Flogometer for WD—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Salty language alert for my younger readers or those it bothers. WD’s opening lines:

Let's start at the end.

Timothy J. Morris is dead, and I killed him. When I told the cops I killed him, they cuffed me and then beat the hell out of me. When I told the press I killed him, they took a whole lot of pictures. When I told my wife I killed him, she said that there was no other way. When I told his wife I killed him, she smiled and thanked me. When I told the court I killed him, instead of thanking me, they threw my ass in the cooler. Deep into the cooler. Fifty years deep. My first parole hearing is scheduled on my 109th birthday. That kind of longevity just doesn't run in my family.

The jury? They heard the truth. Hell, they heard the whole truth, every ugly, fucking bit of it. I sat there for three weeks and I witnessed it; they surely heard the entire truth. But my due process went south when the “...and nothing but the truth” part got messed up. The prosecution floated a few key lies, and my sloppy, stuttering, court-appointed, sleep-deprived lawyer with bad hearing failed to knock them down. Probably even failed to hear them.

Yep, I killed Tim. And if somehow he was resuscitated or resurrected or reincarnated or regurgitated or some such shit, I'd gnaw my way out of this prison and kill him again. For what he did, he deserves to die twice. Please, dear Jesus, reincarnate that sorry bastard for me. Just once. Please?

So here I am and here I'll be, hanging out in Cell C-210 until the end of my natural days, paying an (snip)

I turned this page

Not only the voice but the promise of a strong story did the job. Although not an immediate scene, the content of the narrative is certainly provocative. Notes:

Let's start at the end.

Timothy J. Morris is dead, and I killed him. When I told the cops I killed him, they cuffed me and then beat the hell out of me. When I told the press I killed him, they took a whole lot of pictures. When I told my wife I killed him, she said that there was no other way. When I told his wife I killed him, she smiled and thanked me. When I told the court I killed him, instead of thanking me, they threw my ass in the cooler. Deep into the cooler. Fifty years deep. My first parole hearing is scheduled on my 109th birthday. That kind of longevity just doesn't run in my family. (I cut that little bit because it broke a nice pattern and wasn’t really needed, IMO.)

The jury? They heard the truth. Hell, they heard the whole truth, every ugly, fucking bit of it. I sat there for three weeks and I witnessed it; they surely heard the entire truth. But my due process went south when the “...and nothing but the truth” part got messed up. The prosecution floated a few key lies, and my sloppy, stuttering, court-appointed, sleep-deprived lawyer with bad hearing failed to knock them down. Probably even failed to hear them.

Yep, I killed Tim. And if somehow he was resuscitated or resurrected or reincarnated or regurgitated or some such shit, I'd gnaw my way out of this prison and kill him again. For what he did, he deserves to die twice. Please, dear Jesus, reincarnate that sorry bastard for me. Just once. Please? (More effective, I think, minus the piece I cut. While the profanity here and in the previous paragraph may be a natural part of this character, I’d urge WD to do without it if possible. A little cursing goes a long way in a novel; its potency is much stronger than in natural speech when in a narrative. I’ve revised the cussing way down (or out) in a couple of my novels and it wasn’t missed.)

So here I am and here I'll be, hanging out in Cell C-210 until the end of my natural days, paying an (snip) (WD, I’d cut this and the bit that immediately followed in order to get the following on the first page.)

So help me God, the whole mess with me and Tim started one morning way back in eighth grade. (Even though this smacks of backstory and flashback, the opening about the murder and the various attitudes toward it, especially Tim’s wife, made this okay with me. It’s a story I’m interested in hearing.)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a line edit/critique of up to 15 pages.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, send me the revision.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Norm]

The in medias res technique (I think this qualifies though we're really starting at the end) does toss one into the story at a point of interest. Numerous popular stories have done this technique well, such as American Beauty.

The sticky point is when to start spooling in the back story. Ray, I think your suggestion might be throwing the backstory in too soon. I said yes on turning the page, but I might have been spooked had I sniffed the backstory coming in on the first page. I want to be lulled first with the voice.

A writer who does in medias res well is Steve Hockensmith in his "Holmes on the Range" books. His shift to backstory borders on imperceptible.

Good stuff. Thanks again to Ray for this site. It's a jewel.

[hope101]

I would have turned. The voice is compelling and I'm interested in hearing what this character went through to reach such a degree of animosity.

I would have edited a little differently, though. For me, the entire second paragraph is superfluous. We already understand the narrator's attitude - that there's a discrepancy in understanding between those who lived the situation and what the law sees. I'm also expecting the tale to unspool from the beginning now, and part of that will include the court details.

