Friday Fun and Flogometer for Ashley—would you turn the page?

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Update: taking the day off today. Have a great holiday!

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You can start the The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles podcast series or subscribe to it here or on iTunes. A sample of the novel is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.

Chapter 18 A romantic dining opportunity appears

. Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

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Call for flogging submissions I’m about to run out of submissions to the Flogometer. If you’d like a critique of your novel’s opening—prologue or first chapter or both—please email as an attachment according to the guidelines at the end of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Ashley’s opening lines:

"What you in for?"

If she had asked Thomas that same question four years ago, he would have told her that he was following a trail. He had told so many young waitresses in late-night city dives that he was "following a trail" that he suspected it was bad luck. Instead he shrugged and said, "Some potato soup," indicating the brightly-decorated specials board with a tilt of his head. The girl sauntered into the kitchen without writing anything.

Thomas hauled his bag up onto the counter, putting it between himself and a queasy-looking guy three seats down. He pulled out a battered old notebook -- personal documentation of four years of wrong turns. Missed opportunities. Wasted time.

It was full.

His mother would still be proud, of course; she had always said that success wasn't everything. He was still ashamed. That was his father living on in his psyche.

"Any coffee?" The girl was smiling down at him, leaning forward just far enough to peek into his notebook. For a moment Thomas considered hiding it, but was instead mildly entranced by a hint of cleavage. "You a writer or something?"

Thomas shook his head and closed the notebook. "Are you from around here?"

Close, but . . .

I liked the writing and the voice a lot, and Ashley is opening with an immediate scene, which I also like. But, for me, it adds up to well done throat-clearing. I do like the hints of internal conflict we see in Thomas, but for me it wasn’t strong enough to compel a page turn.

In a way, some of the narrative is self-defeating. For example, the opening paragraph seems to suggest that “following a trail” was just a story he told to waitresses, when in actuality that is what he’s doing. We don’t know that finding something or someone is important to him, or the stakes involved.

Because the writing is clean, I looked ahead in the narrative for a point where I felt the narrative was more compelling, and there was more of an idea of a story to be heard. Let’s see how this works for you—Ashley, I’ve taken liberties and cut a lot to get more of a hook on the first page. This is meant as a thought-starter for raising stronger story questions and enough mystery to provoke a turn. Thomas’s backstory and musings can be added later.

Thomas ignored the scent of the alley—a medley of beer and dumpsters and old pepperoni—and strode to a rickety set of metal stairs leading up to a small landing and a door.

He reached up to knock; his hand was barely there when the door swung back. Holding it open was a frowning boy about as tall as the middle of Thomas' stomach, a mop of shaggy hair falling over his eyebrows. Thomas would have frowned back, but that was when he noticed the boy's eyes. The boy's completely unfocused eyes.

"She said you'd be here," the boy said.

"Excuse me?"

"Come in. Madam is ready."

"You've got to be joking."

The boy turned back into the apartment. Thomas followed him down a hallway. A door stood ajar at the end. He went in, expecting to find candles, bad incense—the kind of things infomercial mystics used to convince desperate housewives. Instead, there was just a single hanging bulb illuminating a bed in one corner, an armchair in another, and a tall pine box. He looked around, shrugged, and turned to leave. Another dead end on the trail to find his lost --

A voice like a grandmother who had smoked for decades came from the pine box. “You’re in the (snip)

Ashley, your writing is fine, and it seems like there’s an interesting story here. But the conversation you had with the other guy in the parlor didn’t seem to advance the story (it was just more exposition). Try starting later in the story and fill in the notebook, his feelings, etc. as he encounters this woman and the others I the place. Good luck.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Christine H]

I actually liked the first one better. I assumed that he was in fact following a trail, and was curious as to what it was.

The only thing that dragged a little for me was the paragraph about his parents. I know it's really good character stuff, but for some reason it just didn't flow well.

This isn't really my type of story, but I liked Thomas right away, and the fact that he's being modest and only interested by a hint of cleavage, instead of the typical "flaunting her boobs" kind of thing. Less is more, in my humble opinion.

