Flogometer for Colleen—would you turn the page?

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A sample of The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles is here. You can order a paperback or e-book copy there, too.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Colleen has sent a revision of her opening lines:

One thought kept me hanging on: I won’t live like a ghost forever. I’d been clinging to the hope that some cosmic turning point would shift my world. I cradled the thought of a new life, embracing it longingly, until squealing brakes ripped it from my mind. I lurched forward and snapped back in my seat. Just my luck. The bus I was riding to a job interview crashed.

The passengers ignored the kindly bus driver’s pleas to stay seated, and ran outside to gawk, vultures that we were. The guy who’d dared to cut off a bus in a two-door Chevy Sprint was staring morosely at his crumpled rear fender, rubbing his thumb and forefinger over his Hulk Hogan moustache. He was way too short to pull off that look.

The bus driver clapped his hand on the guy’s shoulder in sympathy over the fate of the clown car. I swear I saw the crazy meter light up in shorty’s eyes. The needle shot from zero to berserk. “Don’t touch me, old man!” he yelled. He shoved the stunned driver backwards, bawled a blue streak at him, then spun around and kicked the tail light dangling from his mangled fender. I felt sorry for the bus driver, who stood there meekly taking crap from a crazed elf.

Since my life was already chock full of insufferable boobs that year, I didn’t stick around. Besides, I couldn’t afford to be late. I started hoofing it down Oxford Street toward the plaza. A (snip)

Nope
With the last version, the voice was strong enough to get me close to turning the page, but that time what was happening wasn’t compelling enough. While the voice is still strong and likeable, I think the narrative actually took a step back. We need for something to happen that promises a real problem for the character, something that will force her to take strong action to be okay. Here, there’s only the possibility that she will be late for a job interview, with no known serious consequences. For my money, Colleen, I suspect that the next chapter is actually where you need to be starting this story. While this one is definitely better written and improved at the end, all that happens is that she gets a job working for people who seem unpleasant. I don’t think that’s the inciting incident. It’s what happens on that job (perhaps) that is, and that’s likely where you need to start. This narrative is mostly, it seems to me, of the “the reader needs to know this stuff” kind that the reader doesn’t actually need to know, at least in this form.

One other thing: the references to “ghost” and “elf” steered me in a paranormal direction, but the intent isn’t clear. With so much fantasy around these days, a word like “elf” means much more than a short guy. Notes:

One thought kept me hanging on: I won’t live like a ghost forever. I’d been clinging to the hope that some cosmic turning point would shift my world. I cradled the thought of a new life, embracing it longingly, until squealing brakes ripped it from my mind. I lurched forward and snapped back in my seat. Just my luck. The bus I was riding to a job interview crashed. (I see that with “cosmic turning point” that you’re trying to foreshadow jeopardy to come, and that’s good. And the end of the chapter refers back to that. But all that happens is that she gets the job. I think the turning point isn’t getting the job, it’s what happens afterward that creates peril that is the turning point.)>

The passengers ignored the kindly bus driver’s pleas to stay seated and ran outside to gawk, vultures that we were. The guy who’d dared to cut off a bus in a two-door Chevy Sprint was staring morosely at his crumpled rear fender, rubbing his thumb and forefinger over his Hulk Hogan moustache. He was way too short to pull off that look.

The bus driver clapped his hand on the guy’s shoulder in sympathy over the fate of the clown car. I swear I saw the crazy meter light up in shorty’s eyes. The needle shot from zero to berserk. “Don’t touch me, old man!” he yelled. He shoved the stunned driver backwards, bawled a blue streak at him, then spun around and kicked the tail light dangling from his mangled fender. I felt sorry for the bus driver, who stood there meekly taking crap from a crazed elf. (So far, nothing much is actually happening to her. As mentioned before, does “elf” refer to his kind or his height?

Since my life was already chock full of insufferable boobs that year, I didn’t stick around. Besides, I couldn’t afford to be late. I started hoofing it down Oxford Street toward the plaza. A (snip) (At this point, there are no real story questions raised about this character. With fundamentally nothing happening to her, there’s no reason for the reader to feel that most important desire rising in her mind, “I need to know what happens next.”)

Your writing is high-calibre, Colleen, and I look forward to the time when it launches me into this character’s story, not the prequel.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Lexi Revellian]

I was totally confused by the first paragraph. I assumed the protagonist was a ghost - and I picked up the idea that this was some sort of suicidal car crash that would launch her into the next world, or something. I read it twice, then read the rest of the extract, then read it again. This is not what you want the reader to do.

I also thought the style too punchy, as if Colleen was trying to pack too much into the vital first page. Loosening up would improve it, I think.

[Jami G.]

The 'ghost' bit in the first paragraph threw me too. I thought the last line about the bus crash was explaining how she became a ghost.

