can introduce them as a rock band by having them playing a concert or partying like rock stars. You can introduce the idea that they're famous by having them mobbed by fans. That is much better to me than saying "They are a famous rock band."

3. The dialog doesn't feel natural. I think maybe you should give more consideration to these characters and their voices. "Great googly moogly," "get our tails outta here" and "sucking face" all feel wrong to me. Those are things characters on sitcoms say; not real people. Try to be less broad and more naturalistic.

4. Shedding the tour schedule like a winter coat is kind of a broken metaphor; it doesn't make a lot of sense. Finishing a tour isn't implicitly like taking off a coat. You'd do better to just say something like "The tour was finished and Rachel was glad." Try to build the voice of the perspective character into the narration.

On a related note: "I need some coffee, she thought." Why are you turning this statement into internal monologue? You can just say "she needed coffee."

5. As others have noted, we don't know where they are or why they've all been sleeping outside together. This is odd.

[Christine H]

The "great googly-moogly" did it for me. Anyone who quotes "Maggie and the Ferocious Beast" has my attention.