Flogometer for Victoria—would you turn the page?

"Is this [The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles] horror? Would you call The Munsters horror? Of course not. But it's cheesy, campy, and hilariously funny. There's even a Garth Marenghi feel in a few rare places. Rhamey knows how to write a slick story that draws you in. I'm dying to read the next in the series. "

An Amazon.com review.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Here are Victoria’s opening lines:

Weary of killing, Liu Jie picked at the blood in his cuticles as he swayed in the saddle. Behind him, his guards and family longed for a respite from travel and skirmishes with bandits.

An inn with a modest tamped-earth façade stood amid a peach orchard they passed and the smell of fermenting fruit brought to mind an old proverb: Wars do not erupt over cups of rice wine. The imperial highway they traveled continued into the walled town beyond the inn, but Jie preferred the countryside. He signaled to stop. "We'll rest here for a few days."

"My lord, let me – " a guard protested as Jie dismounted outside the inn's courtyard gate. The rigid wood spoke of sturdy safety. He opened it. Guards carried his wife and son's sedan chair into the courtyard and Mei raised her eyebrows when Jie helped her from the stuffy litter.

"We cannot reach the Emperor if the men are too tired to protect us," he murmured.

Mei nodded, smoothed her graying hair and adjusted Shan's belt before they entered.

To Jie's right, six farmers in worn hemp robes gathered around an unrolled silk scroll mounted on the wall. He read it in a glance.

"The Son of Heaven requires the aid of all men as sons might come to their father. Yellow Turban rebels assault the people and threaten the capital. All districts report." A crimson Imperial Chop blazed in a corner.

Nice stuff, but needs a hook
The opening paragraph was full of enticing bits, but then the narrative settled down to arriving at an inn and exposition. The scene is nicely set, and there are story questions, but we see no impact on the protagonist’s life or any change in behavior for him—fundamentally, I passed because of a lack of tension; I felt no particular need to know what happened next. After some notes, I’ll show you something from later in the chapter that would have kept me reading.

Weary of killing, Liu Jie picked at the blood in his cuticles as he swayed in the saddle. Behind him, his guards and family longed for a respite from travel and skirmishes with bandits. (Nicely done, tells us a lot very efficiently, hints of danger.)

An inn with a modest tamped-earth façade stood amid a peach orchard they passed and the smell of fermenting fruit brought to mind an old proverb: Wars do not erupt over cups of rice wine. The imperial highway they traveled continued into the walled town beyond the inn, but Jie preferred the countryside. He signaled to stop. "We'll rest here for a few days." (The “amid” bothered me. It doesn’t seem like you can be amid a singular thing, in this case an orchard. You could be amid peach trees, but an orchard? This sets a scene nicely, but lacks tension, which could be provided by the protagonist’s experience—but here he just has a preference, not a need.)

"My lord, let me – " a guard protested as Jie dismounted outside the inn's courtyard gate. The rigid wood spoke of sturdy safety. He opened it. Guards carried his wife and son's sedan chair into the courtyard and Mei raised her eyebrows when Jie helped her from the stuffy litter. (The part I cut did go to characterization, but very subtly, and I felt most of it contributed little to what is happening.)

"We cannot reach the Emperor if the men are too tired to protect us," he murmured. (This may hint at fighting ahead, but he doesn’t seem too worried about it, so I’m not.)

Mei nodded, smoothed her graying hair and adjusted Shan's belt before they entered. (Even though the presence of a son is mentioned, this name isn’t easily connected without a little more context, I think.)

To Jie's right, six farmers in worn hemp robes gathered around an unrolled silk scroll mounted on the wall. He read it in a glance.

"The Son of Heaven requires the aid of all men as sons might come to their father. Yellow Turban rebels assault the people and threaten the capital. All districts report." A crimson Imperial Chop blazed in a corner. (Without having Jie’s reaction to this poster, it doesn’t really have much impact for me.)

Here are 16 lines from later in the story. Do you think this would make a better opening page?

The inn door slammed open and Shan rushed inside.

Jie smiled as his son looked around the room as if all the demons of hell chased him. After all, he was eight.

Then Shan found him, and white-eyed horror filled his son's face.

"Papa, come outside. There's a body!" Shan said. "A dead boy is in the garden."

Breath left Jie as if his son had struck him, but he jumped to his feet. "Show me." They ran out the door. His eyes adjusted to the dark as he rushed beyond the golden light spilling from the inn's latticed windows.

A body. A dead boy. Jie's chest tightened, but he kept running through the courtyard's gate.

Within the orchard, autumn leaves chattered like the river that brings the dead to hell. Did his ghosts crowd him now?

"Over here, Papa!" Shan gestured ahead.