I don't know how to do the strike-through on this board, but I'd also:

--remove the "then" from the second sentence
--remove the "that" from the wife sentence
--IMHO, the repetition of "kill" is effective in contrasting the reactions of society vs individuals, but six times is too many. I'd rephrase the first sentence in the second paragraph for sure. Maybe "...and I'm responsible." We've already had our curiosity piqued by the death, now ratchet up the tension.

Even the line written in red could be tighter for me. At minimum, the "way" should go, and I'm not even crazy about "So help me God".

So for this reader's taste, there's a fair bit of tightening needed. Even so, the intriguing voice, honest emotion and story question is enough to get me to turn.

[Bigdavediode]

I would edit it like this, so that each paragraph is ended with a punch:

"Timothy J. Morris is dead, and I killed him. When I told the cops I killed him, they cuffed me and then beat the hell out of me. When I told the press I killed him, they took a whole lot of pictures. When I told my wife I killed him, she said that there was no other way. When I told his wife I killed him, she thanked me."

"My first parole hearing is scheduled on my 109th birthday. That kind of longevity just doesn't run in my family."

[jon]

yesyesyes.

I like Ray's edits, particularly the first one that maintained the parallel structure -- it had been working really well up 'til then.

I might have combined things a little bit in that first paragraph, though, because the enumerated list got a little tedious.

LOVED the "that kind of longevity" line, btw. Great insight into this character's psyche.

Good stuff, WD. Good luck with it!
-j

[Doug]

It's a strong voice and cleanly written, but I'm one of those folks who doesn't have much patience for 'framed' stories.

Starting at the end is tricky to do well, and this didn't do it for me at all. You've basically told me all of the major events that are going to affect the protagonist. What's the point of me reading the story?

It doesn't help that the protagonist is an antihero, which again is something I have little patience for, especially in first-person.

So this wasn't written for me. A lot of stuff isn't, so don't sweat it.

[Deb]

I didn't mind the amount of language. But what did happen to me was the voice came across as way younger than 59,(like early twenties), and I think it is because he was so blunt and offered no explanations for his actions. There definitely were story questions raised for me, but I didn't think I could tolerate a whole book told by someone who comes off as deserving to be in prison for more than just the murder of Tim. I guess I am thinking this guy is total white trash, instead of a typical older gentleman, and he has lived his whole life thinking if someone ticks him off he has the right to kill them. Or maybe it's just that I think someone that old should be smart enough to rid themselves of a bad guy in a way that doesn't get him thrown in jail. Or maybe it's just that a 59 year old MC that talks like someone younger I don't connect with.

I'm not sure what it was honestly, but I just didn't connect with the guy. Maybe if I had a tiny bit more of something personal about the guy, like how much he loved the people that were glad he killed the guy it would help.

[Lisa]

I love the voice. I really want to know what this guy's story is. Seems to me all the edits were a matter of taste but I liked Ray's the best.

Lisa

[Trip Volpe]

hope101 said:
>> I'd rephrase the first sentence in the
>> second paragraph for sure. Maybe
>> "...and I'm responsible."

I'm not sure I'd go for that, personally. "I'm responsible" doesn't necessarily mean the same thing as "I killed him," and it doesn't have the same punch either. IMHO, it might be better to delete that clause altogether:

"Timothy J. Morris is dead. When I told the cops I killed him..."

For what it's worth, I don't have any problem with the frequency of profanity seen in the unedited first page, but the "or some such shit" in the fourth paragraph sticks out because it breaks the flow of the sentence; it would read much more forcefully without it.

Overall, the voice and scenario are interesting, and I'd probably read on, but like Doug I'm somewhat dubious of framing stories. Although I'm curious to know what could have happened between Tim Morris and the protagonist, it seems that all the possible consequences of those events have already unfolded, so the tension is somewhat reduced.

[Marcel]

Good work WD. Good voice, good story questions raised. I'm not a big fan of framed stories, but I'd turn the page on this one. I think the cuts Ray offered are probably all you need to get this baby in tiptop shape. Good luck.

[John]

Get rid of the one-sentence first paragraph. It's an immediate distraction causing readers to jump to their own conclusion. Some of the posts so far don't like the "framed story" or the idea of starting at the end. No reason to give anything away. Let the readers get into the story and find out what happens by reading it.

I also wouldn't worry about editing. First-person narratives are given plenty of leeway when it comes to style and voice. You're starting out with a good measure of originality and it would be a shame to ruin it by listening to well-intended but generic advice about sentence structure, etc. If you haven't finished the book yet I'd keep going the way your are and fine tune the writing later.