Flogometer for Vicki—would you turn the page?

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A sample of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Vicki’s opening lines of a middle grade/YA novel:

I was lazily making my way through space when I spotted this pretty little solar system. Planets of varying sizes and hues, some with fantastic rings. I love flying through rings so I can look behind me and see how long it takes for the ring to close back up. Sometimes they don't and that's pretty neat, like I've left my mark on the universe. Too bad I can't actually put my name on it, but the few other races that can also navigate through the universe probably wouldn't ever stop to read it. And I wouldn't want the one race that would notice, to know I had been around.

So I settle for leaving only a mark whenever I can. You know, a trench here, a quick little nebulous gas cloud sculpture there, or flying real close to a planet and trailing my way through the clouds to create a swirl.

And there, the third planet out from the sun, was a gorgeous little blue and green garden planet with white clouds floating on the surface. Oh, it was so beautiful! I just couldn't resist – I had to fly closer.

Just like my home, this planet had a clear atmosphere! I couldn't wait to smell the fragrance of this world, so I flew in even closer than I normally would.

It was intoxicating! There are eddies and swirls and rivers of movement in the air. I dive and glide and soar. As I get closer to one of the large areas of water, I can see it's not just blue – it's different shades of blue and green, with foamy white stuff on the tips. I trail my fingers in the cool (snip)

Yes
I had mixed feelings about this because there’s no tension here—but I turned the page because the story questions raised about this creature generated enough pull. On another morning, it might not have. I like the voice, and the writing is good. I encourage Vicki to either try something that foreshadows trouble to come (and it does) or make the appearance of the attacking aircraft happen on the first page and perhaps string out the approach of the missiles, perhaps having the character recognize the threat from an experience on another planet. Vicki, there was one problem I noticed –at the bottom of the first page you shift from past tense to present tense. You really need to keep it one or the other. Notes:

I was lazily making my way through space when I spotted this pretty little solar system. Planets of varying sizes and hues, some with fantastic rings. I love flying through rings so I can look behind me and see how long it takes for the ring to close back up. Sometimes they don't and that's pretty neat, like I've left my mark on the universe. Too bad I can't actually put my name on it, but the few other races that can also navigate through the universe probably wouldn't ever stop to read it. And I wouldn't want the one race that would notice to know I had been around. (Why wouldn’t he/she want that race to notice? A previous bad experience with a technologically advanced race? If so, this could be a place to foreshadow trouble. The tone of this narrative makes this being sound childlike—is that intentional?)

So I settle for leaving only a mark whenever I can. You know, a trench here, a quick little nebulous gas cloud sculpture there, or flying real close to a planet and trailing my way through the clouds to create a swirl. (This makes this character intriguing and had a lot to do with me turning the page.)

And there, the third planet out from the sun, was a gorgeous little blue and green garden planet with white clouds floating on the surface. Oh, it was so beautiful! I just couldn't resist – I had to fly closer. (Actually, clouds don’t float on the surface but in the air.)

Just like my home, this planet had a clear atmosphere! I couldn't wait to smell the fragrance of this world, so I flew in even closer than I normally would.

It was intoxicating! There are eddies and swirls and rivers of movement in the air. I dive and glide and soar. As I get closer to one of the large areas of water, I can see it's not just blue – it's different shades of blue and green, with foamy white stuff on the tips. I trail my fingers in the cool (snip) (This is where you shift from past tense to present, which is a no-no. The rest of this character’s narrative seems to be in first person, so go back and shift the tense of this page to all be present.)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Peri]

Yes, I would definitely turn the page. For you see, I have some experience with that gorgeous little blue and green garden planet and I know how the native species reacts to other-world visitors. Or at least, I know how they reacted to me. So I would love to read more about her/his experiences there.

[Marcel]

Easy on the exclamation points!

I wouldn't pick this up off the bookself simply because it doesn't appear to be anything I'd read (I have limited tastes).

However, I found the start intriguing. It raised interesting (and fun) questions and the voice was good. Your first page hooks. So, to me, I don't think you need to tinker with it much. It's one of those openings that doesn't need to fit into the strict (and formulaic) criteria we have here for first pages. But that might just be me.

Good luck with it.