Flogometer for Merima—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Merima’s opening lines:

It was Christmas Day, December 25th, 1851. The house was solemnly silent, as Sarah Barton’s last breath was taken, and Martha sadly covered the dead body with a white blanket. Martha looked around the house, or rather mansion of a prominent business man, with dark decorated curtains and a low dimming light. The chandelier above her slowly swung, and a breeze ran through the house. Martha quietly drew the red curtains around the rustic yet elegant bed.

It was at this moment that Clara Barton’s life truly began, as she left the house fixing her eyes on the road ahead to Washington D.C., determined. Clara was now barely thirty years old, and had lived with her family ever since, nursing her brother from the war. It was now time for her to move on, and create a new life for herself.

Martha Ballard, both midwife and great-aunt to Sarah, walked outside to the snow-covered barn. The chilly air reddened her nose, and she tightened her jacket upon her shivering skin. She looked upwards to the sky, and the gentle snow fell upon her face. Martha wiped off the tears, and hesitated. Her hand reached the door, and she opened it, sickened.

The hearty and loud talking ceased as Martha entered the room quietly. She closed the door, and warmed herself upon the small fire lighting the room. Stephen looked at her, his heart sinking.

Not there yet

Merima has begun an ambitious project, historical fiction about 10 women in history. This opening, though, was not a page-turner for me. While definitely a good start, I feel that the writing needs to evolve a little more before it’s ready for prime time, and there was no real tension here. I suggest, Merima, that you keep at it and perhaps look into books on writing. I think there are lessons on craft in my own book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells, that could help you, and I know that there are other excellent books on craft that would also steer you toward the kind of narrative you need to be competitive. Notes:

It was Christmas Day, December 25th, 1851. The house was solemnly silent, as when Sarah Barton’s last breath was taken, and Martha sadly covered the dead body with a white blanket. Martha looked around the house, or rather mansion of a prominent business man, with dark decorated curtains and a low dimming light. A breeze ran through the house, and the chandelier above her slowly swung, and a breeze ran through the house. Martha quietly drew the red curtains around the rustic yet elegant bed. (Too many adverbs that modify verbs for me, and the whole sentence about looking around the house doesn’t do well as description. For one thing, she’s in a bedroom and can’t really look around the house. For another, description needs to deliver the experience of the character [I call it “experiential description” in my book], and this is not only not from within her point of view, the “or rather” part isn’t necessary at all.)

It was at this moment that Clara Barton’s life truly began, as she left the house fixing her eyes on the road ahead to Washington D.C., determined. Clara was now barely thirty years old, and had lived with her family ever since, nursing her brother from the war. It was now time for her to move on, and create a new life for herself. (We seem to be changing point of view here—the story started with Martha’s actions. But that could be okay if Clara was there and observing Martha. But this is clearly the author delivering information, not a peek through a window into Clara’s experience. If this exposition is necessary, it should be delivered through Clara’s internal monologue [thoughts] or dialogue in a scene rather than this “info dump.”)

Martha Ballard, both midwife and great-aunt to Sarah, walked outside to the snow-covered barn. The chilly air reddened her nose, and she tightened her jacket upon her shivering skin. She looked upwards to the sky, and the gentle snow fell upon her face. Martha wiped off the tears, and opened hesitated. Her hand reached the door, and she opened it, sickened. (We’ve now hopped into Martha’s head [point of view]. This is better description, and starts to deliver an experience. I think the interjection of the paragraph about Clara needs to wait—Martha later talks about her and delivers much of the same info.)

The hHearty and loud talking ceased as Martha entered the room quietly. She closed the door, and warmed herself upon at the small fire lighting the room. Stephen looked at her, his heart sinking. (Here we jump into another character’s point of view. Generally this kind of “head hopping” is not considered good storytelling craft, although you do see it in some published novels. It can be a strike against you with both readers and agents.)

There are definitely signs of promise in your work, Merima, and I encourage you to keep at it and develop your narrative skills. You can do it.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Deb]

Besides Ray's comments the thing that really bothers me about this page is you have introduced three characters and I didn't know anything about any of them. And switching POV's from Martha to Clara and back was really confusing. If it is Clara's POV the whole time then that needs to be made clearer in the beginning. Such as Clara watched Martha cover....

[Christine H]

I voted "yes" because I don't know anything about Clara Barton and would like to, so I'd probably turn the page just out of curiosity.

