Friday Fun and Flogometer for Richard—would you turn the page?

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Chapter 11 Cops at the front door, mob at the back

Ray Rhamey's Podcast

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Richard’s opening lines:

The way ahead lay thick with stirring shadows.

Lucas Sensed the creature watching him and his companions, its shape hidden amongst the trees at the road’s edge.

He bit his lip, unsure whether to call out in warning, or turn his horse and flee as his gut urged. But the thing had been following their path since the clearing, patient as sin, and now he felt it move forward again, keeping ahead of the three men and their horses.

Lucas coughed past a flutter in his throat. “The men we’re looking for are dead.”

“Oh?” asked Roth, glancing at him. “What proof have we?”

It sits just ahead, brother, waiting. “The blood we found was enough for two men.”

Roth shook his head. “Might have been a bears’ kill, perhaps a wolf.”

“Not a bear kill.” Lucas kept his voice firm. “I smelled sulphur.”

“Merchant’s causeway, lad,” Brine put in from behind. “Spilt goods or some such.”

“Sulphur could mean… a demon.”

Roth’s eyes narrowed. “Fairytale nonsense. I swear I’ll never get used to your people’s superstitions.”

The wind gusted, rattling winter-bare branches, and a stench claimed the air. “Come,” said Roth, spurring his horse into a canter.

Works for me

This opening scene introduced story questions that made me want to know more—is there a demon ahead? What’s special about Lucas’s people? Will the creature in the shadows attack? But there are places it could be stronger, in my opinion.

The way ahead lay thick with stirring shadows. (Scene-setting opportunity here. The second paragraph reveals a road, but why not here? The road ahead lay thick with stirring shadows. That way, instead of a vague "way," the reader is picturing a road right from the start.)

Lucas Sensed the creature watching him and his companions, its shape hidden amongst the trees at the road’s edge.

He bit his lip, unsure whether to call out in warning, or turn his horse and flee as his gut urged. But the thing had been following their path since the clearing, patient as sin, and now he felt it move forward again, keeping ahead of the three men and their horses. (A characterization problem here. A good rule of thumb to follow is to have characters perform to the best of their ability. You don’t want the reading thinking “Why didn’t he just do so-and-so?” It’s like when the nubile young woman goes up the attic in the dark after a killer has already slaughtered a couple of her friends. You know what’s waiting. Here, since they just passed a lot of blood on the ground, it would be only logical for him to mention that they are being stalked. A character let-down for me.)

Lucas coughed past a flutter in his throat. “The men we’re looking for are dead.”

“Oh?” asked Roth, glancing at him. “What proof have we?”

It sits just ahead, brother, waiting. “The blood we found was enough for two men.”

Roth shook his head. “Might have been a bears’ kill, perhaps a wolf.”

“Not a bear kill.” Lucas kept his voice firm. “I smelled sulphur.”

“Merchant’s causeway, lad,” Brine put in from behind. “Spilt goods or some such.”

“Sulphur could mean… a demon.”

Roth’s eyes narrowed. “Fairytale nonsense. I swear I’ll never get used to your people’s superstitions.”

The wind gusted, rattling winter-bare branches, and a stench claimed the air. “Come,” said Roth, spurring his horse into a canter. (I think an opportunity was missed here to crank up the tension and story here. Instead of these relatively tame lines—and the fact that the stench is not characterized—the story could have gotten to what they find in just a couple of paragraphs, a carriage with bodies on the ground beside it. I’d urge trying to get that on the first page. It can be done with a little trimming and rearranging.)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a line edit/critique of up to 15 pages.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, send me the revision.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Margo Kelly]

I voted yes, but I would change up the first few sentences. Maybe this instead:

Lucas sensed the creature watching him and his companions, its shape hidden amongst the trees. The road ahead lay thick with stirring shadows.

[Deb]

I voted yes. I just have a small nitpick- 'He bit his lip' This to me is not something a man would mention in his POV. He might notice it about a woman, but not his self IMO. It made him feel feminine to me. I'm not saying in any way that a man wouldn't bite his lip, because I've noticed the sexiest man in the world biting his lip quite often. I just don't think it would be a conscious act that he would notice about himself.

[Jami G.]

I agree with Deb about the lip-biting thing. It weakens his character.

Now I will say that I disagree with Ray about the characterization issue in the 3rd paragraph. I think there's subtext here that Lucas *knew* the others wouldn't believe his warning, so he's holding himself back to keep from looking too "loony". :) If others agree with Ray on that point, maybe it could be pointed out more clearly. You could take out the lip thing and add in something like - He didn't bother calling out a warning, as the others wouldn't believe him anyway, and he struggled to resist his gut's urge to flee.

Other than that, I think you have a great start here!

[Sandra Almazan]

I would have liked more details about the Sensing. How does that work? Does Lucas learn any physical details about the creature that you can share with the reader?

Also, if Roth is Lucas's brother, I would think he would know about Lucas's abilities and be more inclined to heed his warning.

Good start; I would keep reading.

[Botanist]

This worked for me. Raised questions, raised tension, and felt like a story that I'd enjoy reading further.

One teensy nitpick, though, and I don't know if this is just me or if it might trip up others. I stumbled over the capitalisation of "Sensed". I realised very quickly that it was capitalised to indicate that this was a special name for a special sense, i.e. not merely a gut feel, but coming straight after "Lucas" my eye at first took it in as a part of his name. I thought "Lucas Sensed? Odd name. Oh...wait..."

Also, further to other comments above, I think we could do with a bit more indication of why Lucas can't just come out and say "Hey, there's a demon hiding up ahead."

But this is minor stuff. Good luck!

[Lea]

I would have turned. There were good story questions and a nice voice.

But I do agree about the lip-biting, the Sensed comment and Ray's point about wanting the narrator to act to his potential. I think the problem is in the dichotomy the MC thinks of: call out or flee. If the choice is actually as presented by Jami G, that needs to be made clear. The narrator would then appear more heroic.

[Bree]

I liked the glimpses of story for the most part, but felt something was missing. It seemed like a good situation with lots of mystery and suspense. However, I felt it fell into the realm of "talking heads," something which is--alas--all to familiar to me, seeing as how I am forever guilty of doing the same.

I should clarify. I don't think you need less dialogue. I think you need more description, both of the place the characters are in and of the characters themselves. I agree with other posters in the comments regarding the sulfur smell. It should be introduced before Lucas comments on it. More sensory details overall, worked in around the dialogue, would make this a very strong piece.

I also want to second (third?) the use of capitalizing Sensed. It momentarily threw me for a loop given that it was the second word in the sentence. I didn't have the name confusion that Botanist had. I just assumed it was a typo. At least until my brain caught up with my eyes and I realized that it had to do with some form of esp. If we got into Lucas' head and saw/felt his Sensing better, I don't think there would be any confusion in regards to the capitalization.

Keep at it. I think it shows lots of promise.

[Richard]

Thanks everyone for their comments, much appreciated.

Ray, thank you for the pointers. Great advice as usual. I've taken them onboard.