Flogometer for Ian—would you turn the page?

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But first, a new review of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles from Amazon:

This one’s pure fun

“There are lots of reasons to a read book. To learn something. To get wrapped up in a mystery or drama. To get insights into the cosmos. And, sometimes just for the pure fun of it. This one is for the pure fun. A terrific premise. (A vampire cat? With Groucho Marx sarcastic wit?) A fun cast of characters. (Including an over-the-top preacher who reveals phonies everywhere.) A non-stop plot involving vampires, phony wizardry and even a political campaign. (Complete with vampire fund raisers.) I enjoyed this from page one until the sun finally came up (kind of) for the vampire cat. You can try to find a moral here about prejudice or honesty or something -- but, for me, the pure fun was quite enough! Bring on book two, Mr. Rhamey! “

A sample of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Ian’s opening lines:

Starhopper Chantry Bay sped through the security cordon of warships and battle stations surrounding Magentis. The ship failed to slow and dock at the orbiting reception base, and hurtled on planetwards.

Reclining on a bench, with her back to the wall of Chantry Bay's forward lounge, Shayla Carver watched through half-lidded eyes, unmoving.

Mouth dry and stomach knotted, only iron self-control maintained the outward illusion of relaxation. A tray sat on a low table in front of her. A cup of tea and a bowl of rice and fish lay almost untouched.

At first, only a few puzzled gazes followed the sunlit jewel of the base as it flashed past the viewports.

A coterie of scribes and administrators on the other side of the lounge looked up from their scrolls and notepads, styli wavering in their hands, as they found themselves suddenly cut off from the endless stream of data from the exnet.

Then the overhead lights flickered and failed.

Through the forward viewpoint of the lounge the daylight side of Magentis swelled, flooding the cabin with an aquamarine glow.

I turned the page

The narrative raised enough “what happens next” questions for me—why is it not docking, why did the power go—but I think it could have been stronger and quicker to even more compelling story elements, as I’ll show you. Notes:

Starhopper Chantry Bay sped through the security cordon of warships and battle stations surrounding Magentis. The ship failed to slow and dock at the orbiting reception base, and hurtled on planetwards. (For me, “failed to slow and dock” wasn’t direct enough to easily communicate what was happening. You have to parse what is meant. Instead, what about something such as: Instead of docking at the orbiting reception base, the ship hurtled planetward. Also, the planet is the Imperial home planet, but that important detail is left to later. It adds to the stakes if that’s known, and it could have been included after the planet was named, eg. …surrounding Magentis, the Imperial home planet. One last note: this description could have been delivered in a way that included the protagonist’s point of view. For example: Shayla Carver hid a grin of excitement when the ship failed to slow and dock…etc.)

Reclining on a bench, with her back to the wall of Chantry Bay's forward lounge, Shayla Carver watched through half-lidded eyes, unmoving. (Watched what? This could be a place to hint at what she’s up to. For example, what if it included something such as …watched those who were about to die. Wouldn’t that crank up the tension?

Mouth dry and stomach knotted, only iron self-control maintained the outward illusion of relaxation. A tray sat on a low table in front of her. A cup of tea and a bowl of rice and fish lay almost untouched.

At first, only a few puzzled gazes followed the sunlit jewel of the base as it flashed past the viewports.

A coterie of scribes and administrators on the other side of the lounge looked up from their scrolls and notepads, styli wavering in their hands, as when they found themselves suddenly cut off from the endless stream of data from the exnet.

Then the overhead lights flickered and failed. (Wouldn’t emergency lights come on? I would think so. And it would help maker her later movements more credible than the utter darkness that would be inside a spaceship with no power and no light whatsoever.)

Through the forward viewpoint of the lounge the daylight side of Magentis swelled, flooding the cabin with an aquamarine glow. Here’s where I think an opportunity was missed. Instead of this relatively tame description, there were outbursts from later that I think would make this a definite page-turner if they started here. Previous description about her meal could be trimmed enough to get these lines on the first page. Here they are.

Then the overhead lights flickered and failed. Bedlam erupted around Shayla.

"Terrorists!"

“The Insurrection!”

A good start, Ian. I felt that the narrative that followed could have been a little crisper, but only a little. Keep at it.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Deb]

Sorry, I voted no, although I don't read scifi; so I am definitely not the best judge for this one.

I just wanted to say I had no idea it was a spaceship when I first read it. I thought it was a boat. I have to say after reading Ray's comments and going back to re-read, I did get it then. But still the only part I connected with was the part about Shayla Carver. The rest of the time I was lost. Maybe the cover or the back jacket would have set me up and I would have been fine.

[Doug]

I voted 'yes', but Ray's suggestions would make it even better.

Punctuation note: the comma doesn't belong in the second sentence. The "and hurtled" is part of a list of verbs associated with the subject "the ship": failed and hurtled.

The short paragraph beginning "At first" doesn't seem to add anything but confusion for the reader, or at least for *this* reader. I didn't know what gazes or what base until I stopped and puzzled it out. Then I was left with the "at first" which wasn't followed up with something else going on.

I assume that there's some kind of 'artifical gravity' on board, since Shayla is reclining. As long as I'm assuming correctly, no problem.

I'd have combined the last two paragraphs of that first page. The lights went out but there was still the glow from Magentis. The way it's written now, the two points don't connect smoothly.

Overall, a good first page.

[Deb]

I have one more little nitpick. Since this is supposed to be a hi-tech kind of thing, the word bench just doesn't fit here. I pictured a park bench. I think that was why I thought it was a boat. Only the one word 'planetwards', throws out the boat theme for me. Everything else could have fit. That word apparently wasn't enough weight to get my mind on the right track. I totally had a WW2 scene pictured.

[Kirsty]

I had to read the first paragraph a couple of times to get the picture e.g. I wondered what Magentis was. I wonder if it might be easier for the reader--and maybe stronger--to start with the second paragraph so the reader can get immediately into the protagonist's head:

Shayla Carver sat in the Chantry Bay's forward lounge, her stomach knotted as she watched etc etc.

[Jean]

Much improved over the last version I read! It's easier to identify with Shayla now. Ray's suggestions would help highten the tension and clarify the situation even more. I voted yes. :)

[Nicola]

I voted yes on this one. Unlike a few of the other commenters, I immediately pictured this as a spaceship hurtling towards a planet. There were obviously a few unfamiliar words--as is to be expected in this genre--but they gave me confidence that the author had done some solid world-building. I do agree with Ray's changes to ratchet up the tension though and I like Kirsty's suggestion about starting things off from Shayla's viewpoint.

[Botanist]

Thanks so much for your comments, Ray, and everyone else who's posted here.

As Jean noted, this has undergone previous iterations on other forums, and each time around I feel like it's benefiting from the feedback I'm getting.

Ian