But I agree that introducing too many characters too quickly, all with their own points of view, was confusing. I was also confused as to why all the people were in the barn, instead of the house, and why Martha felt sickened when she went to see them. It also appears that there was a fire in the barn. How is that possible? Was it converted to living quarters?

Great concept. I would definitely keep working on it! I don't mind omniscient narratives, but I do prefer to have each complete scene from one character's point of view.

[Norm]

The first two paragraphs had me. I thought that this could be a very interesting to learn about Ms Barton though I did stumble on "the war." Of course it was the Mexican-American War, but it took me out of the story and put me into encyclopedia mode.

It was for the last two paragraphs that caused the no vote for me. The head hops jarred me. And then another head hop and the telling (not showing) with "Stephen looked at her, his heart sinking." clinched it.

I agree on too many characters. Unless Sarah comes back in some manner perhaps she could be referred to as Clara's mother? This would put us in Clara's POV and start to anchor us as to whose story this is.

I like the concept but I'm thinking that ten historical women is too much. It's okay for Clara to meet others but try to weave them together is overly (IMHO) ambitious.

It occurs to me that if this is a bit of a romance genre novel then head hopping is much more accepted than in other genres.

There is some nice writing. "The chilly air reddened her nose, and she tightened her jacket..." was good though it is a head hop when we go to her "shivering skin."

Good luck.

[Lexi Revellian]

Is Christmas Day ever on any date other than December 25th?

Ray's pointed out the craft issues. My overall advice is to think about the reader, who requires to be entertained, or she will stop reading.

[Doug]

This florid, languid, 3rd-person omniscient, passive style of writing was popular in the 1800s, but it's been out of fashion for more than a century.

In 1900, Mark Twain took a swing at it: "The fact is, my friends, that the fashion in literature changes, and the literary tailors have to change their cuts or go out of business... I don’t believe any of you have ever read Paradise Lost, and you don’t want to... It’s a classic, just as Professor Winchester says, and it meets his definition of a classic—something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read."
(http://marktwainclassics.com/marktwain/disappearance-literature-speech/)

That doesn't make this style 'wrong'. You're the author and you can write however you want. But the style *is* unpopular today. Few people want to read that style these days, and virtually nobody wants to publish it (precisely because few want to read it).

FTQ is very much oriented in the opposite direction: writing fiction in today's high-stakes, high-action, close-PoV style that immediately grabs the modern reader and makes them want to read instead of flip on the TV or surf the Web.

If this excerpt is in the style you want to write in, this site probably isn't going to be much help to you.

I'll throw one specific note in here: The sentence "Clara was now barely thirty years old, and had lived with her family ever since" left me wondering, "Since what???"

[Merima T.]

Hello all!

Sorry for not commenting earlier. I just saw the posts and 'flogging' and wanted to thank all of you. This is a first draft, and I'm glad to see where I can improve. Re-reading this shows me that, again, there were too many characters introduced. As to the style of writing, I had originally planned to jump back and forth as the characters are spaced out in totally different time eras, but I'll make sure to try and "liven" up the language.
As to the whole "barn", what had happened was that Clara's mother had died and it was customary for the men to leave the house when a woman was giving birth. I'll make sure to clear that up.

Overall, I am currently reading more on crafting, and will be sending a 2nd draft probably after the summer. I haven't gotten to work much on it since, but I know that summer will give me the chance to hopefully fix a lot of the mistakes it has right now. I can see now that Clara and Martha's point of view is rather "mushed together" and I realize that this is because (At the time) I had been toying with what to start off with. This way, I had started with Clara, and then jumped from Martha. My mistake.

Thank you all for the comments, and hope you comment again when the 2nd draft is done,
Merima!

[Christine H]

Merima, don't listen to Doug. I love him, he's a great guy, and often has valuable input, but in this case he is wrong. There are lots of books written today in a style similar to yours. They just happen to be literary novels, not genre novels such as those popular with readers of this website.

My suggestion to you is to browse a major bookstore in the section you think your book would fit (historical fiction, most likely) and read a bunch of first pages of books recently published. That will give you a good idea of the market.

[Christine H]

P.S. I should have said "literary or historical romance," as the style does remind me a lot of many historical romances I've picked up.

[hope101]

Merima, you're already running with the feedback, so I'll just add in my two cents about one issue: while head-hopping is occasionally permitted in romance, the trend is very much against it as well, even in historical fiction.

[Merima T.]

Hello once again!
I have been reading a bit on books for historical fiction that will give me a wider range of ideas for the novel. As to the head-hopping, I am thinking to just limit it to just 3rd person.

Thanks!
Merima