Flogometer for Robert—would you turn the page?

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Oops. Yesterday was my birthday, and I forgot all about the Wednesday post. Here it is.

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My monthly guest post is up on Writer Unboxed, titled Do you have a story of the heart? It includes a kinda cool animated graphic that I created, although it only worked the first time I loaded the page. Hope it works for you.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Robert has sent a rewrite. His opening lines:

Alex saw that the ball was out of reach, and relaxed. He was the world’s worst cricketer. No point in trying too hard and making a fool of himself. It bounded past well clear of the off stump. Someone behind him tossed it back to the bowler. He glanced up.

The Stone stirred under his clothes, pulling at him. Damn the thing! He needed it to leave him alone. Why was it waking now, of all times? His mind was full of images of the Dratzen; of soaring mountains, crowded little towns, of corpses, blood and more blood. He was sweating. He pulled himself back into the reality of this world. For once, he had a chance to relax with his friends. If the damn thing would let him. The last thing he wanted right now was to suddenly wake up alone in another landscape. Even if it was his home.

Beyond the willows that fringed the Cherwell, he could see the greenhouses of the Oxford Botanic Garden. It had been a favourite haunt when he was in his teens. Beyond, the bright tower of Magdalen rose into the sky, against a backdrop of cloud. Cricket was not his thing. But cricket had never been the point. It was the excuse, to meet up with old friends from school once in a while, and relax together in the pub afterwards.

Everything spun around him for a moment. Not now! Alex thought he was about to black out. He never knew when the Stone was about to drag him through to the other world. It had (snip)

This one works for me

This scene did a good job for me in sketching out where the character is and what he’s doing, giving us enough hints of backstory to understand what’s going on, and an immediate threat to his happiness and well-being. I wanted to know more about the stone, and what was going to happen next. Some notes:

Alex saw that the ball was out of reach and relaxed. He was the world’s worst cricketer. No point in trying too hard and making a fool of himself. It bounded past well clear of the off stump. Someone behind him tossed it back to the bowler. He glanced up.

The Stone stirred under his clothes, pulling at him. Damn the thing! He needed it to leave him alone. Why was it waking now, of all times? His mind was full of filled with images of the Dratzen; of soaring mountains, crowded little towns, of corpses, blood and more blood. He was sweating. He pulled himself back into the reality of this world. He was sweating. For once, he had a chance to relax with his friends. If the damn thing would let him. The last thing he wanted right now was to suddenly wake up alone in another landscape. Even if it was his home. (It seemed like the sweating was trying to be part of the images and that a shift put it in a better place for narrative sense.)

Beyond the willows that fringed the Cherwell, he could see the greenhouses of the Oxford Botanic Garden. It had been a favourite haunt when he was in his teens. Beyond Past the willows, the bright tower of Magdalen rose into the sky, against a backdrop of cloud. Cricket was not his thing. But cricket had never been the point. It was the excuse, to meet up with old friends from school once in a while, and relax together in the pub afterwards. (Wanted to avoid the echo of “beyond”)

Everything spun around him for a moment. Not now! Alex thought he was about to black out. He never knew when the Stone was about to drag him through to the other world. It had (snip) (Whlle the potential blacking out is okay, it’s the pull of the Stone that matters here. Cutting that sentence might allow the inclusion of the rest of the last one, which I found more interesting: . . . never yet happened in front of other people. For me, that implied a new jeopardy.)

Nice work, Robert. Thanks.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jami G.]

I just want to second all of Ray's suggestions. Some of the sentences he cut felt like telling and pulled me out of the moment. I think the narrative would be much stronger without them.

Jami G.

[Norm]

I said no due to the backstory dump-ette (not big but there nonetherless).

Not understanding a bloody thing about Cricket my recommendation might not work, but if the ball is hit in the direction of the willows that gives the opportunity for the reflection and ties to the story, otherwise it's an aside that kind of just hangs out there.

I think the stone's location should be given (preferably on a necklace around his neck). The ambiguity struck me as odd, of course he knows where the stone is.

Nice clear writing. I'm intrigued by the journey. I just didn't want to take long backstory sidetrips to start it.

[Deb]

I didn't vote, because the feel of the story pulls me in. But....The info dump of backstory is hitting at the wrong time. When the stone pulls him and is making him think he might pass out---I would think there wouldn't be time to think about his surroundings. He should think about this before he feels the stone, not after. It makes the stone's tugging at him less important to the MC and the reader.
If I am about to pass out then all I think about is passing out (unlike pausing to shoot at someone, which I disagreed with Ray about thinking/info dumping during on another story (I do think it is possible to reflect/info dump while aiming at a target).
Otherwise I really think I could get into this story, but I have to wonder if there is going to be more info dumping in the middle of action.

[Mark Souza]

Happy Birthday Ray. Congratulations on turning another page.