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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might
want to read these two FtQ posts: Story
as River and Kitty-cats
in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt
a little rethinking of your narrative.
Kathy has sent a brief prologue and a first chapter. The prologue’s opening lines:
The first chapter opens this way:
Like clockwork every fall, Dawn Ingram goes off the radar for six weeks. Is it R and R? R and D? When the leader of global giant Three Eleven burps, it makes headlines, but when she disappears, no one notices? Well, Stew Singleton does. And that, my friends, is why this log remains underground.There is a pattern. First, in August, she slows down on public appearances. No more meetings or press conferences, no interviews. Then, any telecasts are only headshots. I kindof miss the chance to see her, she’s still smokin’ after all these years. Then, at the end of September, we get nothing. Nada. Zip. Until she resurfaces on November 1, giving us the time and location of her annual State of the Program address on November 11.
Now, I don’t begrudge the woman her time off, if that’s what it is. But, I’ll be honest. I don’t trust her. I don’t trust TE. Not that I trust Anvolussion on the other side, but there is too much we the people are not being informed about with this company.
What does Dawn Ingram do for six weeks every fall, and has done for the past twenty odd years?
A familiar lethargy swept over Nicholas’ body; death was imminent. The welcome weakness brought comfort, like a warm blanket settling around his shoulders. First checking the settings on the plasma accelerator, he then re-read the gauges on the nuclear reactor and glanced at the clock on the wall. Nearly time.
He knew what he had to do, had been trying to do for more than a millennium. The previous failures, the pain endured, the lost lives coursed through Nicholas’ mind as he looked out over the devastation visible through the window of the control room. One single remaining operational nuclear plant on Earth, and he was about to destroy it.
The worn paper pulled from his pocket was reverently unfolded, tiny creases marring the once-vibrant colours of the photograph. Tracing a finger over every achingly familiar feature, he whispered “I’m tired, Adya. I can’t do this any more. We thought it would work, it should have worked. One last time, one last try.” The control seat protested the bulk of his body as he sat, entering the sequence of commands which sent the reactor into critical condition. The resultant energy surge would power the temporal displacement plasma accelerator and complete his final task of this lifetime. Rising wearily, Nicholas sighed then stretched his back. He slid onto the metal operating table in the centre of the room, attached connectors to his temples and chest, and (snip)
Yes times 2, however. . .
Not usually a fan of prologues, this one was very brief—it would all be on the first page of a manuscript or a printed book. And it does raise story questions. The character mentioned, Dawn, does appear in the first chapter, so that’s satisfying. But it does take risks. For one, being all in italics—hard to read. Why? For another, it doesn’t actually immerse us in a character’s experience or really launch a story.
The first chapter’s opening was a definite page-turner for me. What’s going to happen next? I can tell you that the first chapter continued to keep the pages turning.
I think there’s a little overwriting here and there—for me, “The control seat protested the bulk of his body as he sat,” was totally unnecessary. It also gave a role to a chair in a complicated phrase. I’d cut it. And watch out for adverbs that modify verbs, such as “Rising wearily.” Just use his actions to suggest weariness, or internal monologue. I would have preferred if we had “seen” what he saw out the window—“the devastation” has no meaning whatsoever, and might as well not have been there. Specifics create reality, generalizations none.
Nice work, Kathy.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
- Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a line edit/critique of up to 15 pages.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, send me the revision.
© 2010 Ray Rhamey
I voted 'no' on the prologue, and 'yes'(but) on the first chapter.
I found the prologue confusing. What is the relationship between Dawn and "the leader of global giant Three Eleven"? Who is Stew Singleton--is he the narrator?
I'll agree with Ray on the italics in the prologue. I understand that it's intended to show the prologue as epistolary. But prologues are a negative in modern novels to begin with, and the typical reader (especially a manuscript screener) skips italicized stuff at the beginning of a novel.
There were some typos ("kindof"), misplaced commas, and clunky wording ("about with") in the prologue that didn't help.
And there didn't seem to be anything in the prologue that I needed to know in order to make sense of the start of Chapter 1, so I'm not convinced that it couldn't just be worked in later as bits of backstory.
As for Chapter 1, it's intriguing, which is a very good thing. But the writing needs to be more focused: fewer words, more precise words, more carefully phrased.
The protagonist seems to be the object rather than the subject in many of the sentences, giving an unnecessarily passive feeling: "lethargy swept over Nicholas", "weakness brought comfort", "failures (etc.) coursed through Nicholas' mind", "paper was unfolded", "seat protested the bulk of his body", and "energy surge would... complete his final task".
In my position as the self-appointed Sheriff of Participial Phrases in these parts, I'm tempted to lock you up for the night and let you sleep it off. :-) Here are the most egregious problems:
"First checking the settings... he then..." is just wrong. I might let you have "After checking the settings... he...". But I still don't like the implied mini-flashback. I say, keep time moving forward: "He checked the settings... then...".
"The control seat..., entering the sequence of commands..." is obviously not right. The control seat didn't enter any commands, I'm pretty sure.
"Rising wearily" is borderline, because I'm not convinced he stretched his back while rising. In any event, it's another mini-flashback that we don't need. "Nicholas rose wearily, sighed, and stretched his back" works while keeping things moving forward.
A participial phrase always acts as an adjective. It's static, not dynamic. It's not something that happens; it's how something is. A participle isn't a verb, so a participial phrase cannot be used as an alternative way to state an action, and especially not to state one action in a sequence of actions. Watch out for those "-ing" words.
There was some redundancy, particularly in "looked out over the devastation visible through the window" which duplicates both looking/visible and out/through.
The sentence "The resultant energy surge would power the temporal displacement plasma accelerator and complete his final task of this lifetime" seemed extraneous and interrupts the action (such as it is).
In all, an interesting opening but one that could use some polishing.
Posted by: Doug | May 14, 2010 at 03:45 PM
Thanks for taking a look at my submission.
Although individual entries in a series should of course stand alone to a degree, I would like to clarify that my submission was the second installment in a trilogy and the books follow a common format of one chapter as a first person journal/blog entry, then two chapters of third person narrative. The prologue as shown above is missing a couple of important bits of information...the title of the blog (The Stewlog), entry title "Where Does She Go?", dated October 1, 2011. Since it is a casual blog entry, the grammar, etc, reflects that fact. The italics have been used to differentiate the log entries from the regular narrative when doing a quick perusal of the book...but perhaps I'll look at doing an alternative font instead since it seems to give pause.
This excerpt continues the story introduced in Regression, my 2009 debut novel. Regression is available on Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Regression-Kathy-Bell/dp/0981289606/ref=tmm_pap_title_0, the sequel takes up the action twenty-six years later and is slated for release on 10/10/10.
Kathy
Posted by: Kathy Bell | May 14, 2010 at 04:47 PM