Has a nice film noir quality. I love the voice.

[Liz Tee]

The only problem I had with the first one was the opening line. To my middle-American mind, that's a question overheard in prison. I had to back up and read the first paragraph a few times before I figured it he wasn't in prison. Also, the last line indicated it was going to lead me away from the main storyline.

Or maybe I just haven't had enough coffee.

[Ed]

From the wording of the original first line, I thought it was one inmate talking to another. Then when I found out it was a girl talking to Thomas, I thought maybe she was a lawyer talking to a potential client. But then the grammar made no sense, so I was confused again.

Then I found out she was a waitress, but I've never had a waitress ask me, "What you in for?"

I could follow the opening Ray suggested much easier.

[Norm]

Maybe it's only me, but I got hung up at the beginning.

It's a blurry line between too much scene and not enough. IMO the opening line misleads. I thought the first sentence suggested jail: "What you in for?"

The second sentence made me think the POV had shifted since the 'she' popped up before Thomas, "If she had asked Thomas that same question..."

I'd suggest some scene setting. Perhaps: 'The waitress pulled the notepad from a greasy apron. "What you in for?"

'Thomas pretended to study the menu. If she had asked Thomas that same question...'

To some extent the blurb and title (if this were a book) would give the necessary info to me before I open up to the first page.

In the second possible opening "Thomas ignored the scent of the alley..." struck me as overwriting and out of character for an investigator. Of course Thomas didn't ignore the smell of the alley. He notes that they are "a medley of beer and dumpsters and old pepperoni..."

Both scenes are almost there for me. But, then, I have a short...oh look at that.

[Lexi Revellian]

Yes, I too thought the first question referred to a prison sentence. And waitresses normally ask what you want to eat or drink, not what you are doing in the place. But I preferred the original start; I'd just like it a bit clearer.

[Deb]

Norm hit all of the points I would have except for on the second post: how does Thomas know it is a pine box? And I was having a horrible time imagining what this pine box actually looked like. In the end I decided maybe you meant it was an old time coffin standing on end, but it would have been easier on my brain to just say a coffin. Maybe it's just me being dense. I am also rapidly learning from my daughter's foreign college friends that words can mean totally different things depending on what part of the world you come from.

[Christine H]

Deb, I don't know what part of the world you come from, but in the US we use a lot of pine for furniture. It is light-colored and has a lot of knots in it, so it's easily recognizable. Also, a pine box is often used as a less expensive coffin, such as in old west days. Just FYI!

There's a country song I remember hearing on the radio all the time when I was in college that goes "I'd be better off in a pine box on a slow train down to Georgia... than lying here with you and him together on my mind."

[Botanist]

I'm with other commenters on being thrown by the opening line. It struck me as a rather contrived way of introducing the "following a trail" non-response that the rest of the opening depends on. A more natural question would be something along the lines of "what can I get you?" but then the next sentence wouldn't follow.

Other than that, I preferred the original opening to the alternative. I thought it gave enough of an insight into something mysterious going on without seeming to try too hard.

However, neither was strong enough on its own to completely hook me. Whether or not I read on would depend on what else I knew about the story - genre, or back cover blurb. If it sounded like something I would enjoy, then either opening was well-enough written to give me the confidence to keep going. If not, then the opening wasn't strong enough to convince me otherwise. If that makes sense :-)

[Tamara]

Ashley, keep at it. Nailing the opening is tough, that's why this blog exists.

Best of luck to you!

[Deb]

Christine, I am from the heart of USA and well aware of what natural pine looks like, but if I walk into a house full of furniture I notice a wood box not a pine box. My ceiling is made of pine, but it is stained darker. A pine box to me pulls the image of an old coffin, partially thanks to the song you refer too. Any wood can be left a light color and lots of them have knots. My home is full of a variety of wood types. My point was that stating it was a pine box through me out of the story until I decided what kind of box I was supposed to be seeing. And honsetly I am still not sure what the pine box refers to.