Friday Fun and Flogometer for Janet—would you turn the page?

Chapter 10 An abominable situation arises

Ray Rhamey's Podcast

A sample of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too. You can subscribe to the podcast series on iTunes (search for Rhamey) or here.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Janet’s opening lines:

There were many reasons why Charles McGill would remember the night he first took Hilde Richter. He could never think of it as the night they first made love, for he would never learn to love her. A resigned tolerance was the closest he would ever manage.

It was New Year's Eve 1923 - his first Hogmanay in the sub-tropical heat of South Africa. Charles was missing the cold northern climes of his native Scotland, and a family for which distance had made his heart grow unusually fonder. But this only partially explained his being more than a little drunk.

Blinded by vengeance he felt a fresh wave of anger surge inside him. The woman trapped helpless in his thick powerful arms whimpered as his strong hands pummelled and squeezed, his fingers digging into her breasts as if to force the hurt into her.

His sweat-dampened shirt stuck to his back, and his tousled golden blonde hair, untamed by Brilliantine, was wet against his forehead. Sweat trickled into his eyes and he angrily blinked it away.

He entered her with a thrust, his eyes glazed and unseeing. There was none of his usual crooning words of comfort, no gentle strokes of persuasion, no tender coaxing.

Her whimper turned to a cry of pain, but it was drowned by the blood roaring in his ears, the physical urgency and the need for release; the need to rid himself of the rage.

A description did it in

Even though it seems to be opening with backstory (and it is), I was interested for a while because of the exotic (to me) environment, and the writing was looking pretty good. And then a double hit of stepping out of point of view and purplish prose dissuaded me. It’s a strong scene, and stronger writing might have carried me forward. Notes:

There were many reasons why Charles McGill would remember the night he first took Hilde Richter. He could never think of it as the night they first made love, for he would never learn to love her. A resigned tolerance was the closest he would ever manage. (The point of view is distant here, but that’s okay when introducing things. And this is loaded with characterization.)

It was New Year's Eve 1923 - his first Hogmanay in the sub-tropical heat of South Africa. Charles was missing the cold northern climes of his native Scotland, and a family for which distance had made his heart grow unusually fonder. But this only partially explained his being more than a little drunk. (We’re still outside looking in, but this is interesting information. However, it would also be good to set the scene—where is he?)

Blinded by vengeance, he felt a fresh wave of anger surged inside him. The woman trapped helpless in his thick powerful arms whimpered as his strong hands pummelled pummeled and squeezed, his fingers digging into her breasts as if to force the hurt into her. (Bam, we’re plunged into a close point of view. I think it would work better with some scene-setting to lead us into it. But the main problem is two-fold: the surfeit of adjectives that break out of the close point of view. A character, especially in the midst of raping someone, wouldn’t be thinking of the thick powerfulness of his arms, etc.)

His sweat-dampened shirt stuck to his back, and his tousled golden blonde hair, untamed by Brilliantine, was wet against his forehead. Sweat trickled into his eyes and he angrily blinked it away. (I started to just trim the adjectives and the adverb out of this paragraph, but then it struck me that it’s excess. BTW, while “blonde” is a correct way to spell blond, this form is usually regarded as feminine.)

He entered her with a thrust, his eyes glazed and unseeing. There was none of his usual crooning words of comfort, no gentle strokes of persuasion, no tender coaxing.

Her whimper turned to a cry of pain, but it was drowned by the blood roaring in his ears, the physical urgency and the need for release; the need to rid himself of the rage.

With the South African scene and the story questions raised, this is a good start. But the writing needs to be tamed and the descriptions made experiential (there’s a chapter to help writers with this in my book).

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a line edit/critique of up to 15 pages.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, send me the revision.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Doug]

A 'no' from me, on content. I've no interest whatsoever in seeing what happens to Charles, particularly from a close viewpoint.

[hope101]

I'm afraid another no based on content.

The first two paragraphs had me intrigued because of the irony, but then wham! The humor's abruptly gone and only grim violence remains. I have read thrillers that start right away with horrific scenes, but IMHO, they have worked because they are understated and stay in deep POV.

Also, to add to Ray's edits, I believe "fonder" should be "fond" and "force the hurt into her" felt far too modern.

[TamaraL]

TOO RAPEY. HORRIBLE.

[Jean]

I really liked the opening paragraph. Distant, but it makes up for it with character.

The second paragraph was ok, it set the scene, but didn't do much for me either way.

Then, just when I get into the character himself, he's raping someone. Big turn off. If this came later, after I got to know him a little as someone I'd want to read about, this scene might have worked for me.

Sorry, this was a no for me.

[Christine H]

Sorry, I have to agree as well, on content. I was afraid to say so, that I would sound like a prude, so I'm glad I'm not the first.

Any book which opens with someone hurting someone else, implies much more violence to come and that's just not my thing. I have learned by reading books that I regretted later, that the opening scenes are usually a pretty good indicator for the tone and content of the rest of the book. If it starts out a certain way, it does not tend to get better, no matter how much I like the characters and setting.

This may or may not be true for your story, but if it isn't, you may want to re-think giving that impression.

[Kelly]

The questionable content has already been discussed (I'm not okay with it if we're supposed to sympathize with him). I would like to instead point out that one of the edits is grammatically incorrect. The prepositional phrase "blinded by vengeance" describes "wave" in the edited version. Characters can be blinded by vengeance, as in the original sentence, but waves of anger cannot. If "felt" must be avoided - and I don't know that it must, because it seems that the point of that sentence is that the character is helpless under an onslaught of emotion, and passive verbs can work to convey helplessness - find another construct.

[Liz P]

Ditto with those above me.

I was mildly intrigued and then--the MC (so far as I can tell) is raping someone? Huge turn-off for me.

Even if Charlie is the antagonist, (which would need to be made clear very quickly) Rape is one I believe more people are sensitive to.

[Janet Nicholson]

Thank you for your valuable comments. I have obviously overdone the sex scene and will have to re-think it as it is not actually a rape, as you would see from the following pages. She adores Charles. She is unattractive and he is the first man to have paid her any attention. I think I will have to make Charles more sad than angry.

I did not want to include too much unnecessary backstory on the first page, but instead have fed it in slowly. I wanted to begin on the day that changed the MC’s life. It is an epic saga and Charles marries the girl after her father offers to set him up in business. It is the beginning of a family dynasty.

BTW – pummelled is the correct English spelling. (RR: actually, both are correct)

I went with the Concise Oxford on blonde. “The alternative spellings blonde and blond correspond to the feminine and masculine forms in French, but in English the distinction is not always made, as English does not have such distinctions of grammatical gender. In the noun the spelling is typically blonde, however.”

Thanks. I’ll do a re-write and submit again.