[Norm]

For me the no came from the overdosing of adverbs which are a form of telling rather than showing. I know that it's first-person narrative allows more flavoring of the information but my limit of adverbs is around two per page (my exceptions to the "rule" are legion ie., Steve Hockensmith and JK Rowling stories being filled with them)

I was curious as to how a bus crash would hamper a ghost's chances of not remaining a ghost. The (IMO) surplusage slowed it too much for me to want to continue.

I'd look for stronger verbs and set the stage in this scene. What is the unnamed ghost's goal by being on this bus in the first place? Job interview? What does job interview have to do with not remaining a ghost forever? That's the question to be answered and if we are to continue on the journey to learn why the sidetrips (such as the bus/car altercation) have to be interesting.

Why is the ghost just a spectator if this bus trip is important? Shouldn't the narrative say something like "Oh no. Now I won't meet Mr X who has the power to give me a new life!"" or something?

The pieces needed for the scene to work weren't there for me. Check out Bickham's Scene and Structure for more.

[Doug]

I voted 'yes', because I liked the character and the writing.

Now for some nit-picking.

I would suggest adding a 'telling detail' to let the reader know if your protagonist is male or female. I guessed female from the general tone of the internal dialogue.

Obviously, the "live like a ghost" phrase didn't work for you. Some people misinterpreted it as meaning that the character *is* a ghost, and I didn't know what ghost-like qualities you were trying to convey.

The first three sentences are redundant, and I'd like to see them collapsed.

Remove the comma in "stay seated, and ran". A list of two items doesn't get a comma between them.

There is a slight disconnect between "The passengers" and the 'we' in "vultures that we were." It isn't until that 'we' that the reader understands that the protagonist numbered herself among the passengers who ran outside to gawk. Maybe start the sentence with something like "All of us passengers..." or "Like the rest of the passengers, I..."

The "was staring" is passive voice, and I'd suggest changing it to "stared".

"The bus driver clapped his hand on the guy’s shoulder in sympathy over the fate of the clown car" suggests that we've just shifted Point of View to the bus driver. Maybe "apparently in sympathy" would be better.

The "I felt sorry" is 'telling' rather than 'showing'.

The word 'started' in "started hoofing it" is superfluous unless something is about to interrupt that action. Otherwise, just "hoofed it" should do. There's no need for the two explanations of why the protagonist started walking; it's an obvious thing to do under the circumstances.

I didn't see any overdose of adverbs. I found only three: "embracing... longingly", "staring morosely", and "meekly taking crap". If you can find a better verb that lets you dispense with the adverb, great. Otherwise, don't sweat it.

[Norm]

I counted five adverbs: morosely, longingly, kindly, already, and meekly. They may just be my personal bugaboo. I find them in lots of YA where they are quite acceptable.

While adverbs are hard to kill they can be scrubbed by looking for other ways to show the action and using strong and beefy verbs.

[Doug]

I missed 'was already', but 'kindly' is an adjective. So there are four adverbs.

The 'already' is superfluous and a real candidate for elimination. But then, I think that whole sentence is a candidate for elimination.

An adverb often points out where a better verb or adjective could be used, but I don't consider them to be anathema. Sometimes they're the cleanest way to get the image across. This is internal dialogue and needs to use words and phrasing that the character would use.

[Botanist]

Sorry, but no. The first paragraph almost had me, though, until I realised that you didn't mean "ghost" literally. I thought this sounded like some interesting twist on being undead & reborn but I guess I was wrong. After that, the remainder, although well written IMHO and with an engaging voice, didn't grab me enough to want to continue.

Probably a simple case of "not my cup of tea", but that's actually a bit difficult to tell because at this point I honestly can't tell what genre this is.

(Question for Ray: have you considered showing the genre at the top of the entry in order to set some expectations about what is to follow?)

[Colleen]

This is most definitely not a ghost story or anything in the paranormal range. (The ghost part refers to the MC "living like a ghost" at her hoity-toity school, where no one looks at her, pays attention to her, or cares that she exists.) It's actually a sexual coming-of-age story about a social outcast who develops unlikely friendships with the motley bunch she encounters at her donut shop job.

Thanks to all for your comments. It's helpful to see what I just can't see when I'm knee-deep in the text. Any suggestions for writing a character-driven story? Everything I read about story structure seems to serve only a plot-driven story. My story doesn't have a single plot that every single scene is ultimately working to resolve.

[Ray Rhamey]

Colleen, I think that my novels are character-driven because what happens is a result of the decisions they make, not the other way around. I like to think my book, Flogging the Quill etc., has some sound ways to think about this.

The main thing, story- and plot-wise, is that something happens to a character that is in some meaningful way a problem, she decides to do something to fix things, then that goes wrong, then she decides to do something else, that goes wrong, etc. The things she does are plot, the decisions she makes are character.

Hope this helps.

[t-bag]

If the midget Hulk Hogan or the bus driver aren't going to figure in the rest of the book, I'd consider starting the story with her running from the bus in panic mode.

It's a bit of a red herring to spend time describing characters that don't matter.