Jie's robes slapped against his legs. He slipped on fallen peaches and the smell of sour wine enveloped him. Each cold breath was visible as he left the orchard and reached the garden. At last, he slid to his knees beside the body of an emaciated teenage boy. Jie put his ear to the boy's chest. It rose. Air squeaked from blue lips.

The writing is strong and clean, so Victoria has what she needs to tell a good story -- but needs to get the story as soon as possible.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

1. Email your 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (.doc or .rtf preferred, .docx okay) and I'll critique the first page.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2010 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Marcel]

I guess it's a bit of a faux-pas to inject personal taste to a critique but I'll do it anyway. Blame Hope101 for that! To be perfectly honest, while others thought the prose was beautiful, I thought it was a bit on the purple side (nice, but a tad overdone and heavy on adjectives). Hope101 provided prose through her sample that I could easily gobble up. It was less hurried, easy to assimilate and the images were just as vivid, IMO. I could read this type of prose for 400 some pages.

That aside, the story elements are interesting enough. A little more conflict/tension in the opening, and you'll be that much closer to where you want to be.

Good luck.

[Ellie Ann]

I would keep reading this story. It's well written, and I think that the scene gave enough "hooks" just the way it is! This is great!

[Luke]

Oh, I remember this story from a previous flogging. I'm gonna hunt down that earlier version.

[hope101]

Eep. I didn't mean to commit a critiqing faux pas. Truly sorry if I did! Having no formal study of writing under my belt, sometimes I lack the vocabulary to convey principles. I'm *sometimes* better at demonstration.

Hope you understand my intention, Victoria.

[Victoria Dixon]

Hope, those are excellent suggestions and I really like them. Thanks for the idea!

Marcel, I've had that comment from a few folks before and I'll admit I lean toward the purple end of the spectrum, especially in earlier drafts. That said, I feel some of that is inherent to who I am and I'm not sure how much more I want to cut. It depends, I suppose, if it ends up being a road block to publication.

[Victoria Dixon]

And thanks for the vote of confidence, Ellie Ann. That means a lot!

[wdw]

Generally, I thought it was pretty good!!

A few objections, though...

Rather than picking at blood from the cuticles, I think that real men picking blood from their hands would pick at blood under the fingernails. Cuticles are far too feminine.

The thing about "My lord, let me – " --- the character's comment was apparently interrupted, but the interrupter does not show up -- nobody trumped his dialog, but it nonetheless got trumped. Maybe it continues in the next paragraph, but if so, that's very disjointed, I think, because the current paragraph leaves the dialog and goes into a somewhat goofy description of events.

How close was the inn to the emperor? A few hundred yards? A few hundred miles? The distance adds logic to the discussion of "should we stay or should we go?" But I think that that factor is missing.

[Marcel]

The faux pas was mine, Hope101, not yours. I commented based on my "personal" tastes for simpler prose (which you provided and enticed me to comment). Typically, I don't think people should give a rat's bottom what I personally like or dislike--and I try to disassociate myself from my personal tastes when critiquing--but felt I had something to offer the author (maybe something many readers share).

Plus, I have a flogging coming up in 2nd person POV, present tense that I'd like to get constructive feedback on rather than expressions of personal likes and dislikes (like the present tense sampling of a few days ago). So, I had to qualify my faux pas.

Victoria, you write well, don't get me wrong. And there's definitely room for this style of writing. It's just a comment that I see a lot about similar prose, and one that you've heard a lot. I just didn't want it to go without comment, in case it's something that's preventing your story from getting published.

[Trip Volpe]

I'll just chime in and say that I loved the second opening as well, but I don't think it needs to be on the very first page. Your scene-setting is colorful and effective, and just a little bit of tightening up -- and introducing some more concrete tension -- would make your original first page into a good lead.

For example, does the discovery of the body relate in any way to Jie's original errand with the emperor? If so, perhaps there is something there that might be used for foreshadowing.

I also agree with Chris that "his guards and family longed for a respite" seems out of perspective. I'd try to express the weariness from behind Jie's eyes there.

On the positive side, my favorite bit from the whole thing was the smell of the squashed peaches -- a vivid image, especially at night in the cold. Not only did it leap straight from the page into my nose, it also told of the danger of slipping and falling on your backside. I'm sure anyone who has ever been in the proximity of a fruit tree in the late fall can relate. :-)

It's just the sort of poignant detail that might achieve strange prominence in the senses when one runs out into the night on a sudden and threatening errand. Good stuff!

[Victoria Dixon]

You know, I had the same thought on the cuticles the other day. LOL. I'll go with the fingernails instead.
I'm afraid the body has nothing to do with the Emperor and is a separate part of the developing plot.
Maybe I'll have him want to rest a sore or damaged body part from a previous fight - or some of his men need to do so.
You guys are great and provide terrific feedback! Thank you so much.
And Trip, I visited an orchard before writing that scene and know all about that particular danger. LOL That's why I had those details.